Part 5

June 24, 2008Just 15 minutes...that's about the time it took for Mariko to get on her school bus and to arrive home. Just 15 minutes and Mariko was gone. I can't get pass that. Just 15 minutes!Did she suffer? Did she call for help in her tiny voice? Did she know?I like to believe with all my heart that she just fell asleep, and did not wake up. But I'll never know. No one was with her in the end. Please, please God...My one bit of comfort is that Barbara gave her a hug and told her she loved her right before she got on the bus. The last thing she heard were words of love. I wish it was me though. I didn't get to hug her that day, and tell her I love her. She was still sleeping when I left for work at 530 in the morning, and she was already gone as the bus pulled up and I climb the steps to get her.
A good friend of mine lost her relatives Sunday in a random act of violence. Again I think if they had left just 1 minute later, or 1 minute earlier...then they would not have been at that one place, at that one moment. It would have all turned out differently. This life good or bad would have gone on.
But we can't know the events that play into the course of our life. We just go on blindly through our day, with a bit of faith that we will lay our heads down softly at night in the safety and comfort of our homes...too start all over again the next day...& the next. I pray for the family and the pain they will have to somehow live through...but they will good or bad go on. Just like me. Just like all that love and miss Mariko dearly everyday!to be continued...
June 26, 2009Today was a day of mixed emotions. Tom, me, Kari, & Momi went to visit Mariko's class for the first time since she passed away. This was where she spent her last day. We brought pizza, soda's, and cake for the class. We were greeted so warmly by the teachers, staff, & the sweet, sweet kids. I of course fought to hold back tears the whole time. There were memories of Mariko all over the room. Her desk was as it was that last day. Her desk, her school work...her name tag.... There were pictures all around the room with Mariko and her classmates. There was a memorial poster of Mariko from her friends on the door.
I lost it a few times when I saw the painted flower pots the kids were making...one of them was painted with "I love Mari", on Roberts desk was all the nicknames he had for her so he wouldn't forget them...like Shortie, Short-stuff, ect... And the most heartbreaking thing was the target bag from their very last shopping trip (Mariko worked a couple of hours with the CTA and earned a paycheck that they would go shopping with). In the bag she had bought with her own money were brand new sets of headbands & chap-stick. She loved target...she loved headbands...she loved lipstick & chap-stick. It was so her! Tom lost it then.
The great part of the visit was having lunch with all the kids and the teachers. We shared all the wonderful memories of Mariko. They presented us with the most beautiful angel bird-bath made of stone for our garden. It has a heavy pedestal & a large bowl and a beautiful angel sitting on the edge of the bowl with her toes dangling in the water. The underside of the bowl was signed by all the staff and kids. This is their everlasting memorial to Mariko, given to us with Love. We will treasure it forever.
As we walked to the school bus to say goodbye to the kids...Mariko's bus driver came out and gave me a big hug. He was with me that horrible last moments & we helped each other. I know this loss...has forever had a profound effect on his life. He will always love & remember Mariko. He is a truly good man...and I believe he would have done anything to save her if he could.to be continued..
June 30, 2008Tomorrow is the funeral of my friends 3 relatives... I can only imagine how horrific the loss of 3 family members in one swift moment can impact their lives so deeply. I can't accept losing Mariko...let alone 2 others so suddenly. The shock ...the emptiness...the quiet.. must be so unbearable. This murderer...sociopath...pure evil... has so arbitrarily...so easily taken away the lives of 3 innocent people without a thought. They did nothing to him...they didn't know him... they by chance were there at the worst possible moment. The 2 younger members had their whole lives ahead of them. He crashed into the lives of this family and robbed them all of innocence, and a sense of security. He brought fear, hate, and unimaginable pain to this family. For What? It doesn't make sense. But nothing makes sense lately
I wish I could write about something grand & uplifting...but everywhere I turn has been so full of sorrow. Or maybe it's because I'm still in that sad place...that's all I can see because the haze hasn't be lifted yet. Could someone please tell me something amazing...joyous...Grand? Could someone explain to me why? I need to see the Good in this life we live! Yes I know I have love ...I have Tom, Momi & Kari. But I want to see beyond that!
