Part 2

February 15, 2008
Yesterday was Valentines Day and I had another meltdown. I guess any holiday or occasion will bring me back to how much I miss my girl. I had to leave work a little early to sit by her grave and cry and talk to her. I was hurting so badly, but sitting there for some reason calmed me down. I guess I thought I was closer to her, where she was last laid to rest. I hope...at least I have to have faith that she's really not there, but she's in Heaven. Every night I pray to God to please let me dream of seeing her dancing in heaven. I just need to know that there's more then this life, or what's the point of living at all? I just can't grasp or get my mind around "Heaven". But I absolutely can not believe that this is it, and we just become as if we never existed. Mariko was real...and I need to believe that I will see her again. I guess that's what faith & hope is for. Without that how could anyone ever survive the loss of a loved one...a child. It's impossible. And so I cling to this faith...this hope because that's what gets me through the day that is so much sadder without her.
We've been going to the cemetery quite a bit and it's amazing how peaceful and safe it feels there. It's nothing like the scary movies we grew up with. Because how can I possibly be afraid of a place where Mariko is? It's beautiful... she is surrounded by History. By people that once walked this world. By people who have loved, and had people that loved them. Holy Cross is beautiful. She is surrounded by mausoleums on one side, and gorgeous old time monuments and crosses. There are trees and flowers in this beautiful park setting. I am at peace with this place. to be continued....
February 18, 2008This will be short today because I'm tired. But someone asked me the other day if I had moved on yet?!? Meaning have I gotten over it...I guess. I was shocked at that question. I know this person didn't mean harm...I think this person just wanted me to feel better and worded it all wrong. But I will never feel better...a part of who I am is gone. I will continue to go through the motions of living my live. But I will never be better...I'm missing a part of my heart, and it will always hurt.to be continued...

February 21, 2008It's strange but I've noticed these little routines I must do every day. I have to do these things or I have like a mini anxiety attach. Every morning I absolutely must go by Mariko's room and say Good Morning and I love you baby. Every night I must go in her room and smooth out her bedding and adjust her pillows and stuffed animals, and kiss her picture. There have been a couple of nights when I was absolutely exhausted and I went straight to bed...and you know that moment right before you fall asleep and you are warm and drifting off...that's when suddenly I realize that I forgot...and the guilt & panic is so intense that I forgot to say good night to my girl, that no matter how exhausted I am, I can not sleep unless I get up and go to her room to say Good night and say I love & miss you, and kiss her picture. We have not been able to turn out her lights in her room...it's on always. It's almost as if we fear that turning off the lights, is like turning off the memory of her. It's weird but Tom and I never discussed leaving the light on... it's just what we must do. to be continued...
In my minds eyes I see her everywhere... I see her sitting at her desk watching her favorite Disney show Hannah Montana, stenciling in her notebooks. I see her eating her oatmeal and drinking her juice. I see her with a burst of energy running towards her room after she sneaks an extra chocolate milkshake. I hear her sweet cartoon-ish voice saying " Hi Mommy" as she is coming home from school. I see her being annoyed and saying "OK... leave now" when she wants you to leave her room. I see her shopping for her lip gloss and being so happy and saying to me "Thank-you mommy". I hear her calling out " Hey dad" when she wants to tell him something. I see her play fighting with Kari and giggling so hard. I see her calling Momi to come help her. I see her pointing in her cute way when she says "That's right"! I see her bending down gently to kiss me when I'm kneeling before her helping her put her shoes on... and on...and on...and on.... I see her everywhere...I hear her everywhere...I just can't hold her.to be continued...




