Friday, January 16, 2009

Part 7

December 20, 2008 Last night at the Boys & Girls club show the band was Great. They were confident, their set was tight, and they sounded so great. They have come such a long way since they first got their drummer and set out to get serious. It's actually been a whirlwind. My weekends have been have been about the band ...and getting ready for their shows. I know for a fact that with my pushing, encouragement, support, and absolute belief in them...has gotten them to this point. I know ALL other parents are surprised, & amazed by the transformation. Some of them have only heard them for the first time when they played at Slims. I know these parents are so proud of their kids. But I'm the one who 'knows' what they have gone through to get to this point, because I have been there from the beginning. I've allowed my home to be the practice space...Tom has fed them meals on every practice session & more...I've driven them and instruments on so many occasions...I've set schedules...I've fixed hair & makeup...I've had long honest conversations with them, and have spoken too and written to the interested parties. I've encouraged them, I've given my opinions, and we've had some disagreements. But all in all it's been a positive, FUN, and loving experience. They know I love them. They know I believe in them...and they absolutely know that I am on their side!
We have gotten through their first show at SLIMS...and a few days later The Boys & Girls Club. Now it's time for a little break until we get through the Holidays. But I am in a quandary now because of something that has changed... somewhat. To be absolutely of the band members is not happy with my involvement. I'm taking away the 'Fun'. And what makes it worse is that they have brought in parents that obviously love their child, & therefore are hearing only one side of the story. All the other members appreciate my support and have expressed it in so many ways, and know that they wouldn't have gotten so far so fast without my support. I've spoken to them and they want me to keep going and be there for them. So what do I do? Should I step back NOW? They are in a momentum and to stop now is too fizzle...when they really should be pushing harder...moving forward. But since I've been with them from the beginning.. I don't want to get pissed off with interference, and having to tiptoe around how I do things. I feel yes I can be hard and pushy...I absolutely insist on practice when it is scheduled because it's my time & my home & they agreed on the practice time & date...even when they don't feel like it. Also, yes I get angry with them when they are being foolish and make bad choices, or are being annoying, or being a pain in the ass...but what parent doesn't. I love them like I love my children...but you try dealing with a whole bunch of teens every weekend and see how happy you are at everything they do. There is a lot of foolishness & yes stupidity that goes on. But don't get me wrong...they also have a shitload of fun 'after' practice...because you would never believe the amount of laughter & loudness, & zaniness there is in my house. I don't think a lot of other parents will allow or accepts what goes on in my house week after week...and this was going on long before the band stuff. So WTF! If it isn't fun they wouldn't keep coming over.

I know for a fact (because this one member said so in one of our band meetings) that they only want to do this if it's fun...and if it's work then it's not fun. Which I then said...It may 'only' be for fun to you...but there are others who are taking it more seriously, and wants to go somewhere with this experience. This is what a couple of them for sure what for their future...and that's why they don't mind working so hard. They want to go as far as they can and see what happens.
So on my previous blog I spoke about Honesty...I'm going to be brutally honest. Quit if you don't think it's fun...but you'd be wrong! Because every success they've had at both Slims & The Boys & Girls Club is due to hard work plus fun. You can't get to where you are right now without BOTH. And you won't move further without continued hard work & fun.
December 21, 2008The worst part of losing that I have no decent pictures of all of us together...of how she was with all of us together. I have pictures with all of us when they were younger. But no recent pics before she passed away which saddens me to no end. So even though the kids (and my own insecurities), hate to take family pictures ..I now try to take a lot more pictures, because I don't want that regret of wishing I had not missed out on documenting the togetherness & love we share. All I have is photoshop, and the pictures in my mind of us together. Nothing more tangible of Mariko with all of us.
The photo opportunities were always there because we were so close...but we never pulled out the damn camera and asked someone to take a decent picture. It's so easy now a day with camera cameras... And I'm not talking about the pictures young people like to take with their friends (that's easy) being goofy with friends. And not just taking pictures of the kids only...or just a couple that happen to be sitting close together. I'm talking about photos of those that love you the most ALL together...the Family.
Don't regret...start taking those pictures even if you don't feel like it! Because a picture truly is a recording of history...together!

December 23, 2008So tomorrow's Christmas doesn't even "feel" like Christmas. I haven't been able to get into the "spirit" of Christmas. I've just been feeling tired physically & emotionally. I guess it doesn't help that I've been working non-stop and it's been extremely busy at work. Yes I have to work Christmas eve and the day after Christmas which doesn't help. I don't have time to concentrate or relax to even feel anything. Plus all that I invested into the band and their shows. I guess it's catching up with me. Thank goodness that I did most of my Christmas shopping on line for the kids. I've avoided that whole mall scene for the most part. Mainly I'm waiting for it to be over. I'm so behind in doctors appointments, bills, house cleaning, ect.. I'm even late in sending out some presents to family that life far away. I just feel like there isn't any time in the day. I just hope people understand.
Kari & Momi finally decorated today the small Christmas tree we got this year. Usually I'd be right with them like weeks ago...playing Christmas Carols & laughing & talking about each ornament with the girls & decorating the tree. But I can barely look at the decorations and the yearly Santa Claus pictures we've taken with the girls over the years. This year Mariko was not no new Santa pictures. 2008...the first Christmas without Mariko. to be continued...
December 26, 2008Well Christmas came & was sad. (But hopefully not for the girls...Tom & I really tried to make it good for them). I know people expect me to be better by now. It's hard to explain because unless you lose a child you can never...never understand. People want me to be happy...and I do try my best to appear happy. I keep busy in order to distract me from the pain I feel every single day! I wake up every morning and feel that dread in the pit of my stomach when I again realize that she is really gone. Day after day I gasp in despair, and take a long, deep breath and try to keep going. It's like sleep is the only time I am not completely aware that she is gone. All waking moments I know
the reality of her absence...and somehow I live.

People want me to get help...they worry about me...they want me to be OK. But in order to be "happy" I need to let go of her. How do I let go of my child? The only way is to forget...but I don't want to forget her. I want to hear her voice, I want to hold her again...I want to brush her hair.. Every night I go into her room and kiss her picture and pick up this little soft hat & tiny mittens she wore right before she passed away... I bring that little soft hat & mittens to my nose and inhale deeply, willing myself to believe that it holds the scent of my child.Yeah...I believe I need help. But not yet. I can't let go just be continued...

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