We all need Hope. And for those of us with children...we want to know that we are leaving them a Life...a World of goodness...a World without so much fear! Is a blessed life to much to ask for?
I want to 'shake' the World and tell them to be better. To appreciate what we have Now. To be better, descent, loving, caring, joyous, faithful, selfless! But we are all so sad, selfish, insecure, angry...(including me)! Please God make me better now! to be continued..
July 12, 2008I've been on vacation since July 4th...and I've been very sick since the 4th as well. Now my vacation is almost over, and I'm supposed to get back to work on the 14th. It figures right...I've been looking forward to time off for so long. It's been a rough year and I really needed it, but instead of getting any rest, quality time with the family, and any sense of renewal...I've been fighting this chest cold or whatever it is from day 1 of my vacation and I haven't been able to shake it yet either. I went to the doctor on July 7th...I got a prescription for antibiotics, and an inhaler, vitamins....and oh yeah 'anti-depressants'. My doctor insists that I'm extremely depressed, and that is why I have been sick for most of the year so far. My immune system is shot. I already have auto-immune problems with my Rheumatoid Arthritis...but the depression is causing me to not be able to fight normal colds and illnesses well. This is having a toll on my wellness. I guess losing a child will do that. OF COURSE I'm depressed...I don't need a f**king doctor to tell me that. One catch though...I can't take the anti-depressant pills until I feel better....and I can't seem to feel better because I'm sick and depressed. Talk about 'Catch 22'!!Sh*t...Sh*t...Sh*t.....I hate being sick. I hate that my vacation is almost over. I hate that I didn't get to do half the things I wanted to do over vacation. I hate that I have to work. And most of all I hate that Life is absolutely sh*ty without Mariko.F**KKKKKKK!!!!!
July 25, 2008I know I haven't written anything for a while. I have been absolutely ill lately. I'm beginning to feel better after like 3 weeks. I had a CT Scan yesterday because my doctor couldn't read my chest x-ray very well. I'm assuming it's nothing...but who knows until I hear the results probably next week. The thing is I'm not afraid...even when the doctor told me there's some sort of mass in the chest x-ray. I guess I'm thinking if it's serious then how can death be so bad...because Mariko is with the Angels right and I told her I would see her soon?? And if everything is OK then I have Tom, Kari, and Momi for a while longer. So either way I'm cool with it.
I know you reading this will think I've totally lost my mind. But that's where I'm at right now so just bear with me. Like I've said before I'm so tired. The only problem is that this would be absolutely devastating to my family...but I want them to know that I am not afraid. I guess realistically I don't want them to go through more suffering...so I hope I'm OK for now. Anyway...on the lighter side of it if I were really sick I would be losing weight right? And as far as I can tell I'm putting on weight with absolutely no problems at all...hahahaha! Shit!
Tomorrow is my dear Kari's 17th birthday party. I think she will have a great time ...but I won't spoil the surprise yet just in case she sees this. But her friends in they own unique way has come up with amazing..."interesting"...funny plans for the day. I'll probably go into details later. But one thing they got her is so off the wall ...that it's way COOL.
One cool thing I want to share is that I LOVE my IPOD. I have so many songs that help me escape and helps calm me. But the coolest thing about my IPOD is that I have several songs by Kari's band The Candy Bombardiers that they recorded...including the song Tom wrote the lyrics for our anniversary, and Kari and the band wrote the music. Isn't that way cool? Of course the recordings are not that good because that's their first attempt at recording on the recorder we got for Kari a few years back. But all they need to do is tweak it a bit to get it just right. They sound is mainly punk rock...except my song is more Islandy. Today they played in front of Safeway for like an hour and made $20.00 bucks in change & bills by people going in and out. hahahaha...their first paycheck! I think they're so great.
