"JANUARY 1, 2009"Just one year ago today...little did I know on 'that' day... what would shortly unfold, that would have a profound effect on my entire view of this life. I knew that with 2008 there would be daily life...routine...work...and life with Tom, Mariko, Kari, & Momi. There would be good days...some bad days...lot's of laugher, love, arguments, bills, frustrations, tears, embarrassment, joy, pain, worry, smiles, hugs, ect... This is Life! But never, never, ever in my thoughts would I have imagined on that day...that in just 7 days my precious girl Mariko would die !
2008 will forever be burned in my mind as the worst year in my life...I was slapped in the face with the ultimate awakening to the fragility of life. The worst imagining has happened to me...my child died and I now know unimaginable pain. And somehow I lived through it... how is that possible?
As I stood there watching the countdown on the TV as the clock counted down the last minute of 2008...I felt a welling up in my heart that was unstoppable... I wanted this horrible year to be over. I longed for it to be over...but at the same time I wanted a "do over". I wanted it to be the countdown to 2008 again, and to have Mariko back. I wanted her not to die, and to have 2008 with her here. And if it was unchangeable (as it is)...I then wanted to have done more with her that last week. I want to be able to sit with her and look at every single page of that Harry Potter Calendar with her. I want to hold her more & tell her I love her more. I want to.. on that day before she died & she came up to me in tears saying she was tired... to not only hug her, but to have sat with her comforting her longer and not letting go of her. I want to be able to go back on that day & pick her up at school... and not to have found her on that bus. I want to know with certainty that she did not suffer. I want to have been able to be there for her to say Goodbye, and I LOVE YOU with all my heart Mariko...(I didn't want her to die 'alone' on that bus seat).
....10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...2009! I cried...because there are no such things as a do-over in life. No matter how much I willed it...it was what it was. Tom held me tight with the same understanding of the unspeakable pain we together have had to endured. He is my strength. I cried with the utter sorrow of loss, while all around me there was loud music, laughter & cheers, to drown out the sounds of my screaming sobs.
So now I have to face 2009 with some hope...that I will do it better and live with no regrets. To tell Tom, Kari & Momi that I love them...more. To let my hugs linger. To talk to them more even when I'm tired. To truly be interested in how they feel...what they are thinking. To not take them for granted. To let the small stuff go. To speak with them with respect, understanding...and with my heart. To more gently push and encourage them. To understand that when they are being annoying, or frustrating me, or angry, or disrespectful...that they must be hurting inside somehow...and not to react poorly & in anger. To listen with an open heart & mind....and hopefully with some wisdom.
I do not know what 2009 will hold for me...I just have to hope that God...will not give me more than I can handle. I hope more than anything that I paid the price for all the wrongs, slights, anger, selfishness, pettiness, & hate that I put out there in this World...and that Kari & Momi in turn will be blessed!to be continued...
January 8, 2000 one year ago today!Today is exactly 1 year since Mariko passed away... and it still feel's like yesterday. The pain is as real today as it was that rainy Tuesday at 2:45pm. I have tried to write about that day and the weeks prior to the funeral before but was unable to get through it...I will try again today because it is still all part of Mariko's Life...and death. Maybe if I can get through this the nightmares would end.
Momi was home sick that day and I took her to the doctor. We got home around 2pm. I could have picked up Mariko, but I guess my thinking was that it was her first day back at school, so I should try to get her back on track. (My biggest regret... but then I think how would I have dealt with her dying in my arms? Could I have saved her? Could I have done anything to change it? Would it have been worse to see your child die and not be able to stop it?) Instead I waited for the bus...it pulled up and I rushed out to get her off the bus like I always did. I said hi to the driver...and looked back. There was only one other kid sitting in the front seat. Mariko is so tiny but I can usually spot her tiny head peeking up...but that day I didn't she her at all. So I called her name and there was no response, and I figured she was sleeping because she's been so weak lately, and because of the Holiday & back to waking up early and spending a full day at school. I stepped towards the back. She was on the left about 2 seats from the back of the tiny yellow bus. She was slumped over and her head was at such an odd angle against the seat right in front of her. Her face was a deep purple. I KNEW. I screamed her name over & over as I lifted her back onto her seat and lefted her face. Mariko...Mariko...MARIKO.... I started breathing into her mouth...crying Mariko please wake up...Mariko....Mariko....
I screamed at the driver to call 911...he was on his radio...I tried to remove her constricting jacket that was zipped all the way up...hopeing that it will help her breath.. As I continued to scream...cry...breath....I heard the air I was breathing into her...that hollow sound...just pass through her. (That sound haunts me to this day). No cough from my baby...no movement....just this limp tiny body...so heavy. My God...My God....I started screaming for Momi to call 911...screaming so loud out the window. The driver was in shock...he was fighting back tears. The moments seemed to last forever...Momi was screaming...screaming by now...trying to call 911. My neighbor Kim was somehow there. Finally...the sirens at a distance... I smelled that scent I will never forget....her bowel let go.
The medic came on that bus...he was trying to calm me. I was hysterical. I pleaded with them to save her. I begged... I screamed with all my soul for someone to save her. I called to God... The medics/ fighfighters asked me to leave the bus so that they can work on her. I reluctantly moved and more medics climbed on. I was trying to reach her doctor...I was trying to call Tom...I kept re-dialing because my fingers would not work...I couldn't think...see... Between my sobs and holding Momi and looking back at the bus. Finally Kym my neighbor calmly talked to me and I was able to give her Toms number. I saw that they had moved her by the door of the bus...her tiny leg was dangling from the top step. There was no rushing around of people...they were just talking gathered around her. I just kept looking at her tiny leg. Kym my neighbor went to talk to them ...but they only told her they were doing the best they can. They finally had her on the stretcher. There were no tubes in her throat to push air...there was no sirens as they pulled away. I KNEW.
They told me to go to Seton Emergency. I had to wait for Kari. Kym tried to call her next...but then Sandy (Ariel's mom) just pulled up with Kari just as the ambulance was getting ready to pull away. They all tried to calm me. I said I needed to go to Emergency. Kari was in shock...unable to believe what was going on. She didn't know what I already knew. She figured Mariko will have to stay in the Hospital again. My neighbor Kym & Sandy wanted to drive me. I told them to just call Tom. I didn't want nobody to drive me, because I felt they wouldn't get there as fast as I could. I grabbed my girls and just took off.The Emergency Room...to be continued..
January 10, 2009Somehow I made it to the Emergency Room with Kari & Momi...I'm not sure how because all I remember was trying to drive through my tears...and debilitating fear. It was raining harder by then and the late afternoon was so dark and gloomy. (Surely the Heavens were crying...how could it be otherwise with the death of such an innocent as she?)
I circled the emergency parking lot twice and cursed God...and finally just parked right in front of the door and ran in with the girls. The person at the door told me don't worry about it. They saw the terror in my face I guess. I ran to security doors by the waiting room trying to get in to my baby...they were expecting me. Someone quickly opened the door and directed me into a tiny waiting area and told us to wait for the doctor. I Knew...I knew...but I thought maybe a miracle...maybe they could bring her back. I kept trying to reassure the girls...but I don't remember want exactly was said. I kept peeking out the door to the rooms wanting to get a glimpse of my girl...to hear her crying...anything. It was strangely quiet in that emergency room.
I tried to maintain my composure willing myself not to run from room to room screaming her name.
But it didn't take long .... A woman doctor and a male doctor both came into the waiting room. I Knew...I didn't want to hear it...no, no.. No...!!! The woman spoke first..."I'm sorry to tell you.. " I collapse to the floor.Crying...moaning...hysterical...my GOD... I grabbed and held Kari & Momi. They were both crying....screaming... I had to see for myself...I needed to see my baby. I started to follow them holding Momi who had totally lost it. Kari through her tears could not move...she could not see her sister that way... dead. She was terrified. I knew this...it would have destroyed her. I told her it was ok. Mariko was in the first room to the left...I walked in shaking uncontrollably holding Momi tight. As soon as I saw Mariko I ran to her and screamed holding her with all my might. Momi collapsed on the floor screaming. Mari had the tube in her mouth...but she looked like she was sleeping. "Mari...Mariko...it's mommy...I'm so sorry Mariko...I'm so sorry"....I kept repeating that over & over again. (I'm so sorry that you were not born whole...that you had a hard life of doctors...pain...being stared at...being different...not having a boyfriend like you wanted...not getting married one day...not having a baby...All of it! That you had to die before me!)I'm so sorry baby!
Doctor Zaglin her life long doctor & his nurse Tammy & Melissa came soon after. Tammy & Melissa were crying. They all tried to comfort me. My sister Lou who loved her so much...came in and collapse crying. I went to her and picked her up & we held each other. (My sister Lou was like a second mom to Mariko. She was there from the beginning so loving & caring when it came to Mariko. She always genuinely cared about Mariko, and would always spend time having long meaningful conversations with her. Together we both care for & maintain her little garden at her gravesite). My sister along with Tom have always been my strengh.
Then it hit me!!! Tom was on his way. He didn't know! He would think she was just sick...she's been to the emergency room so many times in her short lifetime. Oh my God...Oh my God...This was going to destroy him.
He came rushing into the room...he seemed OK. Then he saw her. He saw me...he couldn't grasp it. It took a moment...to hit him and he kept saying what? what? His expression changed as he comprehended the impossible...The look on his face broke my heart. He too broke down. Together we held each other & our precious baby. I'm not sure how long we stayed. It was through the night. They removed the tube in her mouth. We talked to Mariko for the last time...telling her how much we loved her. We held her for the last time. Lou got a pair of scissors and cut off a lock of her hair for us. (I have placed a little in tiny silver prayer boxes that we can wear around our necks, close to our hearts). Tom kept Mariko's tiny tennis shoes that she wore. Dr Zaglin assured me they would not do an autopsy due to her medical history...which was a great relief. The thought of an autopsy would have terribly haunted me. It was so hard to leave that night. It was so hard to physically leave her side. It was hard to leave her alone for the first time in her 21 years with us. We never left her completely alone. How do you leave your baby's side...she would be cold & lonely without us? The thought torn me apart.the next week before the funeral...to be continued...
Friday, January 16, 2009
Part 7
December 20, 2008 Last night at the Boys & Girls club show the band was Great. They were confident, their set was tight, and they sounded so great. They have come such a long way since they first got their drummer and set out to get serious. It's actually been a whirlwind. My weekends have been have been about the band ...and getting ready for their shows. I know for a fact that with my pushing, encouragement, support, and absolute belief in them...has gotten them to this point. I know ALL other parents are surprised, & amazed by the transformation. Some of them have only heard them for the first time when they played at Slims. I know these parents are so proud of their kids. But I'm the one who 'knows' what they have gone through to get to this point, because I have been there from the beginning. I've allowed my home to be the practice space...Tom has fed them meals on every practice session & more...I've driven them and instruments on so many occasions...I've set schedules...I've fixed hair & makeup...I've had long honest conversations with them, and have spoken too and written to the interested parties. I've encouraged them, I've given my opinions, and we've had some disagreements. But all in all it's been a positive, FUN, and loving experience. They know I love them. They know I believe in them...and they absolutely know that I am on their side!