February 22, 2008One of the most amazing thing about Mariko is that she knew every dialogue, every word to the songs, the laughs, screams, tears, sighs, ect...to her favorite movies. She goes through phases of loving a movie and watching it over and over again. She went through the 'Sound of Music' phase. She knew exactly when at the most tense moment of the movie when the whole family were hiding in the Nunnery, and the exclamation from the oldest daughter when she saw it was Rolf who found them...she made that same gasp at exactly the right moment. When the Von Trapp family where all singing "farewell...so long..." she was the youngest daughter and could sing the song & do the dance perfectly. She knew all the moments from Harry Potter and she was so in love with Ron Wesley and would always say "he's so cute". We always thought she'd go for Harry Potter, but we weren't totally surprised that she chose the one that made her laugh the most. She loved to laugh. She had a teen magazine turned to a big picture of Ron and she would have it open on her bed at all times and stare at it for hours...and even kiss Ron's picture. She was exactly like me, and other girls who had a major crush on some star or singer when we were younger, and would stare & dream about them.
She wanted so much to be like all the other girls. She went through a period when she wanted us to call her Hermione...and if we didn't she'd either roll her eyes and say forcefully "Hermione!"....or she'd ignore you until you called her by her chosen name. There was a point when she was Ashley from Mary Kate & Ashley. Never Mary Kate...we had to call her Ashley. Even though they are twins...she knew exactly which personality she favored. There was a time when the Spice Girls were hot...and she insisted she was Posh. Why Posh? We never knew but she knew exactly what and who she liked. And most recently she loved Hannah Montana from the Disney Channel. But she didn't want to be Hannah...she wanted to be her friend Lily. She saw something in each and every one of these girls that she somehow related too...and knew absolutely everything about them. When some character was mad at another....she was mad at them too. Sometimes when she became that character she would assign you the other parts. Dad was 'Franc' from Father of the Bride...or Billy Ray Cyrus' character in Hannah Montana. I was always the mom character in every single movie she's ever watched. Momi was always the spoiled brat or trouble maker, like the rich girl London in Zach & Cody....hmmmmmmm it fits! hahahaha. Kari was just always the cool girl.
She has always loved movies. It was a happy escape for her partly because she knew she was different and it was an easy escape. And partly because physically she couldn't do what a lot of kids could do. Like I mentioned earlier she was rarely included with "regular" kids because of her disability. Movies made her so happy, and whatever made her happy... we were willing to buy her any movie she wanted. It was such a small expense compared to converse shoes, new clothes, dances, music lessons, cell phones, computers, games, ect... that all kids want.She loved Target because she loved the DVD section, and the makeup, and magazine sections. She loved Claire’s because she loved rings, nail files, jewelry, makeup, and all the girly accessories.
One thing she absolutely did not like is when the power went out because she couldn't watch her DVD's. I remember once when the power went out she was so upset and kept asking daddy to fix her TV. We tried to explain to her that there was nothing wrong with the TV...but that the power was out for a little while. She just couldn't grasp the concept. That's impossible! So she stood at the front door and kept insisting we take her to Target to buy a new TV. We said no Mari...the TV will come on soon. She became so frustrated that she went and put on her own shoes which she rarely did, because it was a little difficult. We kept trying to explain it to her. She grabbed the car keys...and then it became fascinating. We didn't think she could unlock the front door because she has never done that before. She did! Then she proceeded to the van. We just watch...and it was amusing to be honest. We just knew no way would she be able to unlock the van door...she didn't know which key to use. But no...we were wrong! She actually unlocked the van's door. By then we couldn't help it...we were laughing so hard. And finally NO WAY would she be able to start the car. Well guess what...the ENGINE TURNED. Tom shot out the door so fast he was a blur...and he was able to get to her before she possibly drove away!!!!! We learned that day never take her for granted. She knew more than we gave her credit for.to be continued...







February 23, 2008I will forever hate rain storms...I will forever hate power outages. You see there were a series of rain storms & power outages the week before Mariko passed away. She was miserable. We had just purchased a portable DVD player but due to the power outage we could not charge it...until the last day of the outage. I remember I had to drop Mariko and all the kids at the mall at my lunch time from work and they had to hang out at the mall until I got off work because it wasn't good for them to sit at home with no power and Tom & I had to work. By the time I got there Mariko looked so exhausted....and sickly. I was so worried about her. You see she was getting tired a lot since just before Christmas when she was in the hospital. I think deep inside I knew that she was beginning to fail...that her body was beginning to fail. But I wouldn't admit it to myself. I wanted her to pull through like all the other times she was hospitalized...she just needed time. But the power did finally come back on a couple of days before she passed...and she was happy again. God I wish she had more days. God I wish it wasn't raining when she passed...God it was so gloomy as if the Angels were crying knowing this was the end.to be continued...
February 23, 2008 (late evening)I never knew pain so intense on a personal level. Yes, it was painful when we first initially found out about Mariko when she was young. But that turned out to be joy...we had her for 21 years. But the intense pain from such an unimaginable loss was something I have never experienced before. I knew of people that have lost parents...that have loss siblings...never anyone that has lost a child though. I have seen the movies...I have seen the TV show's that have made me sad...but never was it my reality. I have heard of suffering in other ways that touched my heart...but even though it sounded so unbelievable it was still not a first hand experience. I really didn't know this kind of suffering before. I would not wish this on anyone.