My friend Melissa & I are writing a song for their band. As soon as we finish it I will share the lyrics. But I think it's so them. It's about how they are judged by how they look...and not by who they really are. People look at them and assume they do drugs. They don't. They assume that they're losers...but they are so talented, creative, artistic, smart, and cool. And most of all they are Kind. A couple of jocks even approached them and started a fight. But the kids stood their ground and wouldn't fight but told that that's so not cool. The jocks were drunk and even apologized the following week. They have had stuff thrown at them when their mining their own business, and yelled at for being different. So the song is about that. About being judged! I guess in a way we can all relate to that. If you see Kari and her band they are a little different. Kari currently has green hair with a nose ring. She's the guitarist. Ariel has purple hair and a lip ring (not on the sides or snakebites)...but in the very center of her lower lip. She's lead vocals and she plays the accordion, tambourine, and maracas. Kayla has red/orange hair and she is the lead bass. Greg is blond and plays rhythm guitar and vocals. And Ian plays the drums. Momi is in their other group The Kings of Rock & Roll and she sings and plays the electric bass. They live and breath music. They even love the oldies like The Clash, Bob Dylan, Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, Beach Boys, Crosby, Stills, Nash, ect...ect...
My hope for them is that they can someday make a living with music. They don't need to be rich and famous...but enough to have regular gigs. What they need is a manager. But right now they're young and enjoying their lives and that's all I can ask for. I don't want to ever discourage their dreams. I can't see Kari working in a cubicle like me for the rest of her life. I actually want her to love what she does and that way she will have a fulfilling life. Isn't that what all of us want for our kids ...to be happy and love their lives. You can have all the education in the World...but if you end up doing something that doesn't make you happy then what's the point? I realize that life IS short...so do what you love and love what you do...while you can! I know I can't say the same for myself...my job is just that...a job! I never grew up imagining ...ooohhhh I want to work everyday in a small cubicle pushing papers back and forth, day after day...bitching about this...bitching about that. And yet I wake up every day with that responsibility.

But it's not too late for the kids if that's really what they want...to be free and happy. It's not unheard of...for every person that hates their 'jobs'...there's someone out there that's living their dreams whatever it may be. to be continued...
August 1, 2008Today I was having my daily email conversation with one of my best friends Melissa. We never get to see each other any more...but we stay close with daily emails. Sometimes a quick hello and how's it going, to several exchanges back & forth depending on what's going on in our lives. Well today she sent me a couple of verses of Bob Marley’s song to make me happy, cause she always knows when I'm going through stuff or feeling like sh*t.. It's called Three Little Birds. One part of it goes "Don't worry bout a thing...cause every little things gonna be alright..." And of course I cried because it reminded me of a time with Mariko. But it was a 'sweet' cry.
One day Tom, me, & the kids were having a horrible day. We were all pissed off...I don't even remember why? That's not important. I remember we all got in the car and you knew it was going to be a tense drive home. Tom started the car and that song was playing on the radio. Back then for some reason Mariko always sat in the back of the van. Kari & Momi in the middle. She liked the very back of the van back then. Anyway ...when that song came on Tom looked in the rear view mirror and saw Mariko with her arms in the air ...pumping her little arms & swaying her body to the beat of the song with the biggest, brightest smile on her face...singing along "Don't worry bout a thing...every little thing's gonna be alright.". Of course we all turned around and laughed and in that instant with her... ALL of our moods changed and the tension was lifted. She made us all so very happy.
If we could all be a little bit like Mariko...maybe we could let go of stupid, insignificant stuff easier. Maybe we could not hold on to grudges, minor slights, indignation, jealousy & hate. Mariko never, ever stayed mad or upset with anyone. Sure she got mad...but it never stayed with her. She forgot in an instant almost the moment you felt bad & apologized to her, or were kind to her...she always forgave you! But most importantly it was as if nothing ever happened...as if she didn't remember being mad at you at all.


Melissa's a lot like Mariko I think...so sweet , kind , happy , forgiving , caring & very loving! She knows just the right thing to say or do to instantly change your mood for the better.
This is for all of you out there who could use a little bit of love & encouragement....a little bit of Mariko, Melissa, & Marley...
"Don't worry about a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright.Singing': "Don't worry about a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright!"Rise up this mornin',Smiled with the risin' sun,Three little birdsPitch by my doorstepSingin' sweet songsOf melodies pure and true,Saying', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")Singing': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright."Singing': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright!"to be continued...