We have gotten through their first show at SLIMS...and a few days later The Boys & Girls Club. Now it's time for a little break until we get through the Holidays. But I am in a quandary now because of something that has changed... somewhat. To be absolutely honest...one of the band members is not happy with my involvement. I'm taking away the 'Fun'. And what makes it worse is that they have brought in parents that obviously love their child, & therefore are hearing only one side of the story. All the other members appreciate my support and have expressed it in so many ways, and know that they wouldn't have gotten so far so fast without my support. I've spoken to them and they want me to keep going and be there for them. So what do I do? Should I step back NOW? They are in a momentum and to stop now is too fizzle...when they really should be pushing harder...moving forward. But since I've been with them from the beginning.. I don't want to get pissed off with interference, and having to tiptoe around how I do things. I feel yes I can be hard and pushy...I absolutely insist on practice when it is scheduled because it's my time & my home & they agreed on the practice time & date...even when they don't feel like it. Also, yes I get angry with them when they are being foolish and make bad choices, or are being annoying, or being a pain in the ass...but what parent doesn't. I love them like I love my children...but you try dealing with a whole bunch of teens every weekend and see how happy you are at everything they do. There is a lot of foolishness & yes stupidity that goes on. But don't get me wrong...they also have a shitload of fun 'after' practice...because you would never believe the amount of laughter & loudness, & zaniness there is in my house. I don't think a lot of other parents will allow or accepts what goes on in my house week after week...and this was going on long before the band stuff. So WTF! If it isn't fun they wouldn't keep coming over.
I know for a fact (because this one member said so in one of our band meetings) that they only want to do this if it's fun...and if it's work then it's not fun. Which I then said...It may 'only' be for fun to you...but there are others who are taking it more seriously, and wants to go somewhere with this experience. This is what a couple of them for sure what for their future...and that's why they don't mind working so hard. They want to go as far as they can and see what happens.
So on my previous blog I spoke about Honesty...I'm going to be brutally honest. Quit if you don't think it's fun...but you'd be wrong! Because every success they've had at both Slims & The Boys & Girls Club is due to hard work plus fun. You can't get to where you are right now without BOTH. And you won't move further without continued hard work & fun.
December 21, 2008The worst part of losing Mariko...is that I have no decent pictures of all of us together...of how she was with all of us together. I have pictures with all of us when they were younger. But no recent pics before she passed away which saddens me to no end. So even though the kids (and my own insecurities), hate to take family pictures ..I now try to take a lot more pictures, because I don't want that regret of wishing I had not missed out on documenting the togetherness & love we share. All I have is photoshop, and the pictures in my mind of us together. Nothing more tangible of Mariko with all of us.
The photo opportunities were always there because we were so close...but we never pulled out the damn camera and asked someone to take a decent picture. It's so easy now a day with camera phones...digital cameras... And I'm not talking about the pictures young people like to take with their friends (that's easy) being goofy with friends. And not just taking pictures of the kids only...or just a couple that happen to be sitting close together. I'm talking about photos of those that love you the most ALL together...the Family.
Don't regret...start taking those pictures even if you don't feel like it! Because a picture truly is a recording of history...together!
December 23, 2008So tomorrow's Christmas Eve...it doesn't even "feel" like Christmas. I haven't been able to get into the "spirit" of Christmas. I've just been feeling tired physically & emotionally. I guess it doesn't help that I've been working non-stop and it's been extremely busy at work. Yes I have to work Christmas eve and the day after Christmas which doesn't help. I don't have time to concentrate or relax to even feel anything. Plus all that I invested into the band and their shows. I guess it's catching up with me. Thank goodness that I did most of my Christmas shopping on line for the kids. I've avoided that whole mall scene for the most part. Mainly I'm waiting for it to be over. I'm so behind in doctors appointments, bills, house cleaning, ect.. I'm even late in sending out some presents to family that life far away. I just feel like there isn't any time in the day. I just hope people understand.
Kari & Momi finally decorated today the small Christmas tree we got this year. Usually I'd be right with them like weeks ago...playing Christmas Carols & laughing & talking about each ornament with the girls & decorating the tree. But I can barely look at the decorations and the yearly Santa Claus pictures we've taken with the girls over the years. This year Mariko was not here...so no new Santa pictures. 2008...the first Christmas without Mariko. to be continued...
December 26, 2008Well Christmas came & went...it was sad. (But hopefully not for the girls...Tom & I really tried to make it good for them). I know people expect me to be better by now. It's hard to explain because unless you lose a child you can never...never understand. People want me to be happy...and I do try my best to appear happy. I keep busy in order to distract me from the pain I feel every single day! I wake up every morning and feel that dread in the pit of my stomach when I again realize that she is really gone. Day after day I gasp in despair, and take a long, deep breath and try to keep going. It's like sleep is the only time I am not completely aware that she is gone. All waking moments I know
the reality of her absence...and somehow I live.
People want me to get help...they worry about me...they want me to be OK. But in order to be "happy" I need to let go of her. How do I let go of my child? The only way is to forget...but I don't want to forget her. I want to hear her voice, I want to hold her again...I want to brush her hair.. Every night I go into her room and kiss her picture and pick up this little soft hat & tiny mittens she wore right before she passed away... I bring that little soft hat & mittens to my nose and inhale deeply, willing myself to believe that it holds the scent of my child.Yeah...I believe I need help. But not yet. I can't let go just yet.to be continued...
We have gotten through their first show at SLIMS...and a few days later The Boys & Girls Club. Now it's time for a little break until we get through the Holidays. But I am in a quandary now because of something that has changed... somewhat. To be absolutely honest...one of the band members is not happy with my involvement. I'm taking away the 'Fun'. And what makes it worse is that they have brought in parents that obviously love their child, & therefore are hearing only one side of the story. All the other members appreciate my support and have expressed it in so many ways, and know that they wouldn't have gotten so far so fast without my support. I've spoken to them and they want me to keep going and be there for them. So what do I do? Should I step back NOW? They are in a momentum and to stop now is too fizzle...when they really should be pushing harder...moving forward. But since I've been with them from the beginning.. I don't want to get pissed off with interference, and having to tiptoe around how I do things. I feel yes I can be hard and pushy...I absolutely insist on practice when it is scheduled because it's my time & my home & they agreed on the practice time & date...even when they don't feel like it. Also, yes I get angry with them when they are being foolish and make bad choices, or are being annoying, or being a pain in the ass...but what parent doesn't. I love them like I love my children...but you try dealing with a whole bunch of teens every weekend and see how happy you are at everything they do. There is a lot of foolishness & yes stupidity that goes on. But don't get me wrong...they also have a shitload of fun 'after' practice...because you would never believe the amount of laughter & loudness, & zaniness there is in my house. I don't think a lot of other parents will allow or accepts what goes on in my house week after week...and this was going on long before the band stuff. So WTF! If it isn't fun they wouldn't keep coming over.
I know for a fact (because this one member said so in one of our band meetings) that they only want to do this if it's fun...and if it's work then it's not fun. Which I then said...It may 'only' be for fun to you...but there are others who are taking it more seriously, and wants to go somewhere with this experience. This is what a couple of them for sure what for their future...and that's why they don't mind working so hard. They want to go as far as they can and see what happens.
So on my previous blog I spoke about Honesty...I'm going to be brutally honest. Quit if you don't think it's fun...but you'd be wrong! Because every success they've had at both Slims & The Boys & Girls Club is due to hard work plus fun. You can't get to where you are right now without BOTH. And you won't move further without continued hard work & fun.
December 21, 2008The worst part of losing Mariko...is that I have no decent pictures of all of us together...of how she was with all of us together. I have pictures with all of us when they were younger. But no recent pics before she passed away which saddens me to no end. So even though the kids (and my own insecurities), hate to take family pictures ..I now try to take a lot more pictures, because I don't want that regret of wishing I had not missed out on documenting the togetherness & love we share. All I have is photoshop, and the pictures in my mind of us together. Nothing more tangible of Mariko with all of us.
The photo opportunities were always there because we were so close...but we never pulled out the damn camera and asked someone to take a decent picture. It's so easy now a day with camera phones...digital cameras... And I'm not talking about the pictures young people like to take with their friends (that's easy) being goofy with friends. And not just taking pictures of the kids only...or just a couple that happen to be sitting close together. I'm talking about photos of those that love you the most ALL together...the Family.
Don't regret...start taking those pictures even if you don't feel like it! Because a picture truly is a recording of history...together!
December 23, 2008So tomorrow's Christmas Eve...it doesn't even "feel" like Christmas. I haven't been able to get into the "spirit" of Christmas. I've just been feeling tired physically & emotionally. I guess it doesn't help that I've been working non-stop and it's been extremely busy at work. Yes I have to work Christmas eve and the day after Christmas which doesn't help. I don't have time to concentrate or relax to even feel anything. Plus all that I invested into the band and their shows. I guess it's catching up with me. Thank goodness that I did most of my Christmas shopping on line for the kids. I've avoided that whole mall scene for the most part. Mainly I'm waiting for it to be over. I'm so behind in doctors appointments, bills, house cleaning, ect.. I'm even late in sending out some presents to family that life far away. I just feel like there isn't any time in the day. I just hope people understand.
Kari & Momi finally decorated today the small Christmas tree we got this year. Usually I'd be right with them like weeks ago...playing Christmas Carols & laughing & talking about each ornament with the girls & decorating the tree. But I can barely look at the decorations and the yearly Santa Claus pictures we've taken with the girls over the years. This year Mariko was not here...so no new Santa pictures. 2008...the first Christmas without Mariko. to be continued...
December 26, 2008Well Christmas came & went...it was sad. (But hopefully not for the girls...Tom & I really tried to make it good for them). I know people expect me to be better by now. It's hard to explain because unless you lose a child you can never...never understand. People want me to be happy...and I do try my best to appear happy. I keep busy in order to distract me from the pain I feel every single day! I wake up every morning and feel that dread in the pit of my stomach when I again realize that she is really gone. Day after day I gasp in despair, and take a long, deep breath and try to keep going. It's like sleep is the only time I am not completely aware that she is gone. All waking moments I know
the reality of her absence...and somehow I live.
