Part 4

April 16, 2008It's spring break for Kari and Momi. Yesterday Momi was with her friend Lily and Jacob. They were on their way to meet Thai and hang out at Linda Mar Beach.I was at work...I received a call from Momi on my cell phone. I was asking her why she was calling my cell when she was supposed to call my work phone. (Cell phones are not allowed at my job). She screamed in the most terrifying voice "MOM DON'T HANG UP!" My heart sank. She was screaming in terror and talking a million miles a minute. I could not grasp what she was saying. There was so much background noise. My first thought was that she was either being kidnapped, or badly hurt and she was calling for help. I started panicking and keep saying "I can't understand you...what...what's wrong?"

I finally heard through all her screams ".....HIT BY A CAR!" "I screamed what...who...where are you?" I wanted to run to my car but then she either hung up or got disconnected. I screamed Momi...Momi...Momi...as I tried to redial her as fast as I could. No Answer!! I was by then thinking she was hit by the car and she passed out... "Oh my God...Oh my God"...not another child...not my baby!!!!" By then there were people around me trying to help...they were asking me what's going on. I said someone got hit by a car...and they too thought it was Momi. I redialed again and again as I was grabbing my keys and purse... I got through and Momi was still panicking but she managed to scream "LILY got hit by a car". Lily is one of her best friends. I asked "where are you... and she said come to Linda Mar"...and we were disconnected again. I was outside and Louis & Kathy at work wouldn't let me drive. Louis was trying to calm me as I was hyperventilating by then. I kept repeating "Please God...Please God....Please God...don't let her die."By the time we were nearing Linda Mar...we passed an ambulance going the other direction. I was praying please let Momi be OK. First her sister dies and now her friend a couple of months later....Nooooo!!! As we approached Linda Mar Beach we saw all the Police officers...lights...people...Lily's shoe...and skateboard in the middle of the road. And then we saw Momi. She looked OK as we drove up. I jumped out of the car to hug her and shockingly she said ..."NO...don't..." as she held back tears..."I CAN:T!!!" I hugged her anyway. She was in shock...she was hurting...she didn't want to fall apart...and she was Angry!!! Angry that this happened...angry at God maybe...angry at the world...angry at me because I was the easiest target.We went to the emergency room at SF General (Trauma Hospital). Lily is alive...but seriously injured.to be continued...
April 19, 2008Lily is doing fine. Thank God! She was in ICU and had surgery. She had several injuries. But the prognosis is very good. She should be going home soon, but it will take her a couple of months at home to fully recover. She is a beautiful girl, and I'm so grateful that she will have a future to look forward too. And I thank God selfishly that it wasn't Momi.



I've been thinking a lot about that movie 'Sliding doors' with Gweneyth Paltrow. It's about how a moment could change your whole life. If she misses the train her life would go one way...and if she makes the train her life goes in a totally different direction. No one knows when they wake up what the day will hold for them. Sure we have vague plans and schedules...but no one really knows how it's really going to turn out. If Momi and Lily take just 1 more minute to leave Lily's house for instance, that driver would have already gone through that intersection. If Momi was walking in front of Lily...it could have just as easily been her. And if it was her would the results have been the same. I pray every day that God won't do this to me again. He couldn't. But there are families out there who have sadly lost more than one loved one. But again self preservation...hope...faith... doesn't allow me to believe it will ever happen again. Life is so precious and we can't take one day for granted. I can not shelter my kids from the World.. that's not life. I want them to be happy and embrace this short time on earth. I want them to love their life and not be a prisoner of it. But that fear in me also wants them to not leave the house...to be safe...to be protected. But I refuse to rob them of their happiness...so I let them go, and I have to have faith that God doesn't want them yet. Because no one knows the course of their life. No one knows from the day begun how it will unfold...but we go out and we face it every day, good or bad! We have to have faith that the lessons we taught them will help them make wise choices...and that from now on they are aware of their surroundings, and not only aware that they are doing the right thing, but are also watching out what others are doing too.to be continued....