August 8, 2008I still haven't gotten my voice back ...it's been like a month now. My doctor said I need to stop talking...which is impossible with a house full of teens, and having to talk (well strained whisper) at work. She gives me "the look" when I tell her I can't not talk...and say's that it's going to take longer to get my voice back then. Oh well. Of course Kari & Momi pull the standard ..."What...what did you say...I can't hear you", when I'm telling them to do or clean something. hahaha!!
A cool thing about work (wait...what? haha...), is that we started a "Virtual Walk". Which means a bunch of us are walking the distant to Santa Cruz, CA. (60 miles), during our break. We've started walking a mile everyday at around 1000am, or whenever you can fit the walk in during your morning or afternoon breaks. Probably it's like almost 50 people walking I think? Anyways it should take us like 3 months. We completed 6 straight work days (We started Aug 1st), and it's getting a lot easier already...considering I haven't really had regular exercise in a long time. We should all be able to walk a mile in 13 minutes soon! I know it's been only a week but I can feel the difference already. I've also cut back on carbs & sugar...so I really think it's working. I promised my doctor I'd lose 10-20 lbs in 3 months. Like I mentioned previously I've gained quite a bit of weight since Mariko passed away due to depression, and mentally I understand that...so I'm trying to start taking better care of myself.
You remember earlier I had sort of a medical scare and of course I thought the worse...but I didn't care. I just dreaded going through all the crap you go through with cancer or whatever...and dealing with handling it all & worrying about Tom & the girls. So just before I went to the doctors appointment where I was going to get the results of the CT Scan...I stopped at the cemetery to talk to Mariko. I asked her if it was time to go & if yes... then I couldn't wait to see her again...But if she felt that Tom & the girls still needed me... that I was going to be OK. And I left there with a great sense of peace. Because Mariko was listening to me. So when the doctor came in I was so calm. I do have stuff to take care of...but I'm generally in good health. No cancer...no mass that the x-ray saw...
One last thing I went to target tonight to get some school supplies for Momi & Kari...I was standing in the middle of Target crying...because this is the time of year that I always stock-up on notebooks that Mariko stenciled in every single day. She loved notebooks, pens, & markers...$6.00 for a whole case. I can't believe that just last August for back to school shopping, she was with me getting those notebooks that meant so much to her.to be continued...
August 11, 2008Today I spent the whole day with Momi doing back to school shopping...mainly for new clothes for her. School starts in about 3 weeks. We hit so many stores and Momi normally knows what she likes. She does NOT depend on me to tell her what to get or what looks good on her...basically she would not listen to me about what she does or doesn't like. She tries clothes on and even if I say it looks so cute...she will not go with my opinion or anyone else's for that matter. She likes what she likes. She actually looks great in anything. She never has problems finding clothes like me. I struggle with it constantly and appreciate all the help I can get. I think I miss being skinnier because I could wear anything and feel pretty much good about it.
But when you're overweight you get disgusted with yourself trying to find anything ...even a sack to feel better about yourself. lol! I know this has been the dilemma for many, many women & men too I reckon. So when a skinny person say's I need to lose weight or they can't find anything to wear...I just want to slap em' hahaha. Joke!!It was easy shopping for Momi and Kari is always easy because she basically likes it simple. (And she doesn't give a shit about vanity! hahaha!) She mainly wants jeans, band T-shirts, & cool flannels. So tomorrow is Kari's turn. It's too simple...last year I was buying all new clothes for Mariko as well. She was a little more difficult to shop for. It was always hard to fit her because she was very tiny...short...but wider then little kids. She got tired of shopping easily, and I always had to help her try on everything because it was difficult for her to dress herself...until we found clothes that were age appropriate (not kids styles ...after all she was 20 at the time). We tried so much clothes until we were both so tired & often frustrated because it was so hard to find anything. She would say "Let's go home now"...while I wanted to get this done on our short weekends as it was...and I'd beg her just please try on a few things more. Until we were both near tears. But I would give anything to take her back-to-school shopping again. If I would have only known at the time that this was the very last back to school shopping trip with her...I would have treasured that time...I'm sorry Mariko. I miss everything about you so much...even the hard stuff!to be continues...