I remember hearing the stories my parents use to tell me, and almost fifty years later my mother still cries about it when she repeats the story. My mother is pure Japanese born in Aomori, Japan. She met my dad who is Guamanian when he was stationed in Japan with the US Army after the war. They fell in love not knowing each others language, and shortly thereafter they married. My sister Lou was born in 1956, and she was their first child. My parents were so very young then. After Lou was born in Japan my parents were transferred to Hawaii. Being in the Army my father was ordered on a training mission for a a couple of months. He had met a fellow Guamanian and his family, and asked them to watch out for my mother and sister while he was away. My mother was frightened to be left alone, not really knowing English very well. But my father trusted a fellow Islander to take good care of them. Well it turned into a nightmare...the wife treated my mother like a slave. She made my mom clean their house, watch their children, and never offered to feed her. She even woke my mother up at 4:00am in the morning to iron her own husbands uniform. She constantly treated my mother horribly until....one day this women had a cake and my mom fed some to her children, and had a little herself. The lady blew up at my mom forcing her to run away with baby Lou. But my mom had nowhere else to go. She didn't know the language so she was basically a young mom alone with her baby and barely any money. My mom had remembered when they had first came to Hawaii, and they were looking for a place to live before military housing was assigned...that my dad had taken her to look at an old abandoned hotel next to a pineapple field. My mother out of desperation went there. She saved what little money she had to buy milk for Lou, and she would sneak into the pineapple field and steal pineapples to feed herself...until her lips and mouth were blistered and sore from the acidic fruit. She was so scared, desperate, and alone.. at her wits end. She had decided that if my father didn't come back by the time she ran out of milk for the baby...she had resigned herself to the unthinkable. She would kill her baby, and then herself to end the suffering. How could anyone get to this moment of utter despair. To be honest I have felt that despair so deeply with the loss of my child....my baby. The time had come and she had made up her mind that if my dad did not come for her...they would die the next day. There was no more milk. She went into a despair trance...it's so hard to explain. But in Japanese it's called seppuku...it's the accepting and preparation for death. But my some miracle my father 'had' returned and was desperately searching for them...and he too remembered the abandoned hotel. When he found them it was difficult for my mother to come out of the trance and an almost disbelief that he was really there. This has deeply affected her all her life. The pain is as real today as it was back in 1957.Now I understand the pain it is to be a mother in despair. I will forever be affected by my own loss, as my mother was by her loss of who she was before that horrible time in Hawaii.to be continued...
February 29, 2008I've often wondered why God has both Blessed and Cursed me. He blessed me with this beautiful child who I have loved so intensely...who was the best of who I am. Then turned around and cursed me by taking her away from me while she was so young. Why then if God is a "loving" God...why did he bring her into the world not whole? From birth she was cheated of a normal life. She wasn't physically beautiful in the normal sense. (Everywhere I look I see beautiful people who seem so perfect). She was not bright and smart in the normal sense. (I see all these extremely smart people who's futures are guaranteed). She was so sick all of her life and her future didn't look any better. She was bound to a life of need. (And yet I see people with both beauty and brains who seem to lead such a charmed life). So what was God's purpose? If he had planned to take her away so young anyway...why couldn't she have had a normal life. Why couldn't she be whole. Why couldn't she have a boyfriend. Why couldn't she have the ability to do what others could do. Why couldn't she experience all the joys of life & youth? (Would it have been harder to lose her if she had all the beauty and promise the world had to give). Do people think that because she had so many problems physically and mentally that it's not quite as big of a loss?? My God...it couldn't hurt any worse. This has been and continues to be unbearable...whole or not!