Yesterday there was another sympathy card going around at work. I found out that a co-worker from another office just lost her younger brother. I have not met her personally, but because of business I feel I know her as a friend. She is the most pleasant, upbeat person I deal with on a regular basis. She is never flustered, never rude, never negative in our crazy business dealings. She is soooo nice, and I always find myself smiling whenever I talk to her. Surely she must have been raised in a loving, fun loving family. I was always so amazed at how positive & cool she was about everything. So that is why I cried for her pain yesterday when I heard. I again know what she must be going through. It's been a terrible year so far with so much pain and loss...that it's almost as if I'm almost not surprised. It's more like "What's next...what more can we bare?" And yet life goes on as if this is the norm...which is LIFE. "A time to be born, a time to die"... But never before has it been just a few degree's away from me. Sometimes I feel that I don't want to live this life anymore...I'm so tired! I want to see Mariko again so badly and hold her & kiss her cheeks. But then I will miss so much...Kari, Momi, and Tom still need me. So every day I wake up, and every night I go to sleep... and I try to find the meaning of this life.to be continued...
April 26, 2008I haven't written anything for a little while because I've been feeling lost....empty! I can't explain it very well. It's like I've shoved by feelings aside so that I can cope I guess. I'm almost numb because it makes it easier to go through the daily motions of living. I smile or laugh at the appropriate moments. I get frustrated, angry, and nod in agreement at the appropriate moments...but it all really doesn't mean anything. I find myself forgetting little things. I can't remember from day to day 'The stuff'...like if I paid a bill, what I wore to work the previous day, what day it is, & what I had for dinner on Tuesday, ect.. I guess I just don't care. I've been gaining weight because I 'know' I'm using food as comfort like I've done all my life. I just don't care. I hold it together to go to work...but I don't really care about it. I do my job, I pick up the kids, and then I sit and try to escape into the mind numbing TV. My house is a mess...I have no energy or care to really clean it. I do the bare essentials. I don't plan for the future...not the next day, next week, next month...I just try to get through day to day. My sister says I'm going through 'depression' and that it's understandable considering the circumstances. I see people and I think they already forgot that I had a little girl name Mariko who meant the World to me, and now she's gone. She's gone from their thoughts and memories...and I absolutely can't stand the thought that it will happen to me too. I guess I don't want to feel better, because then it will be like I'm forgetting her. So I go on balancing on this edge between feeling good or bad...this edge of emptiness.to be continued...






April 27, 2008It was an absolutely beautiful weekend. We visited with Mariko a little longer both days...just laid around listening to music that she would have loved.
Today we went to breakfast and the most amazing thing happened while we were waiting for our table. An absolutely beautiful Down Syndrome girl came in with her family. She was so sweet. She had long black hair (just like Mari had), she was 6 years old, and she was wearing this beautiful princess dress. She was with her parents and her older brother & sister. She was so full of joy. The amazing thing was that as soon as she walked into the restaurant she came right up to me and held my hands and she had the most wondrous smile on her face. (I felt like Mariko sent her to me...to remind me that she was happy like this little angel). I was so touched remembering Mariko when she was 6 years old too. The only difference was that she didn't have Mariko's rosy cheeks or purple little fingers. She was healthy. You could tell she was so loved by her parents. She ran right back to her dad and he held her lovingly...just like Tom would have done. Her mother smiled at me and I think it touched her heart that I treated her like any other little girl. She absolutely glowed. I just wanted to tell her parents that I too had a beautiful Down Syndrome girl...but I didn't want to tell her that she just died. I didn't want to let her know that most downs children don't have long life expectancies...at least not as long as "normal" people. But definitely longer than Mariko. So I just sat silently smiling at this joyous little girl. Before we were seated that sweet little girl came back up to me and said a quick greeting again. I told her she was beautiful and I loved her dress...she then pointed her little finger and touched me and said "you"...then to Momi...and Tom. Kari was not with us today but she would have got a kick out of seeing her. The amazing part was that I wasn't sadden by seeing her...instead I was uplifted. What are the odds that a Down Syndrome girl would come into my day, and come immediately up to me when there were so many people around. She came up to me when I needed it most...when I was empty and sad. She reminded me of the pure Joy that was Mariko.to be continued...