People want me to get help...they worry about me...they want me to be OK. But in order to be "happy" I need to let go of her. How do I let go of my child? The only way is to forget...but I don't want to forget her. I want to hear her voice, I want to hold her again...I want to brush her hair.. Every night I go into her room and kiss her picture and pick up this little soft hat & tiny mittens she wore right before she passed away... I bring that little soft hat & mittens to my nose and inhale deeply, willing myself to believe that it holds the scent of my child.Yeah...I believe I need help. But not yet. I can't let go just yet.to be continued...
Part 6
Sept. 18, 2008I was talking through messages with my friend Kris...and she said something that really spoke to how I was really feeling. I never thought about it myself...but her writing it down really opened my eyes to how I am feeling right now about losing my daughter Mariko. She said that people have probably stopped talking about her or mentioning her around me...and that's so true! In the beginning I heard almost daily from people about Mariko...and I cried a lot at the mention of kind words, thoughts, memories that they shared with me. So I think people just stopped because they felt it was hurting me too much. But what they don't understand is that 'not' hearing anything is really hurting me worse right now...because it's like she's disappearing. She's forgotten. It's only been a little over 8 months ago that she lived, breathed, laughed, cried...walked on this Earth, and I think people have already forgotten that I have three daughters...not two! I know you all care, and my expectations may not be fair because after all Life goes on.
I guess what I fear most of all is that she will disappear from 'my' memories. Not just the remembering of daily life with her...but the smell of her hair, the sound of her voice, her laugh & giggles, the way she spoke, the way she said mommy, the crinkle in her nose, the way she crossed her arms around herself when she was upset, touching my nose with her tiny fingers, the feel of her warm hugs, & her tiny hand in mine. Day by day I struggle to keep her alive in my mind.I just don't want her to disappear!..to be continued...
Sept. 29, 2008I have recently been giving a lot of my attention & time to Kari's Band (The Candy Bombardiers). Kari is a senior now and I really wanted to help her focus her attention on her music, and if it doesn't work out then help her to find what she really wants to do with her future. So I have been pushing the kids to practice, write lyrics & music, and record. I even let them practice at my house every Saturday from 12 noon until midnight or so. I help drive, pickup the drums, feed them, buy the accessories (microphone, drum key, ect ..), whatever they need. They have really stepped up and have really been getting into the music. I even suggested & helped them find a drummer who is working out 'perfectly'. They have put their recorded songs on their Music Myspace page...and soon they will have enough songs recorded for a CD. The next step is 'gigs'. But they need to work on getting their song sets together. I have even made each of them a binder for their songs. All this I do in hopes that they get somewhere with their music. If they don't try...then they'll never know. I don't expect them to be famous...but to get to a point where they can make some money playing gigs locally would be great. One success is all they need while they are young...to hopefully show them they can do anything if they work hard and give it their all.
I'm constantly listening to their sound...I offer suggestions and sometimes they listen and sometimes they don't. But that's cool because it's their music! But there is one thing I know that would make them so much better. That will improve greatly their sound and perhaps get more people to like them. But it's an impossibility, a roadblock that can't be addressed or remedied. It's to do with one area of the band...that if mentioned would destroy friendships and bonds. So we turn a blind eye (ear) to the problem ...and hope for the best. Hoping that the problem area will be realized in a way that no one gets hurt, and keep them moving forward. No wonder a band breaks up or someone quits...instead of accepting what everyone else sees as the problem and working it out... they live with it or break up. My God I want them to succeed and selfishly for Kari's sake...for all of their sakes. But we just can't go THERE! We can't break hearts.to be continued....
October 7, 2008 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIKO!Today would have been Mariko's 22nd birthday. Just one year ago today Mariko was so happy. We took her to the Mall and she had her hair done at Ulta Saloon. We had a Mall party for her and she shopped for all the things she wanted...clothes, makeup, dvd's, jewelry & accessories. She looked very beautiful and she was HAPPY. Today she wasn't here anymore!
I picked up the girls from school around noon. We packed up the new plants, flowers, and decorations for her grave-site. We picked up lunch and cake. We got to the cemetery and unloaded the car...filled up the watering container...we opened up the blanket and had our lunch. Tom put in the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus movie that Mariko was looking forward too seeing once it came out...into the DVD player. We played it for her facing her headstone. I started removing the older flowers & plants and rearranging the newer ones. I had bought a bunch of pretty butterflies at the fog fest that were on wires, and placed them among her flowers. (This is the first Fog Fest she missed in 19 years...she loved the parade). She loved owls (like Harry Potters owl)...so I found a small one on a wire and placed it in the ground. I rearranged her Angels...and made room for the brand new beautiful Angel that's holding a blue butterfly. I also set up the pink butterfly balloon...the same exact one that she recv'd for her 21st birthday. We sat and quietly spoke...Kari & Momi walked around a bit...we took short naps under the warm sun. And we All Missed Mariko so much. Tom & I cried and held each other.
When I came home I slipped into sleep...to that quiet place away from reality for a little while.. Happy Birthday Mariko...I hope you had a beautiful birthday in Heaven.to be continued...
October 11, 2008I live my life for my Kids & Tom!!! Every thing I do...every thing I think...every move I make... it's always with my children & Tom in my mind & heart. They always have and always will take priority over anyone or anything. My love for them is so intense ...and that intensity has only magnified since I've felt the unbearable loss of Mariko.
I've lived through this loss only because of the need to protect & provide the best possible life for those that remain. The reality of losing Mariko has only made me more aware of how precious Life is...and how short our time in this life really is. I have been slapped in the face with Mortality...and the reality (& fear) of the fragility of Life.
I ...nor any living human being can change the fact of life & death. We can only do the best we can to appreciate the life we were given. To love, to live, to forgive, to go on, & to remember. I would not be the person I am without Mariko...and I will spend the rest of my life trying to live the life she was not given (although it's not the same without her). I will try to laugh more, sing more, dance more, love life more...because these were the things Mariko never took for granted. She loved her life...(such as it was with so many limitations). So who the hell am I to hate what she loved.
So that's why I open up my home to so many teens ...who are all friends in my kids lives...because I want to be around children laughing, singing, squealing, sharing, & LIVING. It is the sound of Joy & happiness & some foolishness...but it's so alive! Sometimes I don't get why other parents don't do the same. How they don't enjoy the 'noise'? Maybe it's the mess (but amazingly the kids like to pitch in together to do a quick pickup), maybe it's the cost of feeding a bunch of teens (somehow we manage).
All I know is if the teens like coming to my house then I must be doing something right. There's no drugs, no sex, no underage drinking...just the 'natural' high & energy that comes from being young. These teens bring pure Joy into our lives...and one day when my kids & all their friends are grown and out on their own...I know it will be a little sad & quiet in my house. But I hope they will always remember that we treated them with the utmost respect, love & trust...and that Casa Biel was a nice place away from home & to remember us fondly. And hopefully they all grow up to treat others with kindness & respect with open minds & heart as well. Maybe they'll look back and say that our home was a part of their Wonder Years too! I truly love all of you teens. Thanks for coming by and bringing "Life" into a home that really needed it...and thanks for remembering, loving & missing Mariko too.to be continued...
October 13, 2008Today was Columbus Day...I Had to Work!Got up at 0430...barely made it to work on time...didn't feel good in the clothes I chose to wear. So ended up feeling uncomfortable all day. Worked hard pushing papers here ...pushing papers there. Oh yeah ...yesterday finally got around to balancing the check book after like putting it off for a couple of months and realized 'Sh*t' ..money is tight! So at lunch I planned to mail a couple of bills 'priority' since I'm almost late. Got to the post office by my work and realized 'Fu*k ..it's a Holiday and it's closed. So I think the post office by the Airport is 24/7 so I drive there...'Fu*k' it's closed too! So that was a waste of time and effort. Finished up my day at work and rushed to see Mariko...got stuck waiting for a long funeral procession and thought again what a horrible year. Just before I left work Tom called to say he was using the weed whacker in the front yard and it caught a rock and cracked the big front window. He asked did I want to hear the sound of the window cracking as it spread. "NO"! Shit! Finally got home and found out that our front window is double paned so we had a backup window...as Tom cleaned out the broken glass. Spoke to Momi about a school issue only to have it thrown back at me with attitude...here I am the parent and my kid feels it's OK to basically get mad at me for questioning her issues. Surprisingly although it was basically a crappy day... I didn't lose it (a couple of cuss words to myself )..., or cry... or get angry (well maybe a little at Momi ...not for the issue but for the way she was speaking to me). But all in all...I'm pretty calm.
Because after all How Bad Can it Be? Nothing could ever be as bad as that day January 8, 2008...the last time I held Mariko as I said goodbye.
So to all of you having a bad day...remember Life sucks sometimes, and sometimes a lot of shit comes at you at one time. But "most" things & situations are fixable & forgotten in a couple of days. Don't drown in the misery. Let it out if you must...bitch about it.... but always remember things could be a lot worse! So be grateful that it's not. to be continued...
October 24, 2009God the past week just flew by. Sometimes I think days, weeks, months just flies by...flies by so fast pulling me quickly towards the end. The end of what...this life! I know that sounds morbid. But I see it in my face...I feel it in my bones...I know it in my soul. I remember when I was young playing in the woods, building forts, catching frogs, and dragonflies, & bees... The day's lasted so long. I remember the times riding in my parents Ford...and thinking I can't wait till I grew up and I could drive and have my elbow on the side and how cool I would be. I remember hanging with my friends, wondering what I would be when I grew up. I remember playing marbles and wishing I had money to buy more 'cats eyes', because I was never good enough to win them myself. I remember Christmas and being so excited about all the packages and counting how many were mine...and in what order I wanted to open them
But 50 years have flown by and all I feel is 'weariness' . I'm tired of waking up every morning at 430am and working a full day, I'm tired of paying bills and worrying about them. I'm tired of going grocery shopping & planning dinner.... and I'm sure as hell tired of having to color the gray in my hair every 6 weeks or so. But the worst is living yet another day without Mariko.
Have you ever longed for something so bad...that it becomes an obsession. Have you longed for someone to love you...have you longed to go somewhere that you've only dreamed of...have you longed to meet your idol whether an actor, musician, whoever...have you longed for money to get whatever you could ever want or need whether it's a home, cars, clothes, jewelry, travel. ..have you longed for your dreams to come true... I long for my child.
I know that the only thing that keeps me going is the love I have for my kids & Tom. I live to try to make their life as happy as possible. I want my kids to look back on their lives and always know without a doubt that they had a good life. I don't want to regret that I didn't do enough within my means to make them happy. Sometimes I know they don't understand when I push them...but maybe one day they will. I try to let them know how much I love them and how proud I am of them everyday.