August 12, 2008I'm sure a lot of you heard or will hear about the controversy surrounding the movie 'Tropic Thunder'. The new Ben Stiller, Jack Black comedy that just came out in theaters. There are a lot of people that are probably anxiously awaiting the weekend to go and see it. Personally I wanted to see the movie myself until I heard about the controversy. Yes, I heard there is quite a bit of the word "retard" used in the movie. That word is frankly not much of a surprise to me...as I've mentioned earlier the word is almost as common as "Hello" now a days. But I read a more disturbing thing that they show in the movie centering around a photo of a child with Down Syndrome and a joke in very poor taste. Anyone who knows me knows that Mariko had Down Syndrome. So yes...it's very personal to me and my family. But the sad part of all of this is how desensitized we have become as a society...for people to accept the degradation of those who are unable to defend themselves. People say "come on...have a sense of humor"... It's a joke...a parody! But damn it I have a great sense of humor...but just not at the expense of the innocent who are unable to speak for themselves. There has got to be a line drawn...someone has to stand up and say "You have gone too far!". That it's just not funny. I refuse to dishonor the memory of my child by seeing this movie for a sick laugh. Would it be acceptable to go up to a disabled person and call them a "retard"...or you're "stupid" and laugh in their face. Then why is it OK on the big screen for millions of people to see & laugh at?I don't expect people to understand. But Mariko was not born whole...and she had to pay the price for it when people stared at her, or giggled, or called her Chucky Doll. She was aware enough to ask..."Mommy ...my face wrong?".So fuck all of those people out there who tell me to have a sense of humor. It's only a comedy...lighten up. Because they did not have a Mariko in their lives. Their children are healthy, perfect, they didn't have to struggle with hospitals, special schools, little yellow buses for the "retards", stares from strangers. They have NO fucking idea what it's like to be disabled or had to struggle with having a loved one with disabilities.So go enjoy the movie and have a good laugh...at Mariko!!!!to be continued.... (Sorry to all my caring friends...this controversy has touched a powerful nerve in me...and I am angry)!!
August 12, 2008 late eveningPlease don't let my personal views affect your decisions one way or the other. I was venting! I have no right to tell anyone how to live their lives. I have no right to judge anyone. I have made plenty of mistakes myself. I just get angry when people tell me how to feel. I know how I feel. The film in MY opinion is hurtful. But how I feel or what I believe right or wrong should not be forced on others... or I would be doing to you, what I hate having done to me. I will not watch this movie...but you 're not living my life or know Mariko as I did. And you may most definitely have your own opinions about what is funny. I'm almost certain that this movie will be hilarious...(until it gets to the parts that will stab at my heart when Mari's face flashes in my mind).Please keep in mind my pain is still real & fresh in my heart... and this pain is not yours!to be continued...
August 15,2008I was hoping that I would get a lot more comments concerning my rant against that movie. Maybe some outrageous indignation against the movie, maybe promises that you will not watch the movie either, maybe some moral support, or maybe someone telling me to just lighten up...it's only a comedy! Maybe a little bit of something.But looking back on what I wrote, I guess it would be hard to say anything. You're not emotionally invested as I am. I already know that this does not affect you personally as it does me. I have acquaintances...friends...but really you are just on the outside looking in. I'm the one who invited you to look into my life by opening up in my blog for Mariko. I understand that you really have no emotional investment, other than empathy for someone else's pain. (Which I do appreciate all of your kind words & thoughts about Mariko). But you all have your own lives, family, friends,... & beliefs. By openly writing about Mariko...it's almost like watching a sad movie, or whatever your feelings might be about what I write. You may shed a tear, laugh, sympathize, become bored, or you may not understand the plot.. So once you sign out (like exiting the movie theater), you move on with your lives. As it should be...as I myself would do. But I'm still living it. I never thought I would open up as I have. I guess it helps me deal somewhat. I still cry all the time. I still find it hard to believe everything that's happened. I still can't accept not seeing her again. When you watch a sad movie...the people go through a lot of sorrow & anger, but then towards the end there is always a little glimmer of hope or acceptance. I wonder what happens after the credits roll?? Because I really don't know that I will ever be better. People tell me all the time that it gets better. Or they look at me as if I never lost my baby...like I must be over it.