April 30, 2008I know I have been focusing on my thoughts and memories of Mariko. But this has actually taken a major toll on Tom. He out of all of us was the closest to Mariko. He is the father, husband...the man of the house, and he has really been trying to keep it...all of us together. But he seems so weary to me right now. The loss of Mariko has hit him so hard. He is the most loving, caring, hard-working, smart, kind, calm, clear-headed man I have ever met. Without him life would not be complete. And so I worry about him.
From the moment I met him I knew that he was the one...never any doubt. Even though my parents literally hated him without even knowing him... I knew he was the best guy out there for me. After our first, brief meeting he wrote his mom in the states, telling her he met the girl he was going to marry. She still has that letter. Even after we were married at Two Lover's Point on Guam, at sunset overlooking the Ocean... my parents still did not like him. They basically would not give him a chance...until they saw him stand by me while I was going through that excruciating labor giving birth to Mariko. He never left my side during that over 24 hour period. He held my hand, fed me ice chips, massaged my back, and spoke to me with love and encouragement. He was my strength. And then when Mariko was finally delivered and he decided to raise her by himself if I couldn't handle it...they too realized the goodness that I've seen all along in Tom. Now I think they love him more than me. hahaha.
You see my parents have lived with the Military for most of their adult life, and they witnessed the treatment of a lot of Caucasian men toward their Asian girlfriends or wives. They thought that Tom would be domineering, demanding, overpowering towards me. While in reality it's quite the opposite...we treat each other with respect, and so much love for the past 25 years.From the moment he held Mariko he loved her with all his heart. She was definitely a 'Daddy's Girl'. Everything he thought or did was always in consideration of Mariko. He smiled from the moment he laid eyes on her, and he couldn't wait to get home to see her & hold her in his arms. He played with her, had meaningful conversations with her as she grew older...he never got tired of giving her all the attention she needed. Because he too needed her attention in return. And more than anything or anyone he understood her, and saw more to her than anyone else could. He also worried about her and felt deeply everything she went through, or was going through. He was dad!May 8, 2008My whole family has been sick with some sort of 'alien' flu. It's severe and we have all had various degree's of pain, cough, exhaustion, ear infections, intestinal issues, vomiting, headache, fever (burning up but freezing at the same time), ect... For some reason in addition to all the loss that has been happening...this is the 3rd major time since just January that we have all fallen ill. Considering that I rarely if ever get sick this has been one hell of a year. I can't help but think of how hard this would have been on Mariko. I believe that had she not passed away from her heart attack...that her weak body would not have been able to handle these illnesses like the rest of us. It has been absolutely debilitating.
Someone told me that the Chinese have predicted that 2008 was going to be a very bad year on the Chinese calendar...from deaths, severe weather, tragedy, illness, ect... And obviously I'm beginning to believe it. It's scary because it's only May of 2008. There's 7 more months to go. I need to lay down.to be continued..
May 11, 2008It's just after midnight...it's Mother's Day. One thing I always knew since I was a little girl was that one day I would have children...that one day I was going to be a mom. That my children will be beautiful & loving kids. That they will grow up to have good lives. I didn't picture the challenges of having a child like Mariko...but those challenges became blessings. So that picture changed a little for the better. That Mariko would be with us during our retirement ages...and when Tom & I finally passed from this World...that her sisters will then take over in the care of her. Never did I believe that I would out-live a child. It's not supposed to happen that way. I knew it was always a possibility, but when I pictured my life...I always pictured Mariko with us. While Kari & Momi would come home for visits...they would also be visiting Mariko as well. So even though it's Mother's Day...it really can't be because a big part of that perfect picture is missing...and she's not coming back. People wish me a Happy Mother's Day and I cry because it's really not!! How much more of this can I bear. I'm not that mom I always pictured since I was a little girl. I'm just one of those mom's who sit by the grave of their baby and cry, and cry, and cry .....to be continued...