Last week October 18th was Tom's birthday and the kids went all out for him. Greg dressed up like a character in Blue Velvet and acted like him by singing IN Dreams, then they all went out to the deck and played a punk version of the song. Greg then dressed up like Bob Dylan singing Tangled up in Blue. Kari & The Band then played their music, and Momi sang a Beach Boys song "And then I kissed her" for her dad. Kari spent a lot of times making a special mix CD for her dad with favorite lines from movies he likes with music thrown in. It was a Great birthday.
October 20th was my mom's birthday and I called her...I am so sad to be so far away from my parents. I worry & miss them so. I feel so helpless that I am unable to help them with my dad's failing health and the stress my mom has to endure. I thank God my brother is there to help them...but my guilt is overwhelming that he sacrificed his own life to take care of them.
Let me end in a more positive note. Kari's band the Candy Bombardiers received a message on their music myspace page from a promoter interested in putting them in a show in December. Turns out the show is on December 14th at SLIMS! It's an amazing opportunity and the winner will win 16 hours of free studio time. Plus when they are older they can look back when they were 17 and say they played at SLIMS. It's a famous venue and it's owned by Boz Scaggs and many famous bands have played there. The following week they have their own holiday gig at the Pacifica Boy's & Girls club. They are doing great. Who knows where this will lead? Maybe it'll lead to something bigger for them...or one or two of them in the future. Or maybe it will just be a beautiful memory. Where I had marbles & forts...they played music!to be continued...
November 2, 2008Wow...it's been an interesting week. It really started badly...Momi had a meltdown on Monday. We were really worried about her. She has been going through so much since her sister passed away. She's this emotional roller-coaster and we are on for the ride. She's been so angry...I don't even think she realizes what she is doing or saying half the time. She's just so agitated. She blows up at almost everything...which is putting a strain on the family because we are so on edge at times wondering what she is up too, or what she will do. It also doesn't help that it's been a hell of a year and the last thing any of us can handle is living with the fear of something bad happening to Momi. We love her so much but maybe that's not enough.
She needs more and in our own grief we neglected to recognize the profound effect this loss has been on her. She is so young and she has experienced death...that it's a reality...and that it hit so close to home. Most of us live well into middle age before we are touched by death of a loved one...especially death within the immediate family. Momi was only 12 when her big sister died.. I have to remember that if it's so painful for me at 50...what the impact must be for such a young child.
I believe that she is trying to get the most out of life and to hell with the consequences at time. Her grades are failing...her selfishness is manifested...her anger is intense. All this I think is somewhere deep in her subconscious that she must do what she wants NOW...because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I also believe that most of the year Tom & I have been living with our own grief and everything centers around our thoughts of Mariko...only recently have we been also dedicating our attention towards Kari and her band, who are actually getting somewhere and doing great things at the moment. It's exciting. While Momi is at a standstill...just hanging with friends. So I believe a lot of it is the need for attention whether it be 'negative' attention...it's Attention. Don't get me wrong most of the time she is her sweet, normal loving self...but moments of disagreements end in a lot of emotion & hurtful words. Yes...a lot of this may be normal teenage angst...something we didn't experience with Mariko or Kari...but I believe it does go beyond to deeper pain.
So Tom and I have had many a discussion and we both are working on getting Momi back on track with school...and getting her into some activity that she is interested in. So she mentioned kick boxing & she's trying it out...and other interest that might make her feel good about her accomplishments. She is a beautiful, sweet, sensitive, bright, happy & a very loving young girl...who's just a little lost at times. Tom & I agreed that we need to pay attention to her, and reason with her, and help her in any way we can. She just needs a little more patience, attention, and love. What all of us could use from time to time...especially a very young teen who lost her sister just 10 months ago.to be continued...
November 2, 2008After just reading what I wrote about Momi...I thought some of you might be wondering about Kari. If you know anything about Kari...you know that she has never, or will ever wear her feelings on her sleeve. In other words she doesn't outwardly show deep, sad, emotional feelings to a lot of people. She has always been quiet in the sense that she never opens up to just anyone. She doesn't trust easily...but once she lets you in you are basically a friend for life. She is what I almost like to call...a "watcher". She seems to study people & situations from the outside looking in. You will never be able to really know or understand what she is thinking...unless she let's you in. You can count yourself lucky to be let in to her exclusive World. She is a very private person. That's why a lot of people don't really know who she is. They might think they do...but they will undoubtedly be wrong. But once you're accepted into her life...at her discretion....you can count yourself so very lucky. She absolutely LOVED Mariko as much as all of us and she has cried, and she does miss her dearly. Also know there are dark places that she can't go...because she herself will never be able to handle it without a total breakdown. She would prefer her memories to be of all the great, fun, wonderful times we had with Mariko...and to uplift those memories. I just wanted to clear that up with some people...who I won't name.
One of my co-workers who I'm not close too at all had the nerve to ask me why she didn't cried. What??? You don't know her...why did you come to the funeral for to see how many 'TEARS' we cried? You don't know Kari...and you certainly don't care about me. So why did you come ...for Show?? Sorry I'm so annoyed with this person. This person everyday at work show's how 'rude, unprofessional, selfish, lazy & really mean they are. Always looking to blame others for their own problems and low self-esteem & who only feels empowered by demeaning others & constantly finding fault & exaggerating the negative....and I can't help but get angry that this person only came for the wrong reasons. Yes...I'm probably using this person as a scapegoat for all that is wrong with this World...but if they only start living for themselves, their happiness & their family...then they wouldn't make the lives of others so miserable. I mean life is short...focus on your own happiness and then maybe you wouldn't spread your poison, jealousy, & misery on others.
Sorry...except for this one person I so appreciate all the love & support my family received from truly loving, decent, kind, & caring people...who truly loved Mariko or cared for our family.
Anyways for all those who don't know Kari (aside for the "normal sibling rivalry" as she has pointed out to me.. with Momi), she is the most caring, funny, artistic, creative, sensitive, smart, honest, & truly COOL girl I know. And no one could be prouder.to be continued....
November 7th continued...Yesterday I found out that my good friend & coworkers' husband...who I also work with and he's a good friend as well...his brother died. And what was worse was that it was his mother's birthday and they had planned to go over there last night to celebrate. Instead it became a gathering of sorrow. My heart hurts for that family and especially his mother. Like I said before no matter the age...when your child dies a part of you dies. It will be such a painful time for them and I pray that somehow they find the strength to endure. His parents are in their seventies and they will need all the love, support they can get. He was 49...a year younger than me. My God all I can say again & again ...when will this year finally end. It's like I want to believe that if we can get through this horrible year then the next has got to be better.
I live in fear of 2008. I don't want to see any more pain near me, or a degree away from me. How much more can we take. Is God telling us something...is he preparing us for something. A shocking thought came to me that God called Mariko home (the weak), because she would not be able to endure what's coming. It sounds scary...but maybe if this World doesn't get better then God will smack us in the face and say WAKE UP!
I had a nightmare not long before Mariko passed away that some great catastrophe happened to the World. We were running in a group of people through darken neighborhoods (no electricity) and it felt so real...so scary. But like dreams I awoke with no memory of which of my kids were with me. I laid awake and my thoughts turned to the fact that without medication & hospitals...and Mariko being weak and sickly she would not survive...also, without my medication I would not be able to move without excruciating pain. But now that fear is no longer there because Mariko died anyway...but she died not during a catastrophe. Does that make it better? Maybe in a way it does because she did not suffer as long as that scenario. Oh I don't know.... it's fear speaking I guess.
My eyes are open and I am waiting & watching...and God I promise to be good...to be better...just spare my other two girls from suffering....pleasssssssseeee!. to be continued...
November 25, 2008I had another dream about this book called THE ROAD. It's about a father & son trying to survive after something had destroyed the world years ago. Food is impossible to find and trying to protect his son is the only reason he lives. I don't understand why I keep having these kinds of dreams...nightmares. I think it has to do with depression and not being able to see above worst case scenario's...because I'm already living with it. Trying to live with it.
It's the beginning of the Holiday season and I'm usually excited about this time of year...but not this year. I don't want to celebrate. I don't care about Thanksgiving...I'm not Thankful. I rather avoid it all together. But I have to consider the feelings of Kari & Momi. But all I feel...remember is the last Thanksgiving ..the last Christmas with Mariko.to be continued...
November 29, 2008Well Thanksgiving just came and went. I couldn't bring myself to have a "Normal" Thanksgiving without Mariko. I've been breaking down again. Something that I thought was under some semblance of control...but this Holiday season is killing me. I absolutely could not bare Thanksgiving...I'm not Thankful. So at the last moment I cancelled Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. I felt absolutely guilty...especially since my niece Joy was home for a visit. But I was so out of control with my feelings and emotions...so I explained to my sister and brother-in-law and they were so understanding and reassured me that it was OK. They were of course concerned about my girls. But I explained that we needed to be alone with Mariko that day. I know they worry...but at the same time they know. So that day we visited Mariko and brought her some poinsettia’s. We then took the girls to watch 'Twilight'. The theater was empty except for two other families. The movie was unexpectantly good. Then we took the girls to dinner at Gulliver’s. It's like a steak house. It turned out to be a very calming day for all of us.
Except for Momi who has been struggling for a while now. Sometimes the frustration level is so high that I want to turn my back...but I never will because I love her so much. She had another meltdown where a lot of awful things were said in anger...but then we had a breakthrough and she starting crying about missing Mariko so much. She has been fighting depression as well but at such a level that she's trying to push everyone away. She was the one that was the closest to Mariko in a lot of ways. She gave her baths...she washed her hair...she was the one Mariko consistently called to for help. So now she is hurting for the loss & the GUILT as well.
You see she was not always patient with Mariko...especially when Mariko at times make it difficult to help her. She would complain about getting her hair washed when she didn't want it washed...which frustrated Momi and of course like the rest of us we would get annoyed and show it. So even though the majority of the time it went smoothly for them...there were times that it was difficult for both of them...and this is the guilt and depression Momi is living with. I tried to reassure her that she should in no way feel guilty...she didn't do anything wrong...that she did the best she could...and that Mariko with absolutely no doubt loved her so much. We treated and reacted to her like any loving family would. She was one of us and was never made to feel different. And she treated us the same. I mean she would get just as frustrated with all of us and was not always sweet about it...Like "Leave Now"...when she kicked us out of her room. Mariko was just like anyone us...but not. She was better then most in so many ways. She made us all better for knowing and loving her.to be continued...
December 16, 2008SLIMS was great!!! The band (The Candy Bombardiers) played their hearts out...and I came away feeling so very proud of them...especially for Kari (my kid). She did it! They did it! It's been a whirlwind since they first found their drummer...practiced their songs...wrote new songs & music...recorded...opened their music space...and finally had the most wonderful opportunity to place at Slims. They ROCKED it! It's been a long road to get to this point... with a lot of laughs, disagreements, annoyances, tension & a lot of hard, hard work. But they got through all that, and the results were they had the time of their lives. They will forever look back at this time and remember with pride that they did a Great show at Slims when they were only 17 (and 14). There's only a handful of young teens that can say that. Whether they go on further in their music...or they fizzle out and face the real World...they will always have that memory...and no one can take that away from them. One of the few ALL Girl Punk, Garage, Rock bands out there. And even though they were not the best out there...(gimme a break this is their first show)...they were by far the most exciting, interesting, different (in a good way) band that played that day. The crowd was wound up...they even had 'moshers' hahah. Wow...this was the best thing in an otherwise dreary year. And I was so happy for the first time this year.