But do you not see how I've changed? I'm not the Keiko of before 01/08/08. Mariko has had a profound affect on me from her life & now after she's gone. Someone told me I have to stop going to see her everyday. That it's not good for me & it's not allowing me to heal. But how do I stop? If I don't see her then I feel worse. If I don't see her during my lunch hour...then I must see her after work. Who else will water her flowers and make sure everything is OK? I fear when I don't go. Tell me... if you lost your child could you stop? If yes...then tell me how? See...just like after the credit rolls in the sad movie we all wish for the best...but we really don't know if everything is going to be alright for the main characters. We play out all kinds of scenarios in our mind and sometimes pick the one we can live with.to be continued...
August 16, 2008I've been reading commentaries, articles online about Tropic Thunder...and I realize I am too close to the subject to give an objective opinion. Perhaps I am over-reacting. Perhaps I am taking it all the wrong way. I guess I will never know unless I see for myself. But if I cringe every time I hear someone in passing say 'retard', that's 'retarded', you're 'retarded'... then how can I sit through a whole movie that's constantly spewing that word & making fun of an actor wanting to portray a "retard" in order to get an academy award? I have spoken to a few people over the years, that were unknowingly using that word, and asked them to please not use it around me. They then realize that I have a daughter with a mental disability and quickly apologize and say they were not thinking. Like I said the word is used so often now a day that it's almost automatic for some...especially young people. But one thing that really, really got to me is how you know after a popular movie there's always t-shirts, cups, notebooks, ect...to promote the movie. Like with Star Wars or Harry Potter you can get a t-shirt, products of every character from that movie.. which Mariko loved. The problem with Tropic Thunder is that there is already a t-shirt out that say's "Full Retard"...that means the actor was told or believes in order to get the academy award for playing a person with a disability he would have to play the Full Retard! Now how many of you would have laughed at that? And if you laugh...would it make you feel uncomfortable after? Or would you just laugh & forget about it. For myself it would have hurt. So I guess Mariko was the Full Retard...right??? But I don't think it's funny at all because I lived through her struggles.August 21, 2009Some of you know that towards the end of last year when some friends of mine first made a 'my space' for me...I started looking up old friends from when I was young. Of course I couldn't find anyone. For one thing I'm 'Old'...and for another most of my old girlfriends probably got married and their last names have changed. But miracles of miracles I found one of my best friends from when I was 12 years old. She never married. At first when I looked at her pictures I couldn't recognize her. But then I studied her pictures and saw in her eyes the Olivia I knew in the 7th grade. Like me she was half Japanese. But a 'blond' Japanese. She also had a lot of freckles. But it was all in her eyes...the Japanese eyes. She's absolutely beautiful. Well the excitement was overwhelming and we shared all the memories we had when we were 12 in Okinawa. The things we did...the places...what was "in"...life as military brats, ect... It was so much fun looking back on my Wonder Years. I loved being 12...I loved living in Okinawa. I miss it. Being Military dependents is an exciting life. We moved from station to station...but Okinawa was the best time. But being Military brats...we never grew up with our best friends. Either my dad got a new assignment or my friends father got new orders. So even though we really did not spend a long time together...she made a major impact on my life. Reliving those memories with her felt almost like going back in time...when life was easy, fun, wonderful. If I remember correctly her family got transferred out of Okinawa first to California I think. My dad ended up retiring in Guam right after my 9th grade.Anyway it was so wonderful talking back & forth with Olivia.