May 11, 2008 John, Thanks for you kind words in your blog comment. The one thing you said about how the pain is just under the surface is so true. It's 'right there'... I know it will always be with me....with Tom. Intellectually I know that your words and the words of all my friends, are given to me in an effort to help me heal...to see beyond the pain. And I appreciate that you and my friends care so much. But emotionally I can't be reasoned with...I can't see beyond the pain and sorrow. I selfishly cling to the pain because then I am actually 'feeling' something...it's not so empty. I'm not letting go of Mariko.to be continued...
May 16,2008It's Momi's Birthday weekend. She turns 13 on Monday...but of course it's not just a birth-DAY...it's a birth week....month according to Momi. hahaha. My God is she growing up way too fast. I remember when I was 13, I was not nearly as sophisticated, grown up, or social as Momi is. She has so many friends and she is always pulled in so many directions. She is still trying to find out the person she will one day become. All I know is that she's the most fascinating 13 year old that I know. I find it hard to fathom what or who she will be one day. I just know that she will 'not' grow up to be a boring anything. She loves her life...she wants to do and see so much. She dreams BIG.
I wonder if she will look back on 12 as a traumatic time in her life...will she forever be affected somehow with 12 being the year she lost her older sister...her innocence. Because now she knows that death is a reality, and not something you see on TV or movies. I never really had to go through such loss when I was as young as she was. She has gone through counseling...but do we ever really come to terms with this great a loss. I know how hard it's been for me and Tom...but maybe being so young she will be OK. I don't know maybe I'm projecting my own feelings onto her. Only time will tell how or if this will stay with her. It's only been a little over 4 months since Mariko passed away. Momi Loved her so....to be continued...





May 27, 2009I haven't been writing for a while... I'm not sure why but I've been feeling a lot of fear lately. Fear for Tomomi ...fear for Kari...and Tom. Not to mention my dad who has been very ill lately...and Joy in New York...and Trapper in San Diego. I'm so afraid right now of almost everything. I can't explain it. Maybe because I know with absolute certainty that I will not survive another loss. (One thing I don't fear is for myself, and what will happen to me. It's almost like I don't care what happens to me). But I've felt the utter fear of losing Momi already...twice since Mariko passed away I thought something horrible happened to Momi. I remember screaming and feeling hopeless again with the initial phone calls. Panic is so intense...so debilitating. Until I received reassurance that she is OK...I am in shear panic mode. It's absolutely horrible. To lose another child is unbearable...so I carry this fear with me.
With Kari the fear is a little different. I worry about her future and what will become of her. She is such a great kid...but I don't think she realizes how great she really is. How talented. She has always been the one to not want to be noticed or stick out in a crowd. She doesn't have the ambition to exceed the expectation of others or herself. She just wants to abide. So I fear that if something happens to Tom or me, she would be lost.
With Tom it's a little different...you see his grandfather died on Tom's 3rd birthday party at age 54. His father also died at age 54. And Tom has always felt that maybe this was a family curse and it could happen to him. He's 54. I just pray that his mind hasn't convinced his body that this is true for him as well. The mind is a powerful force. I also hope that my own fear is not playing into this.
My dad is suffering so many ailments and we believe it's from the Vietnam war. He was a Chemical / Gas specialist in the military...and his symptoms are so unusual that we believe it has to do with his many years of working with these chemicals & gases (ex. Agent Orange). All the doctors and specialist are unable to give a clear diagnosis. My dad has always been the macho, strong man when we were growing up...but with a loving heart. Now to see him almost reduced to being half of who is was is so heart-breaking. I fear that call from my Mom will come any day now. I worry about Joy living in New York...it just seems so big and scary (at least in the movies)...and I fear for Trapper who lives with a bunch of young adults and partying so much. Who knows the trouble they can run in to? I do know in my head that living with fear is not right. That I should live each day as it comes. But I still have not completely accepted that I won't see Mariko today...tomorrow or the next. How is it possible to accept that I will not see her again. Yes, in death I am told...I hope to see her again. But the everyday living of this life.. it's impossible to accept. I can't see her except in pictures or in my mind. I look around my house and see her pictures...but I can't accept that she's not in her room, at school, in this World. I still hear her voice when she say's "Mommy". But I turn around and she's not there.