But back to reality...haha!I have been very honest...or as honest & open as I can possibly be in my Blog entries. I've said some things that have been misconstrued, or misinterpreted, or hit the nail on the head. I write how I feel 'IN THAT MOMENT'. It is my blog ...it is my feelings at the moment when I wrote it. Sure I let my emotions guide a lot of what I write whether good or bad.. it's still my emotions...my feelings. I've received a lot of comments & messages about what I've written. Most of it very caring & understanding, because most of the time I write about Mariko...but I also write about my life & what I'm going through.. Some of it is something I carry with me...but some of it is based on that 'one day' as I wrote it. This is almost like a diary I guess. So just because I wrote something in anger doesn't mean I still feel that way anymore. But if I believe something I will continue to write about it...until I change or the circumstances change. I know I'm blabbering on...but sometimes I just do that too! No one should tell you what you should or shouldn't write ...Right? If you know me then you know me...and will take what I write as just a part of me. We have good things about ourselves...and a lot of things that we are not proud of. Trust me no one is harder on me than myself. I absolutely know my faults, my failures, my shortcomings. But I will admit it to anyone and accept responsibility for them. I've said Sorry more times then I want to admit. But please be correct when you confront me on them...because I will also stand up for myself if I think you're wrong or not getting it.
If people were REALLY honest...and we write the absolute TRUTHS of what is in our heads...then we would never have a society of reasonable people. We've all learned at an early age to sensor ourselves in an effort to spare peoples feelings. I've heard on a news report that people lie in conversation constantly to fit the situation. I mean really think about it...we're all so judgmental in varying degrees. We're fooling ourselves if you can say honestly that you're honest!!!! I mean unless I'm obviously being a bitch...would you come up to me and say " you are a bitch" when I didn't do anything seriously bad to you? Unlikely...you would make excuses or say I'm not feeling well or happy...or whatever. If someone did a job, or made something or accomplished something...would you go up to them & say "I hate it"! No you would say "it's nice...wow that's amazing". If someone got a new haircut...would you say "eeewwww you shouldn't have done that to yourself"....and on & on... If someone was wearing the worst possible outfit...would you go up to them and say "you look fat"? No!!! In a polite society we sensor ourselves constantly to get along.
The one person who I can say is incredibly honest or should I say BLUNT...is Kari. And yet she has friends that accept her as she is. But she does sensor herself too to a point. She won't cross a line. Maybe being honest & not phony is the way to go?
Whatever....I'm blabbering again ...but seriously think about it the next time you talk to someone. Do you ever really say what you are really thinking?!!to be continued...
I guess what I fear most of all is that she will disappear from 'my' memories. Not just the remembering of daily life with her...but the smell of her hair, the sound of her voice, her laugh & giggles, the way she spoke, the way she said mommy, the crinkle in her nose, the way she crossed her arms around herself when she was upset, touching my nose with her tiny fingers, the feel of her warm hugs, & her tiny hand in mine. Day by day I struggle to keep her alive in my mind.I just don't want her to disappear!..to be continued...
Sept. 29, 2008I have recently been giving a lot of my attention & time to Kari's Band (The Candy Bombardiers). Kari is a senior now and I really wanted to help her focus her attention on her music, and if it doesn't work out then help her to find what she really wants to do with her future. So I have been pushing the kids to practice, write lyrics & music, and record. I even let them practice at my house every Saturday from 12 noon until midnight or so. I help drive, pickup the drums, feed them, buy the accessories (microphone, drum key, ect ..), whatever they need. They have really stepped up and have really been getting into the music. I even suggested & helped them find a drummer who is working out 'perfectly'. They have put their recorded songs on their Music Myspace page...and soon they will have enough songs recorded for a CD. The next step is 'gigs'. But they need to work on getting their song sets together. I have even made each of them a binder for their songs. All this I do in hopes that they get somewhere with their music. If they don't try...then they'll never know. I don't expect them to be famous...but to get to a point where they can make some money playing gigs locally would be great. One success is all they need while they are young...to hopefully show them they can do anything if they work hard and give it their all.
I'm constantly listening to their sound...I offer suggestions and sometimes they listen and sometimes they don't. But that's cool because it's their music! But there is one thing I know that would make them so much better. That will improve greatly their sound and perhaps get more people to like them. But it's an impossibility, a roadblock that can't be addressed or remedied. It's to do with one area of the band...that if mentioned would destroy friendships and bonds. So we turn a blind eye (ear) to the problem ...and hope for the best. Hoping that the problem area will be realized in a way that no one gets hurt, and keep them moving forward. No wonder a band breaks up or someone quits...instead of accepting what everyone else sees as the problem and working it out... they live with it or break up. My God I want them to succeed and selfishly for Kari's sake...for all of their sakes. But we just can't go THERE! We can't break hearts.to be continued....
October 7, 2008 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIKO!Today would have been Mariko's 22nd birthday. Just one year ago today Mariko was so happy. We took her to the Mall and she had her hair done at Ulta Saloon. We had a Mall party for her and she shopped for all the things she wanted...clothes, makeup, dvd's, jewelry & accessories. She looked very beautiful and she was HAPPY. Today she wasn't here anymore!
I picked up the girls from school around noon. We packed up the new plants, flowers, and decorations for her grave-site. We picked up lunch and cake. We got to the cemetery and unloaded the car...filled up the watering container...we opened up the blanket and had our lunch. Tom put in the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus movie that Mariko was looking forward too seeing once it came out...into the DVD player. We played it for her facing her headstone. I started removing the older flowers & plants and rearranging the newer ones. I had bought a bunch of pretty butterflies at the fog fest that were on wires, and placed them among her flowers. (This is the first Fog Fest she missed in 19 years...she loved the parade). She loved owls (like Harry Potters owl)...so I found a small one on a wire and placed it in the ground. I rearranged her Angels...and made room for the brand new beautiful Angel that's holding a blue butterfly. I also set up the pink butterfly balloon...the same exact one that she recv'd for her 21st birthday. We sat and quietly spoke...Kari & Momi walked around a bit...we took short naps under the warm sun. And we All Missed Mariko so much. Tom & I cried and held each other.
When I came home I slipped into sleep...to that quiet place away from reality for a little while.. Happy Birthday Mariko...I hope you had a beautiful birthday in Heaven.to be continued...
October 11, 2008I live my life for my Kids & Tom!!! Every thing I do...every thing I think...every move I make... it's always with my children & Tom in my mind & heart. They always have and always will take priority over anyone or anything. My love for them is so intense ...and that intensity has only magnified since I've felt the unbearable loss of Mariko.
I've lived through this loss only because of the need to protect & provide the best possible life for those that remain. The reality of losing Mariko has only made me more aware of how precious Life is...and how short our time in this life really is. I have been slapped in the face with Mortality...and the reality (& fear) of the fragility of Life.
I ...nor any living human being can change the fact of life & death. We can only do the best we can to appreciate the life we were given. To love, to live, to forgive, to go on, & to remember. I would not be the person I am without Mariko...and I will spend the rest of my life trying to live the life she was not given (although it's not the same without her). I will try to laugh more, sing more, dance more, love life more...because these were the things Mariko never took for granted. She loved her life...(such as it was with so many limitations). So who the hell am I to hate what she loved.
So that's why I open up my home to so many teens ...who are all friends in my kids lives...because I want to be around children laughing, singing, squealing, sharing, & LIVING. It is the sound of Joy & happiness & some foolishness...but it's so alive! Sometimes I don't get why other parents don't do the same. How they don't enjoy the 'noise'? Maybe it's the mess (but amazingly the kids like to pitch in together to do a quick pickup), maybe it's the cost of feeding a bunch of teens (somehow we manage).
All I know is if the teens like coming to my house then I must be doing something right. There's no drugs, no sex, no underage drinking...just the 'natural' high & energy that comes from being young. These teens bring pure Joy into our lives...and one day when my kids & all their friends are grown and out on their own...I know it will be a little sad & quiet in my house. But I hope they will always remember that we treated them with the utmost respect, love & trust...and that Casa Biel was a nice place away from home & to remember us fondly. And hopefully they all grow up to treat others with kindness & respect with open minds & heart as well. Maybe they'll look back and say that our home was a part of their Wonder Years too! I truly love all of you teens. Thanks for coming by and bringing "Life" into a home that really needed it...and thanks for remembering, loving & missing Mariko too.to be continued...
October 13, 2008Today was Columbus Day...I Had to Work!Got up at 0430...barely made it to work on time...didn't feel good in the clothes I chose to wear. So ended up feeling uncomfortable all day. Worked hard pushing papers here ...pushing papers there. Oh yeah ...yesterday finally got around to balancing the check book after like putting it off for a couple of months and realized 'Sh*t' ..money is tight! So at lunch I planned to mail a couple of bills 'priority' since I'm almost late. Got to the post office by my work and realized 'Fu*k ..it's a Holiday and it's closed. So I think the post office by the Airport is 24/7 so I drive there...'Fu*k' it's closed too! So that was a waste of time and effort. Finished up my day at work and rushed to see Mariko...got stuck waiting for a long funeral procession and thought again what a horrible year. Just before I left work Tom called to say he was using the weed whacker in the front yard and it caught a rock and cracked the big front window. He asked did I want to hear the sound of the window cracking as it spread. "NO"! Shit! Finally got home and found out that our front window is double paned so we had a backup window...as Tom cleaned out the broken glass. Spoke to Momi about a school issue only to have it thrown back at me with attitude...here I am the parent and my kid feels it's OK to basically get mad at me for questioning her issues. Surprisingly although it was basically a crappy day... I didn't lose it (a couple of cuss words to myself )..., or cry... or get angry (well maybe a little at Momi ...not for the issue but for the way she was speaking to me). But all in all...I'm pretty calm.
Because after all How Bad Can it Be? Nothing could ever be as bad as that day January 8, 2008...the last time I held Mariko as I said goodbye.
So to all of you having a bad day...remember Life sucks sometimes, and sometimes a lot of shit comes at you at one time. But "most" things & situations are fixable & forgotten in a couple of days. Don't drown in the misery. Let it out if you must...bitch about it.... but always remember things could be a lot worse! So be grateful that it's not. to be continued...