March 1, 2008I find myself feeling very angry lately. I find it difficult to find joy as easily as I use too. When I laugh or when I'm feeling happy one moment...the very next moment I feel sad and very guilty. How could I possibly laugh? How can I possibly be happy? My child is gone! (I find it difficult to say "dead", it's such a horrific word). And what's worse...I am angry at people! I am so sick of the banality of man. I'm sick of hearing about some peoples "issues", their selfishness, their petty conversations, their stale jokes, their trivia, their "so-called" problems & needs. But for every person that pisses me off...I'm much more sick of me! I have failed...my regrets are endless.What's wrong with me????? My kid is dead!! I've heard it all before.. the stages of mourning. The pain, the guilt, the despair, the anger, and then finally the Acceptance & Peace! I guess I haven't gotten to the 'at peace' part yet... let alone the 'acceptance'!! God Help Me!
March 1, 2008 late eveningSorry about my last entry...I was angry at life. Mariko deserves better than this anger I've been carrying around. She was so opposite of hate and anger. She was love, joy, and goodness. Like I said she was the best part of me. It's been almost 2 months since she past away and it seems as if I now measure time based on that day. I have to say that was the worst day of my life. If I had any ideal that the day begun would end like that...I would have done everything, anything to try and stop the inevitable. I would have given my life for my child. I still wake up with nightmares of finding her on the bus that day. I still see her slumped over, I still see her face a deep purple, I still feel & see myself desperately trying to breath life back into my child. I see myself screaming & screaming for help. I see in the face of the bus driver his own shock and disbelief. I see myself yelling out to Momi to call 911. I still feel how those few minutes felt like forever, before the ambulance & fire truck finally drove up. I still see Momi screaming and crying in the doorway. I still see my neighbor Kim trying so hard to calm me and help me. I still see myself frantically trying to call Tom at work. I still see myself trying to call Kari. I still see her legs hanging near the door of the bus where they laid her down to work on her. I still see no oxygen mask on her face as the paramedics work on her. I still see no lights & hear no sirens on the ambulance as they drive away to the hospital. I still see myself trying so hard to not believe what I already knew. She was gone! I didn't get to say goodbye.March 13, 2008All of you 'stop' and take a moment to look at your child...your children! Take a look at you husband...your wife...those you love. Now imagine a day without them...now the rest of your life. It's impossible!!! You can imagine what it would be like...but unless you've lost a loved one it's really impossible. I've lost a child...I've lost Mariko and I still find it unbelievable.But when I look at Kari & Momi...and Tom...it's impossible to imagine life without them. It's impossible even though I'm going through this right now with Mariko. I can't imagine life without the rest of the family. I guess it's too unbelievable...too unfathomable... maybe it's a defense mechanism God gives us to not have to live with dread every day. We instead live with hope in each and every new day.....and yet it happens every day...there's loss everyday with someone in the world. What I'm trying to say I guess is don't take this life for granted. Choose your battles with your children...with your spouse. Is it worth it! Treasure each day with them as if it's the last. I can not sleep without telling my kids and Tom I love them. I kiss each of them. Which isn't really anything new...except now I do it with purpose...with meaning...with care. Yes I do have moments of dread because it's still so real to me. But for Kari, and Momi and Tom...I don't really feel that anything bad could happen to them. But at least I'm living with a greater appreciation of them...and I don't take them for granted.to be continued...
March 14, 2008Today I went to visit Mariko during my lunch hour...I try to go as often as possible. But today was different. I saw Mariko's Headstone for the first time. They must have placed it sometime between yesterday when I was there for lunch and today. I broke down. I can't explain what it's like to see your child's name on a headstone. You just can't possibly prepare to ever see that. Yes...I knew it would be coming soon...yes, we ordered it...but to see this 'marker', this symbol of your child's life on earth was so hard. It's like a hundred years from now someone may be walking by, and would have never known who she was, what she meant to her family. It's so surreal.




The marker is simple. It's says BIEL across the top. Right below in the center is a cross with a peace dove. To the left of the cross it says MARIKO. The next line is her date of birth OCTOBER 7, 1986. The line below is her date of passing JANUARY 8, 2008 (a little over 2 months ago). And the last line says "SHE'S DANCING WITH ANGELS". Because she loved to dance, and that's my hope for her.
The plot is actually a double. It will be Tom's place of rest as well. So the marker will one day show his name on the other side of the cross. The plot also has room for an Urn...which is for me... and my name will also be with Tom & Mariko's on the headstone. So Mariko, Tom, & I will all be together. We did not choose a plot for Kari & Momi...because we expect them to have long lives, with their own families. But we were all Mariko ever had really. So we will be together foreverto be continued....
March 19, 2008There was shocking news at work today. My friend and co-workers daughter just passed away this morning. She was 21 just like Mariko. What we have been told is that she was complaining of chest pains last night. She was a healthy, young woman with her whole life ahead of her...and by the time she was taken by ambulance to the hospital she was gone. She was the only daughter. They also have two sons. Her father my co-worker had to be sedated...she was his daughter and what I heard she was his favorite because she was a daddy's girl.
My heart hurts for them. I can now say I know what they are going through. When I wrote earlier this month that everyone should go hug their kids...little did I know that this would hit so close to home. Someone else lost a beloved child so soon after I lost my child. She was 21 just like Mariko...the only difference was that this child was not disabled...and did not have any known illnesses. What is going on?!?!
The next few days are going to be unbearable and intensely painful for them. There is nothing anyone can say or do at this point to ease their pain. It's the pain of a lost child that never goes away. It may fade somewhat over time...bit it's always there.