I'm so pissed off at God that he took her from me...I'm not ready yet! And I'm pissed off at God that he won't let me see her dancing with Angels in my dreams. Instead I still have the nightmares and the pain. So how do I praise God for this fear I now live with? With this pain. What happened to my loving God. I feel no comfort. I'm supposed to accept that this is the plan for my life. Well I want a new plan...because I don't see how this plan is good or uplifting for anyone. Is this supposed to make me a better person? I don't feel like I'm a better person...I don't see myself as an example...I don't see anything but how angry I am. I thought that if I lived a decent life...that I was a good person...that I did not intentionally hurt others...that I would be blessed. But instead God put me in my place and took me down another notch. He made me question his plan...he made me doubt...he made ask why?to be continued...
June 1, 2008If you know me you know that my house is 'open' to my kids friends. So it isn't unusual that come Friday after school I have several (up to 20 teens) in my house. The kids are free to come & go, play music, hang out, eat, drink and be happy. I do this for my kids...but also because Tom & I enjoy the teens. I also think it's important that the teens have a safe place to go. Not to mention that I basically get to know my kids friends and that way I am reassured that they are with good kids and staying out of trouble.. I've had my favorites...but I try to treat everyone equally.
But I'm also human and from time to time they get on my nerves...especially after a hard week of work. But I also know that I am having difficulty having them around since Mariko is gone. Especially when it's more like a party. Yes...again it's the guilt and pain of having fun without her here. But I also need to keep some balance because Kari & Momi need their friends and their home should not turn into this "dark", sorrowful place. So I still want the teens around. I know that over the summer it's going to be an almost daily occurrence. We will have several teens here daily. Tom & I will be at work...but I try to come home for lunch and check on them plus I get off fairly early at 2:45pm. Also, my neighbor is a cop and she's home on disability and my sister is around the block. All I expect is for my house to not get too messy and out of control...and hopefully their not eating me out of house & home. Especially now that things are more expensive it's tough to afford to pay for groceries for your own family...let alone a ton of teenagers who eat, and eat , and eat!!!! Tom & I agreed a long time ago that we don't want to be the type of parents that won't let kids be kids and enjoy themselves, and if we eat we share. But honestly it's getting harder. I just wish that once in a while some of the teens will just bring over a bag of chips or soup or ramen, or sandwich fixings, or anything for all the other kids.
I have to admit I lost it with the kids this past weekend. They wanted a party at my house to celebrate one of their b-days. I really wasn't up to it...but reluctantly I agreed. Like I said it's hard to say no to the 2 kids I have left. So by agreeing we felt obligated to do the main food... (and it's our fault the teens also knew we would). So we bought the beef / chicken/ and veggies for shiskabobs, ect... Someone wanted shrimp as well but I told them it was too expensive. But in total we spent about $150.00 because they also wanted to make a special dish "jambalaya" and I made potato salad too. Everything was fine until my youngest Momi asked to have some dip that one of them had brought and they said 'NO' it's for the birthday person. I was shocked and already not in the mood as I already explained. And I approached that teen and said I was disappointed and that they are always here eating whatever we have, and they make themselves at home to anything. So if Momi wants dip then she should be able to have some. I of course over-reacted a bit...and felt bad. But then again they should take some responsibility as well. Some of these teens I love as my own kids...they have been in our lives for years. But they have become almost complacent (like my own kids). You know...almost too comfortable. The night before when we were discussing the party...I said they need to help clean before the party. And one of them said why it's only so & so party and we don't need too. I told them if they expected my home to be the hangout and the place for parties than 'YES' absolutely my house needs to be cleaned. (Not the whole house...just the areas of the party). Also, if they weren't always there I wouldn't be so tired, and my house would be cleaner. Also, I told them to feel free to have the party elsewhere. But they seem to like my house...probably because we have been too easy going & free. They got the point!! (I Think!)