But then things of course took a terrible turn and I lost Mariko. And to deal with my lose I have been dedicating a lot of my space to her. A lot of you have been there for me ..writing to me...responding to my blogs sharing your love, memories, thoughts about Mariko. I will forever be grateful to all of you. But the one person I didn't hear from was Olivia. She never said anything. I know that's she's been on....and finally 7 months later I finally brought it up to her in a message and she did offer her condolences. But I guess you can say I was disappointed & hurt.But then I realized something...we really only know the 12 year old us's...not who we are now. We really don't have much investment in each other's lives except for that short memory 38 years ago. So I sent the message below to her in a blog. It may seem a little harsh...but I like to think it was more a release of expectations or obligations. And hopefully a beginning!"It was great 'looking' back on those days...but it's sad because we can't go back.All the life experiences we've lived through, people that have come and gone through the years, places we have lived, & where we are RIGHT NOW in our lives...have made us completely different people than who we were when we were 12! Yes, 12 WAS my Wonder Years....But I'm 50 now!!! I'm no longer who I was back then. I love the Olivia from when we were 12...I don't know the Olivia of now...and she does not know me either. I like to think that maybe we have retained a little bit of who we were somewhere deep inside. But we have taken completely different paths in our lives, and it's scary to think that we can somehow be disillusioned by our expectation based on memories of being 12.So lets hold onto the memories as long as we can...and hopefully grow from there.I love you Olivia of 12... you were one of my best friends."to be continued...
August 26, 2006I'm so proud of Kari & Momi. I'm proud that they are still learning, working, growing on their love of music. I love their band "The Candy Bombardiers". Their just starting to get their band going...putting their music out there for people to listen too. I know it's not everyone's taste in music. But I love it. Their style is Punk/ Garage/ Ska style...but they also play beautiful music that sounds I guess a little like Indie, alternative. But they will not put that sound out there because they prefer the Punk sound. I being older would love them to put out the other style...but that's not them. They finally have 3 new songs on their My space Music site (http://www.myspace.com/candybombardiers) . But they have so many older songs that I love that they haven't recorded yet. Like one of my favorites is called "Pluto is a Planet you Bastards"...hahaha! It's a great song. And of course..."Keiko on the Beach"! umhm! But my song is islandy...and it's another song that they will not put out there. But it's on my IPOD!
Anyway what I wanted to talk about is something that makes me feel reassured in my role as a parent. Last week Tom & I were concerned...worried about Kari's future because she's a senior now. We wanted to see what she had planned for her future. We wanted to 'know' if she had a plan. If it's music...then fine. Get Serious. If it's going on to College fine. If it's Art...writing...film....ect... We just wanted her to have a plan and work hard for it. To start formulating it in her head. But whatever she decided then she needs to move towards that goal and we will support her no matter what it is. She is pulled in so many directions and she needed to take a step towards completing one thing.
This past weekend she got busy. Kari and her band played...recorded music all day Saturday until 1:00am Sunday morning finally placing their new songs on my space. It's actually real hard recording a song. You don't just play and then record it until you get it right. Each individual had to record their part and then it's re-mastered into one sound by the recorder. So the guitar is played alone & recorded until it's right. Then the bass is recorded. Then the vocal...ect.... It's actually more difficult then it sounds. You have to make sure the instruments are tuned There's a million buttons on the recorder that needs to be adjusted to get the right sound, tone, ect... They are doing this on their own...It's not professionally recorded obviously. But it sounds great. You should hear them live.
It's a start! And I'm extremely proud. (By the way ...this is done in my living room...hahaha. No fancy studio. There was a lot of shushing, quiet, recording called out that day). I'm proud of Kari (Guitar), Kayla (Bass), Ariel (singer), & Momi (drums)...you'll hear Momi in a future song that I unfortunately...accidentally unplugged the recorder & they lost the song, and they will have to start all over. It was almost midnight & I felt horrible because they were almost done. (They forgave me... hahaha). But they all take part in writing songs & music. It's quite a process and Tom & I are enjoying every minute.
But the most wonderful thing is she wrote the song "Can't look Back" after our talk. She actually listened to us. She used to always say "I don't want to grow up"..."I want to be a Kid"! The band actually played a more melodic version of the song and it was very beautiful. But you'll only hear the Punk version. But the softer version touched my heart. I have written down the words below in case you don't catch it at first in the punk version...because it has a lot of meaning & thought.