October 24, 2009God the past week just flew by. Sometimes I think days, weeks, months just flies by...flies by so fast pulling me quickly towards the end. The end of what...this life! I know that sounds morbid. But I see it in my face...I feel it in my bones...I know it in my soul. I remember when I was young playing in the woods, building forts, catching frogs, and dragonflies, & bees... The day's lasted so long. I remember the times riding in my parents Ford...and thinking I can't wait till I grew up and I could drive and have my elbow on the side and how cool I would be. I remember hanging with my friends, wondering what I would be when I grew up. I remember playing marbles and wishing I had money to buy more 'cats eyes', because I was never good enough to win them myself. I remember Christmas and being so excited about all the packages and counting how many were mine...and in what order I wanted to open them
But 50 years have flown by and all I feel is 'weariness' . I'm tired of waking up every morning at 430am and working a full day, I'm tired of paying bills and worrying about them. I'm tired of going grocery shopping & planning dinner.... and I'm sure as hell tired of having to color the gray in my hair every 6 weeks or so. But the worst is living yet another day without Mariko.
Have you ever longed for something so bad...that it becomes an obsession. Have you longed for someone to love you...have you longed to go somewhere that you've only dreamed of...have you longed to meet your idol whether an actor, musician, whoever...have you longed for money to get whatever you could ever want or need whether it's a home, cars, clothes, jewelry, travel. ..have you longed for your dreams to come true... I long for my child.
I know that the only thing that keeps me going is the love I have for my kids & Tom. I live to try to make their life as happy as possible. I want my kids to look back on their lives and always know without a doubt that they had a good life. I don't want to regret that I didn't do enough within my means to make them happy. Sometimes I know they don't understand when I push them...but maybe one day they will. I try to let them know how much I love them and how proud I am of them everyday.
Last week October 18th was Tom's birthday and the kids went all out for him. Greg dressed up like a character in Blue Velvet and acted like him by singing IN Dreams, then they all went out to the deck and played a punk version of the song. Greg then dressed up like Bob Dylan singing Tangled up in Blue. Kari & The Band then played their music, and Momi sang a Beach Boys song "And then I kissed her" for her dad. Kari spent a lot of times making a special mix CD for her dad with favorite lines from movies he likes with music thrown in. It was a Great birthday.
October 20th was my mom's birthday and I called her...I am so sad to be so far away from my parents. I worry & miss them so. I feel so helpless that I am unable to help them with my dad's failing health and the stress my mom has to endure. I thank God my brother is there to help them...but my guilt is overwhelming that he sacrificed his own life to take care of them.
Let me end in a more positive note. Kari's band the Candy Bombardiers received a message on their music myspace page from a promoter interested in putting them in a show in December. Turns out the show is on December 14th at SLIMS! It's an amazing opportunity and the winner will win 16 hours of free studio time. Plus when they are older they can look back when they were 17 and say they played at SLIMS. It's a famous venue and it's owned by Boz Scaggs and many famous bands have played there. The following week they have their own holiday gig at the Pacifica Boy's & Girls club. They are doing great. Who knows where this will lead? Maybe it'll lead to something bigger for them...or one or two of them in the future. Or maybe it will just be a beautiful memory. Where I had marbles & forts...they played music!to be continued...
November 2, 2008Wow...it's been an interesting week. It really started badly...Momi had a meltdown on Monday. We were really worried about her. She has been going through so much since her sister passed away. She's this emotional roller-coaster and we are on for the ride. She's been so angry...I don't even think she realizes what she is doing or saying half the time. She's just so agitated. She blows up at almost everything...which is putting a strain on the family because we are so on edge at times wondering what she is up too, or what she will do. It also doesn't help that it's been a hell of a year and the last thing any of us can handle is living with the fear of something bad happening to Momi. We love her so much but maybe that's not enough.
She needs more and in our own grief we neglected to recognize the profound effect this loss has been on her. She is so young and she has experienced death...that it's a reality...and that it hit so close to home. Most of us live well into middle age before we are touched by death of a loved one...especially death within the immediate family. Momi was only 12 when her big sister died.. I have to remember that if it's so painful for me at 50...what the impact must be for such a young child.
I believe that she is trying to get the most out of life and to hell with the consequences at time. Her grades are failing...her selfishness is manifested...her anger is intense. All this I think is somewhere deep in her subconscious that she must do what she wants NOW...because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I also believe that most of the year Tom & I have been living with our own grief and everything centers around our thoughts of Mariko...only recently have we been also dedicating our attention towards Kari and her band, who are actually getting somewhere and doing great things at the moment. It's exciting. While Momi is at a standstill...just hanging with friends. So I believe a lot of it is the need for attention whether it be 'negative' attention...it's Attention. Don't get me wrong most of the time she is her sweet, normal loving self...but moments of disagreements end in a lot of emotion & hurtful words. Yes...a lot of this may be normal teenage angst...something we didn't experience with Mariko or Kari...but I believe it does go beyond to deeper pain.
So Tom and I have had many a discussion and we both are working on getting Momi back on track with school...and getting her into some activity that she is interested in. So she mentioned kick boxing & she's trying it out...and other interest that might make her feel good about her accomplishments. She is a beautiful, sweet, sensitive, bright, happy & a very loving young girl...who's just a little lost at times. Tom & I agreed that we need to pay attention to her, and reason with her, and help her in any way we can. She just needs a little more patience, attention, and love. What all of us could use from time to time...especially a very young teen who lost her sister just 10 months ago.to be continued...
November 2, 2008After just reading what I wrote about Momi...I thought some of you might be wondering about Kari. If you know anything about Kari...you know that she has never, or will ever wear her feelings on her sleeve. In other words she doesn't outwardly show deep, sad, emotional feelings to a lot of people. She has always been quiet in the sense that she never opens up to just anyone. She doesn't trust easily...but once she lets you in you are basically a friend for life. She is what I almost like to call...a "watcher". She seems to study people & situations from the outside looking in. You will never be able to really know or understand what she is thinking...unless she let's you in. You can count yourself lucky to be let in to her exclusive World. She is a very private person. That's why a lot of people don't really know who she is. They might think they do...but they will undoubtedly be wrong. But once you're accepted into her life...at her discretion....you can count yourself so very lucky. She absolutely LOVED Mariko as much as all of us and she has cried, and she does miss her dearly. Also know there are dark places that she can't go...because she herself will never be able to handle it without a total breakdown. She would prefer her memories to be of all the great, fun, wonderful times we had with Mariko...and to uplift those memories. I just wanted to clear that up with some people...who I won't name.
One of my co-workers who I'm not close too at all had the nerve to ask me why she didn't cried. What??? You don't know her...why did you come to the funeral for to see how many 'TEARS' we cried? You don't know Kari...and you certainly don't care about me. So why did you come ...for Show?? Sorry I'm so annoyed with this person. This person everyday at work show's how 'rude, unprofessional, selfish, lazy & really mean they are. Always looking to blame others for their own problems and low self-esteem & who only feels empowered by demeaning others & constantly finding fault & exaggerating the negative....and I can't help but get angry that this person only came for the wrong reasons. Yes...I'm probably using this person as a scapegoat for all that is wrong with this World...but if they only start living for themselves, their happiness & their family...then they wouldn't make the lives of others so miserable. I mean life is short...focus on your own happiness and then maybe you wouldn't spread your poison, jealousy, & misery on others.
Sorry...except for this one person I so appreciate all the love & support my family received from truly loving, decent, kind, & caring people...who truly loved Mariko or cared for our family.
Anyways for all those who don't know Kari (aside for the "normal sibling rivalry" as she has pointed out to me.. with Momi), she is the most caring, funny, artistic, creative, sensitive, smart, honest, & truly COOL girl I know. And no one could be prouder.to be continued....
November 7th continued...Yesterday I found out that my good friend & coworkers' husband...who I also work with and he's a good friend as well...his brother died. And what was worse was that it was his mother's birthday and they had planned to go over there last night to celebrate. Instead it became a gathering of sorrow. My heart hurts for that family and especially his mother. Like I said before no matter the age...when your child dies a part of you dies. It will be such a painful time for them and I pray that somehow they find the strength to endure. His parents are in their seventies and they will need all the love, support they can get. He was 49...a year younger than me. My God all I can say again & again ...when will this year finally end. It's like I want to believe that if we can get through this horrible year then the next has got to be better.
I live in fear of 2008. I don't want to see any more pain near me, or a degree away from me. How much more can we take. Is God telling us something...is he preparing us for something. A shocking thought came to me that God called Mariko home (the weak), because she would not be able to endure what's coming. It sounds scary...but maybe if this World doesn't get better then God will smack us in the face and say WAKE UP!
I had a nightmare not long before Mariko passed away that some great catastrophe happened to the World. We were running in a group of people through darken neighborhoods (no electricity) and it felt so real...so scary. But like dreams I awoke with no memory of which of my kids were with me. I laid awake and my thoughts turned to the fact that without medication & hospitals...and Mariko being weak and sickly she would not survive...also, without my medication I would not be able to move without excruciating pain. But now that fear is no longer there because Mariko died anyway...but she died not during a catastrophe. Does that make it better? Maybe in a way it does because she did not suffer as long as that scenario. Oh I don't know.... it's fear speaking I guess.
My eyes are open and I am waiting & watching...and God I promise to be good...to be better...just spare my other two girls from suffering....pleasssssssseeee!. to be continued...
November 25, 2008I had another dream about this book called THE ROAD. It's about a father & son trying to survive after something had destroyed the world years ago. Food is impossible to find and trying to protect his son is the only reason he lives. I don't understand why I keep having these kinds of dreams...nightmares. I think it has to do with depression and not being able to see above worst case scenario's...because I'm already living with it. Trying to live with it.
It's the beginning of the Holiday season and I'm usually excited about this time of year...but not this year. I don't want to celebrate. I don't care about Thanksgiving...I'm not Thankful. I rather avoid it all together. But I have to consider the feelings of Kari & Momi. But all I feel...remember is the last Thanksgiving ..the last Christmas with Mariko.to be continued...
November 29, 2008Well Thanksgiving just came and went. I couldn't bring myself to have a "Normal" Thanksgiving without Mariko. I've been breaking down again. Something that I thought was under some semblance of control...but this Holiday season is killing me. I absolutely could not bare Thanksgiving...I'm not Thankful. So at the last moment I cancelled Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. I felt absolutely guilty...especially since my niece Joy was home for a visit. But I was so out of control with my feelings and emotions...so I explained to my sister and brother-in-law and they were so understanding and reassured me that it was OK. They were of course concerned about my girls. But I explained that we needed to be alone with Mariko that day. I know they worry...but at the same time they know. So that day we visited Mariko and brought her some poinsettia’s. We then took the girls to watch 'Twilight'. The theater was empty except for two other families. The movie was unexpectantly good. Then we took the girls to dinner at Gulliver’s. It's like a steak house. It turned out to be a very calming day for all of us.