I do know that my frustration is partly due to my depression from the loss of Mariko...But give me a FRICKIN' break. These teens are old enough to know better. They're not babies. PLEASE be considerate. I don't want to be a total bitch...I honestly don't want too. But with FUN comes responsibility. I did sit them down after and told them I don't want them to feel uncomfortable in my home. They are like my kids and they will be treated like my kids...but also reprimanded as I would reprimand my own kids...because I LOVE THEM TOO!to be continued...
June 6, 2008Have you ever been in a crowded room and still feel so alone. It's almost as if I'm looking down at myself.. like watching a movie. I'm in the moment and yet not really there. It's almost a surreal feeling like the crowded room is not real but I'm the only one that exist...and the only one that's conscience of what's really happening. I'm alone and everything that's happening is just a movie in my head.That's sort of what I'm feeling. No one knows what's really going on with me. I play out the part. We have conversations, we move about... but I see myself... outside myself. But the real me is invisible. Maybe everyone feels that way...looking down on your own lives. The stories have all been told before...but now you are the main character. Nothing is real but what you are seeing played out.
I can almost think that God is the director of this life. He wrote my life in advance that I would love, hate, cry here, laugh there...and live through the death of my child. He already wrote down what I will feel, how I would react, that I would scream in agony this day, & that the camera would pull back at a distance as I sit next to my child’s headstone and cry. This has all played before in someone else's life...someone else’s reality. But this one is mine!The pages are not all written yet? But there's now a fear of the unknown. I don't want to see how the story ends...I only want to know that the rest of my pages play out showing that the lives of my girls Kari & Momi as being blessed. That they never have pain, or sadness, or fear. Why Not? Some stories do have happy endings!to be continued...
6/16/2008Would you consider 5 months a long time in your life? Not really right?!? That's how long it's been since I last saw Mariko...since I spoke to her...since I held her. 5 months is not long ago...but too long for a Mommy to be without her baby. Father's day was so hard on Tom yesterday. I cried with him as we sat at Mariko's grave site remembering all the wonderful things about her, and trying to keep each other strong. And I told him from my heart.. that Mariko loved him the best. He was the best father to her. While I spent the time with Kari & Momi and their needs (my guilt of not giving enough to Mariko)...I was comforted in knowing that I could always count on Tom to be there for Mariko. He always gave Mariko his time, consideration, & love before anything else. While the other girls rushed ahead with me wherever we went as a family...Tom would always, always walk slowly and stay by Mariko's side. He always said..."I got her!" In other words he never, ever forgot about her. He was always by her side. Because of her health she always moved so slowly...and I was always rushing around with the other two girls. But Tom never left her side. They had this very special bond, and I will be the first to admit that I was in awe of their closeness.
Happy Father's Day Tom! You deserve to be happy even though your heart is broken. You more than anyone I know have earned the honor. I love you!to be continued...
June 19,2008Every night after work Tom goes walking along the pier close to our house. It calms him down & he feels this is his time with Mariko. Past the pier there's a long walking path and the Ocean view is beautiful. On a previous walk with Kari & Momi they had seen a coyote. Instead of feeling any fear they were in awe. It was still at a distance but it was a wonderful site. A few weeks ago he was walking by himself and he was feeling down. He walk by the place were they had seen the coyote and he looked up to the spot...and asked "Come on Mariko.. show me the coyote"... well it wasn't there. But as soon as he looked back down in front of him on the path...there was a cute little bunny rabbit. IT"S SO MARIKO!!! She loved bunny rabbits better!to be continued...