I remember just constantly crying for days non stop when Mariko died...and when I was not crying... I was moaning. There was a point when I was in absolute despair, when reality was beginning to set in that she was really gone and she was never coming back. I just sat there and screamed...and screamed...and screamed with all that was in my soul... until there was nothing left in me...until I lost my voice. No one could stop me...no one could help me...no one could reach into the depths of my soul and save me. The pain was indescribable...unfathomable...unbearable...So I cried again this morning...I cried for my friend...I cried for his lost daughter...I cried for all lost children...I cried for Mariko!to be continued...
March 22, 2008I know I walk around with this 'look' ...some may think I'm angry...some may think I can't stand them...but it's not that! I'm sorry to give that impression...I know it's off-putting. I know it makes it difficult for people to approach me. I know it makes it impossible for people to like me this way. But it's really a look of unhappiness. I can't help it! I would like to be happy again honestly...but I lost something when I lost my Mariko. I'm actually very lonely. Yes, I have my family...yes, I have my kids...yes, I have some friends that would absolutely jump if only I asked them. But I can't seem to let anyone in anymore...not really. I see people going on with their lives so happy...laughing...joking...sharing lunch...generally living their lives. But my sadness has set me apart. I long to fit in...but I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't belong anymore. Like I said I go through the motions of my day...but I'm really a shell of who I was. I'm empty without my girl. I'm lost without my girl. I just really want her back.
My whole World revolves around thinking about seeing my girl.. visiting my girl at the cemetery. I just placed a beautiful Angel that I found last night at the Gift Center, on her headstone today. It's so perfect...it's so Mariko. I also bought another beautiful flowering plant to place at her headstone. I live each day thinking about flowers and plants to make my daughters resting place beautiful & perfect for Mariko. It HAS to be perfect. It makes me sad to see wilting flowers at other headstones, and I must not let that happen with Mariko’s.


I know it may sound obsessive...maybe in a few months, years...the obsession will pass. But right now I know I am consumed with taking care of my girl. She's my baby...I can't help it. But oh...it's beautiful there I wish all could see it. But people have their own lives. Right now I know it's just really me, Tom & the kids, and my sister & Uncle Manny that visits Mariko regularly. Lou has left beautiful flower plants there for her. The flowers are all so bright and colorful and like a small spring garden. It's funny but I always think Mariko would love seeing those bright, beautiful flowers. Once I found two bouquets of flowers there and I don't know who left them there. Another time I found two beautiful roses...one red and one yellow. I know it wasn't from me or my sister Lou. It really touched me that someone took the time to come by and see her. I didn't know who those people were...but I figured it was between Mariko and them. Whoever you are...Thank-you for loving Mariko and missing her too! Honestly it was like a present to see something special for her. I will always appreciate that.
March 23,2008Wow it's after midnight...It's Easter Sunday...a time of joy! Our lord Jesus has risen from the dead and is in Heaven. I hope Mariko is up in Heaven sitting with Jesus in celebration. I hope I can celebrate...I hope I can dream of her tonight on the right side of Jesus and he's giving her a big hug. She loved hugs!to be continued...
March 24, 2008This will be short it's 505am and I'm getting ready for work. Yesterday we spent some time with Mariko just laying on the grass it was a beautiful, gorgeous Easter Sunday. I just wanted to say Thank-you to whoever left that tiny angel on Mari's headstone. It was such a sweet surprise.to be continued...










March 26, 2008Today I went to the funeral of my friends daughter. I thought I was going to be ok...but it brought back the intense pain I felt and continue to feel for Mariko. I saw the mom crying, shaking, and saying all these painful words. I saw the utter despair in the father as he tried so hard to hold back his tears.. and knew he could not. I heard the sobs from all their loved ones and friends. I cried again... and thank God my friend was there to hold me up because I felt like I would pass out. I felt that same sinking, claustrophobic feeling that I would be swallowed up, and I couldn't breath. I wanted to scream...but instead I turned and walked away. I also saw another friend who had lost her brother last year trying to hold it all together herself. It's so impossible. It felt like just yesterday for me...and I know by the look in her face that it was still painful for her as well. So I left the family to mourn for their loss...and my heart goes out to them
Standing there I knew I was mourning for my own daughter. And my other friend was mourning for her brother. And who knows how many others were mourning their own loss again. This family will always mourn for their daughter. We can't help it...we miss them so! Life is so short. Life is so precious. Life is beautiful. to be continued...