Except for Momi who has been struggling for a while now. Sometimes the frustration level is so high that I want to turn my back...but I never will because I love her so much. She had another meltdown where a lot of awful things were said in anger...but then we had a breakthrough and she starting crying about missing Mariko so much. She has been fighting depression as well but at such a level that she's trying to push everyone away. She was the one that was the closest to Mariko in a lot of ways. She gave her baths...she washed her hair...she was the one Mariko consistently called to for help. So now she is hurting for the loss & the GUILT as well.
You see she was not always patient with Mariko...especially when Mariko at times make it difficult to help her. She would complain about getting her hair washed when she didn't want it washed...which frustrated Momi and of course like the rest of us we would get annoyed and show it. So even though the majority of the time it went smoothly for them...there were times that it was difficult for both of them...and this is the guilt and depression Momi is living with. I tried to reassure her that she should in no way feel guilty...she didn't do anything wrong...that she did the best she could...and that Mariko with absolutely no doubt loved her so much. We treated and reacted to her like any loving family would. She was one of us and was never made to feel different. And she treated us the same. I mean she would get just as frustrated with all of us and was not always sweet about it...Like "Leave Now"...when she kicked us out of her room. Mariko was just like anyone us...but not. She was better then most in so many ways. She made us all better for knowing and loving her.to be continued...
December 16, 2008SLIMS was great!!! The band (The Candy Bombardiers) played their hearts out...and I came away feeling so very proud of them...especially for Kari (my kid). She did it! They did it! It's been a whirlwind since they first found their drummer...practiced their songs...wrote new songs & music...recorded...opened their music space...and finally had the most wonderful opportunity to place at Slims. They ROCKED it! It's been a long road to get to this point... with a lot of laughs, disagreements, annoyances, tension & a lot of hard, hard work. But they got through all that, and the results were they had the time of their lives. They will forever look back at this time and remember with pride that they did a Great show at Slims when they were only 17 (and 14). There's only a handful of young teens that can say that. Whether they go on further in their music...or they fizzle out and face the real World...they will always have that memory...and no one can take that away from them. One of the few ALL Girl Punk, Garage, Rock bands out there. And even though they were not the best out there...(gimme a break this is their first show)...they were by far the most exciting, interesting, different (in a good way) band that played that day. The crowd was wound up...they even had 'moshers' hahah. Wow...this was the best thing in an otherwise dreary year. And I was so happy for the first time this year.
But back to reality...haha!I have been very honest...or as honest & open as I can possibly be in my Blog entries. I've said some things that have been misconstrued, or misinterpreted, or hit the nail on the head. I write how I feel 'IN THAT MOMENT'. It is my blog ...it is my feelings at the moment when I wrote it. Sure I let my emotions guide a lot of what I write whether good or bad.. it's still my emotions...my feelings. I've received a lot of comments & messages about what I've written. Most of it very caring & understanding, because most of the time I write about Mariko...but I also write about my life & what I'm going through.. Some of it is something I carry with me...but some of it is based on that 'one day' as I wrote it. This is almost like a diary I guess. So just because I wrote something in anger doesn't mean I still feel that way anymore. But if I believe something I will continue to write about it...until I change or the circumstances change. I know I'm blabbering on...but sometimes I just do that too! No one should tell you what you should or shouldn't write ...Right? If you know me then you know me...and will take what I write as just a part of me. We have good things about ourselves...and a lot of things that we are not proud of. Trust me no one is harder on me than myself. I absolutely know my faults, my failures, my shortcomings. But I will admit it to anyone and accept responsibility for them. I've said Sorry more times then I want to admit. But please be correct when you confront me on them...because I will also stand up for myself if I think you're wrong or not getting it.
If people were REALLY honest...and we write the absolute TRUTHS of what is in our heads...then we would never have a society of reasonable people. We've all learned at an early age to sensor ourselves in an effort to spare peoples feelings. I've heard on a news report that people lie in conversation constantly to fit the situation. I mean really think about it...we're all so judgmental in varying degrees. We're fooling ourselves if you can say honestly that you're honest!!!! I mean unless I'm obviously being a bitch...would you come up to me and say " you are a bitch" when I didn't do anything seriously bad to you? Unlikely...you would make excuses or say I'm not feeling well or happy...or whatever. If someone did a job, or made something or accomplished something...would you go up to them & say "I hate it"! No you would say "it's nice...wow that's amazing". If someone got a new haircut...would you say "eeewwww you shouldn't have done that to yourself"....and on & on... If someone was wearing the worst possible outfit...would you go up to them and say "you look fat"? No!!! In a polite society we sensor ourselves constantly to get along.
The one person who I can say is incredibly honest or should I say BLUNT...is Kari. And yet she has friends that accept her as she is. But she does sensor herself too to a point. She won't cross a line. Maybe being honest & not phony is the way to go?
Whatever....I'm blabbering again ...but seriously think about it the next time you talk to someone. Do you ever really say what you are really thinking?!!to be continued...
Part 5
June 24, 2008Just 15 minutes...that's about the time it took for Mariko to get on her school bus and to arrive home. Just 15 minutes and Mariko was gone. I can't get pass that. Just 15 minutes!Did she suffer? Did she call for help in her tiny voice? Did she know?I like to believe with all my heart that she just fell asleep, and did not wake up. But I'll never know. No one was with her in the end. Please, please God...My one bit of comfort is that Barbara gave her a hug and told her she loved her right before she got on the bus. The last thing she heard were words of love. I wish it was me though. I didn't get to hug her that day, and tell her I love her. She was still sleeping when I left for work at 530 in the morning, and she was already gone as the bus pulled up and I climb the steps to get her.
A good friend of mine lost her relatives Sunday in a random act of violence. Again I think if they had left just 1 minute later, or 1 minute earlier...then they would not have been at that one place, at that one moment. It would have all turned out differently. This life good or bad would have gone on.
But we can't know the events that play into the course of our life. We just go on blindly through our day, with a bit of faith that we will lay our heads down softly at night in the safety and comfort of our homes...too start all over again the next day...& the next. I pray for the family and the pain they will have to somehow live through...but they will good or bad go on. Just like me. Just like all that love and miss Mariko dearly everyday!to be continued...
June 26, 2009Today was a day of mixed emotions. Tom, me, Kari, & Momi went to visit Mariko's class for the first time since she passed away. This was where she spent her last day. We brought pizza, soda's, and cake for the class. We were greeted so warmly by the teachers, staff, & the sweet, sweet kids. I of course fought to hold back tears the whole time. There were memories of Mariko all over the room. Her desk was as it was that last day. Her desk, her school work...her name tag.... There were pictures all around the room with Mariko and her classmates. There was a memorial poster of Mariko from her friends on the door.
I lost it a few times when I saw the painted flower pots the kids were making...one of them was painted with "I love Mari", on Roberts desk was all the nicknames he had for her so he wouldn't forget them...like Shortie, Short-stuff, ect... And the most heartbreaking thing was the target bag from their very last shopping trip (Mariko worked a couple of hours with the CTA and earned a paycheck that they would go shopping with). In the bag she had bought with her own money were brand new sets of headbands & chap-stick. She loved target...she loved headbands...she loved lipstick & chap-stick. It was so her! Tom lost it then.
The great part of the visit was having lunch with all the kids and the teachers. We shared all the wonderful memories of Mariko. They presented us with the most beautiful angel bird-bath made of stone for our garden. It has a heavy pedestal & a large bowl and a beautiful angel sitting on the edge of the bowl with her toes dangling in the water. The underside of the bowl was signed by all the staff and kids. This is their everlasting memorial to Mariko, given to us with Love. We will treasure it forever.
As we walked to the school bus to say goodbye to the kids...Mariko's bus driver came out and gave me a big hug. He was with me that horrible last moments & we helped each other. I know this loss...has forever had a profound effect on his life. He will always love & remember Mariko. He is a truly good man...and I believe he would have done anything to save her if he could.to be continued..
June 30, 2008Tomorrow is the funeral of my friends 3 relatives... I can only imagine how horrific the loss of 3 family members in one swift moment can impact their lives so deeply. I can't accept losing Mariko...let alone 2 others so suddenly. The shock ...the emptiness...the quiet.. must be so unbearable. This murderer...sociopath...pure evil... has so arbitrarily...so easily taken away the lives of 3 innocent people without a thought. They did nothing to him...they didn't know him... they by chance were there at the worst possible moment. The 2 younger members had their whole lives ahead of them. He crashed into the lives of this family and robbed them all of innocence, and a sense of security. He brought fear, hate, and unimaginable pain to this family. For What? It doesn't make sense. But nothing makes sense lately
I wish I could write about something grand & uplifting...but everywhere I turn has been so full of sorrow. Or maybe it's because I'm still in that sad place...that's all I can see because the haze hasn't be lifted yet. Could someone please tell me something amazing...joyous...Grand? Could someone explain to me why? I need to see the Good in this life we live! Yes I know I have love ...I have Tom, Momi & Kari. But I want to see beyond that!
We all need Hope. And for those of us with children...we want to know that we are leaving them a Life...a World of goodness...a World without so much fear! Is a blessed life to much to ask for?
I want to 'shake' the World and tell them to be better. To appreciate what we have Now. To be better, descent, loving, caring, joyous, faithful, selfless! But we are all so sad, selfish, insecure, angry...(including me)! Please God make me better now! to be continued..
July 12, 2008I've been on vacation since July 4th...and I've been very sick since the 4th as well. Now my vacation is almost over, and I'm supposed to get back to work on the 14th. It figures right...I've been looking forward to time off for so long. It's been a rough year and I really needed it, but instead of getting any rest, quality time with the family, and any sense of renewal...I've been fighting this chest cold or whatever it is from day 1 of my vacation and I haven't been able to shake it yet either. I went to the doctor on July 7th...I got a prescription for antibiotics, and an inhaler, vitamins....and oh yeah 'anti-depressants'. My doctor insists that I'm extremely depressed, and that is why I have been sick for most of the year so far. My immune system is shot. I already have auto-immune problems with my Rheumatoid Arthritis...but the depression is causing me to not be able to fight normal colds and illnesses well. This is having a toll on my wellness. I guess losing a child will do that. OF COURSE I'm depressed...I don't need a f**king doctor to tell me that. One catch though...I can't take the anti-depressant pills until I feel better....and I can't seem to feel better because I'm sick and depressed. Talk about 'Catch 22'!!Sh*t...Sh*t...Sh*t.....I hate being sick. I hate that my vacation is almost over. I hate that I didn't get to do half the things I wanted to do over vacation. I hate that I have to work. And most of all I hate that Life is absolutely sh*ty without Mariko.F**KKKKKKK!!!!!