Time....I'm running out of time.....
Back....Can I take it all back? ....
Now... I'll give it all up now...
You... I'll give it all to you.......
But it's too late I can't look back no more.......
But it's too late I can't look back no more
I.... I need to find a life.......
No....no more of my low life.......
What....will happen when it's all done?.......
Can.... you tear that question from my head?....
Why....Why do I ask why?.......
By... Can I ask to get by?....
I'll get by so I won't ask why....... Oh no...........to be continue...
August 31, 2008Yesterday was the 70th birthday party of a former friend & coworker...and a reunion of sorts. Old friends & coworkers were gathered together to help celebrate his birthday. It was great seeing old friends that have left the company we once worked together at. I missed so many of them. Some I keep in contact with regularly, and others I hear from a few times a year. Which makes me contemplate "friendships", and the true meaning of what being a friend really means. I know that when we all worked together we were so close...or as close as co-workers are capable of. In this age and time it's really hard to classify co-workers as friends. We have a commonality in that we have to basically coexist at our Company...and therefore get to know as much as we are able to in an 8 hour period day in & day out. But once we leave that office or job for the day our focus changes to our 'real' life...our real friends & family.
So are co-workers really just glorified acquaintances? We spend the day sharing our feelings about the job, or how we feel about the Company, or how we feel about fellow co-workers & bosses. Some days are better than others. We tend to gravitate toward certain groups...mainly the one who we work closes with, your cultural likeness, your years at the Company, & finally your "position" within the Company. Sometimes there is a forced congeniality because we are "adults" & professional...but in our 'real' life we probably wouldn't even consider ourselves friends.




However, there are a few exceptions...for me there's one true friend in particular who never really let me down, or never made me feel less valued. Her name is Melissa. She left the Company a while back...but it's amazing how when I saw her again for the first time in such a long time.. it's as if we never were apart.
I've come to the conclusion that friendship that matter's is a two way street. You "get" what you "give"! Melissa knows more about me than people that I see on a daily basis. This is because she genuinely cares about me, and is interested in what happens to me, or what I have to say. And the feeling is mutual. She can read me like a book, and she always know just the right thing to say to me.
So what I'm trying to say is how much precious time are you willing to invest in your friendships? Especially now-a-days time is flying by so fast. We have so much on our plates...family, home, kids, bills, jobs, ect. Is one true friend enough for us...or do we have many? I think friends love each other no matter what...you forgive each other's annoyances & mistakes. You stand by them when they are not themselves. You stand by them when they let you down. You stand by them when they piss you off. You stand by them because you've invested time, care, & love on them and you're not willing to easily disregard them. Your share a history with them. You don't ever make them feel like they're invisible, or not valuable to your life. And trust me I've felt invisible a lot in my life...never more so then when Mariko died. Mainly because I don't think people know how to be around me...and I don't blame them really. But some people like Melissa...didn't allow me to become invisible to her. She comforted me and continues to do so everyday. She never forgot what Mariko meant to me, and even though Mari's gone she knows she's alive every day in my heart.
I know I have let people down. I know I have pissed people off. I know I can be off-putting, unapproachable, & quiet. I also want people to know & understand that it's because I have flashes of missing Mariko throughout my day. But can they still stick by me no matter what? I don't think all of them could. I just know the ones that can! There are (like I said exceptions), and I hope they know who they are. I'm just focusing on Melissa because I think she's grand, but there are many others as well that are worth my precious time...that I will fight for & not let go of. Friends who know me well enough to excuse my foolishness & idiosyncrasies...and still love me!September 1, 2008Today I was driving home from visiting Mariko with Tom. You know how when you are driving your mind wanders and jumps from thought to thought? It's amazing how we get from point A to point B sometimes, because our minds are racing along with the day. Suddenly I had a flash of finding Mariko on the bus that horrible day...I saw her clearly as if I were right back there in time...and my heart jumped so suddenly, and the pain was so intense that I burst into tears. I just had a waking Nightmare!to be continued...