July 25, 2008I know I haven't written anything for a while. I have been absolutely ill lately. I'm beginning to feel better after like 3 weeks. I had a CT Scan yesterday because my doctor couldn't read my chest x-ray very well. I'm assuming it's nothing...but who knows until I hear the results probably next week. The thing is I'm not afraid...even when the doctor told me there's some sort of mass in the chest x-ray. I guess I'm thinking if it's serious then how can death be so bad...because Mariko is with the Angels right and I told her I would see her soon?? And if everything is OK then I have Tom, Kari, and Momi for a while longer. So either way I'm cool with it.
I know you reading this will think I've totally lost my mind. But that's where I'm at right now so just bear with me. Like I've said before I'm so tired. The only problem is that this would be absolutely devastating to my family...but I want them to know that I am not afraid. I guess realistically I don't want them to go through more suffering...so I hope I'm OK for now. Anyway...on the lighter side of it if I were really sick I would be losing weight right? And as far as I can tell I'm putting on weight with absolutely no problems at all...hahahaha! Shit!
Tomorrow is my dear Kari's 17th birthday party. I think she will have a great time ...but I won't spoil the surprise yet just in case she sees this. But her friends in they own unique way has come up with amazing..."interesting"...funny plans for the day. I'll probably go into details later. But one thing they got her is so off the wall ...that it's way COOL.
One cool thing I want to share is that I LOVE my IPOD. I have so many songs that help me escape and helps calm me. But the coolest thing about my IPOD is that I have several songs by Kari's band The Candy Bombardiers that they recorded...including the song Tom wrote the lyrics for our anniversary, and Kari and the band wrote the music. Isn't that way cool? Of course the recordings are not that good because that's their first attempt at recording on the recorder we got for Kari a few years back. But all they need to do is tweak it a bit to get it just right. They sound is mainly punk rock...except my song is more Islandy. Today they played in front of Safeway for like an hour and made $20.00 bucks in change & bills by people going in and out. hahahaha...their first paycheck! I think they're so great.
My friend Melissa & I are writing a song for their band. As soon as we finish it I will share the lyrics. But I think it's so them. It's about how they are judged by how they look...and not by who they really are. People look at them and assume they do drugs. They don't. They assume that they're losers...but they are so talented, creative, artistic, smart, and cool. And most of all they are Kind. A couple of jocks even approached them and started a fight. But the kids stood their ground and wouldn't fight but told that that's so not cool. The jocks were drunk and even apologized the following week. They have had stuff thrown at them when their mining their own business, and yelled at for being different. So the song is about that. About being judged! I guess in a way we can all relate to that. If you see Kari and her band they are a little different. Kari currently has green hair with a nose ring. She's the guitarist. Ariel has purple hair and a lip ring (not on the sides or snakebites)...but in the very center of her lower lip. She's lead vocals and she plays the accordion, tambourine, and maracas. Kayla has red/orange hair and she is the lead bass. Greg is blond and plays rhythm guitar and vocals. And Ian plays the drums. Momi is in their other group The Kings of Rock & Roll and she sings and plays the electric bass. They live and breath music. They even love the oldies like The Clash, Bob Dylan, Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, Beach Boys, Crosby, Stills, Nash, ect...ect...
My hope for them is that they can someday make a living with music. They don't need to be rich and famous...but enough to have regular gigs. What they need is a manager. But right now they're young and enjoying their lives and that's all I can ask for. I don't want to ever discourage their dreams. I can't see Kari working in a cubicle like me for the rest of her life. I actually want her to love what she does and that way she will have a fulfilling life. Isn't that what all of us want for our kids ...to be happy and love their lives. You can have all the education in the World...but if you end up doing something that doesn't make you happy then what's the point? I realize that life IS short...so do what you love and love what you do...while you can! I know I can't say the same for myself...my job is just that...a job! I never grew up imagining ...ooohhhh I want to work everyday in a small cubicle pushing papers back and forth, day after day...bitching about this...bitching about that. And yet I wake up every day with that responsibility.
But it's not too late for the kids if that's really what they want...to be free and happy. It's not unheard of...for every person that hates their 'jobs'...there's someone out there that's living their dreams whatever it may be. to be continued...
August 1, 2008Today I was having my daily email conversation with one of my best friends Melissa. We never get to see each other any more...but we stay close with daily emails. Sometimes a quick hello and how's it going, to several exchanges back & forth depending on what's going on in our lives. Well today she sent me a couple of verses of Bob Marley’s song to make me happy, cause she always knows when I'm going through stuff or feeling like sh*t.. It's called Three Little Birds. One part of it goes "Don't worry bout a thing...cause every little things gonna be alright..." And of course I cried because it reminded me of a time with Mariko. But it was a 'sweet' cry.
One day Tom, me, & the kids were having a horrible day. We were all pissed off...I don't even remember why? That's not important. I remember we all got in the car and you knew it was going to be a tense drive home. Tom started the car and that song was playing on the radio. Back then for some reason Mariko always sat in the back of the van. Kari & Momi in the middle. She liked the very back of the van back then. Anyway ...when that song came on Tom looked in the rear view mirror and saw Mariko with her arms in the air ...pumping her little arms & swaying her body to the beat of the song with the biggest, brightest smile on her face...singing along "Don't worry bout a thing...every little thing's gonna be alright.". Of course we all turned around and laughed and in that instant with her... ALL of our moods changed and the tension was lifted. She made us all so very happy.
If we could all be a little bit like Mariko...maybe we could let go of stupid, insignificant stuff easier. Maybe we could not hold on to grudges, minor slights, indignation, jealousy & hate. Mariko never, ever stayed mad or upset with anyone. Sure she got mad...but it never stayed with her. She forgot in an instant almost the moment you felt bad & apologized to her, or were kind to her...she always forgave you! But most importantly it was as if nothing ever happened...as if she didn't remember being mad at you at all.
Melissa's a lot like Mariko I think...so sweet , kind , happy , forgiving , caring & very loving! She knows just the right thing to say or do to instantly change your mood for the better.
This is for all of you out there who could use a little bit of love & encouragement....a little bit of Mariko, Melissa, & Marley...
"Don't worry about a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright.Singing': "Don't worry about a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright!"Rise up this mornin',Smiled with the risin' sun,Three little birdsPitch by my doorstepSingin' sweet songsOf melodies pure and true,Saying', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")Singing': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright."Singing': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright!"to be continued...
August 8, 2008I still haven't gotten my voice back ...it's been like a month now. My doctor said I need to stop talking...which is impossible with a house full of teens, and having to talk (well strained whisper) at work. She gives me "the look" when I tell her I can't not talk...and say's that it's going to take longer to get my voice back then. Oh well. Of course Kari & Momi pull the standard ..."What...what did you say...I can't hear you", when I'm telling them to do or clean something. hahaha!!
A cool thing about work (wait...what? haha...), is that we started a "Virtual Walk". Which means a bunch of us are walking the distant to Santa Cruz, CA. (60 miles), during our break. We've started walking a mile everyday at around 1000am, or whenever you can fit the walk in during your morning or afternoon breaks. Probably it's like almost 50 people walking I think? Anyways it should take us like 3 months. We completed 6 straight work days (We started Aug 1st), and it's getting a lot easier already...considering I haven't really had regular exercise in a long time. We should all be able to walk a mile in 13 minutes soon! I know it's been only a week but I can feel the difference already. I've also cut back on carbs & sugar...so I really think it's working. I promised my doctor I'd lose 10-20 lbs in 3 months. Like I mentioned previously I've gained quite a bit of weight since Mariko passed away due to depression, and mentally I understand that...so I'm trying to start taking better care of myself.
You remember earlier I had sort of a medical scare and of course I thought the worse...but I didn't care. I just dreaded going through all the crap you go through with cancer or whatever...and dealing with handling it all & worrying about Tom & the girls. So just before I went to the doctors appointment where I was going to get the results of the CT Scan...I stopped at the cemetery to talk to Mariko. I asked her if it was time to go & if yes... then I couldn't wait to see her again...But if she felt that Tom & the girls still needed me... that I was going to be OK. And I left there with a great sense of peace. Because Mariko was listening to me. So when the doctor came in I was so calm. I do have stuff to take care of...but I'm generally in good health. No cancer...no mass that the x-ray saw...
One last thing I went to target tonight to get some school supplies for Momi & Kari...I was standing in the middle of Target crying...because this is the time of year that I always stock-up on notebooks that Mariko stenciled in every single day. She loved notebooks, pens, & markers...$6.00 for a whole case. I can't believe that just last August for back to school shopping, she was with me getting those notebooks that meant so much to her.to be continued...
August 11, 2008Today I spent the whole day with Momi doing back to school shopping...mainly for new clothes for her. School starts in about 3 weeks. We hit so many stores and Momi normally knows what she likes. She does NOT depend on me to tell her what to get or what looks good on her...basically she would not listen to me about what she does or doesn't like. She tries clothes on and even if I say it looks so cute...she will not go with my opinion or anyone else's for that matter. She likes what she likes. She actually looks great in anything. She never has problems finding clothes like me. I struggle with it constantly and appreciate all the help I can get. I think I miss being skinnier because I could wear anything and feel pretty much good about it.
But when you're overweight you get disgusted with yourself trying to find anything ...even a sack to feel better about yourself. lol! I know this has been the dilemma for many, many women & men too I reckon. So when a skinny person say's I need to lose weight or they can't find anything to wear...I just want to slap em' hahaha. Joke!!It was easy shopping for Momi and Kari is always easy because she basically likes it simple. (And she doesn't give a shit about vanity! hahaha!) She mainly wants jeans, band T-shirts, & cool flannels. So tomorrow is Kari's turn. It's too simple...last year I was buying all new clothes for Mariko as well. She was a little more difficult to shop for. It was always hard to fit her because she was very tiny...short...but wider then little kids. She got tired of shopping easily, and I always had to help her try on everything because it was difficult for her to dress herself...until we found clothes that were age appropriate (not kids styles ...after all she was 20 at the time). We tried so much clothes until we were both so tired & often frustrated because it was so hard to find anything. She would say "Let's go home now"...while I wanted to get this done on our short weekends as it was...and I'd beg her just please try on a few things more. Until we were both near tears. But I would give anything to take her back-to-school shopping again. If I would have only known at the time that this was the very last back to school shopping trip with her...I would have treasured that time...I'm sorry Mariko. I miss everything about you so much...even the hard stuff!to be continues...
August 12, 2008I'm sure a lot of you heard or will hear about the controversy surrounding the movie 'Tropic Thunder'. The new Ben Stiller, Jack Black comedy that just came out in theaters. There are a lot of people that are probably anxiously awaiting the weekend to go and see it. Personally I wanted to see the movie myself until I heard about the controversy. Yes, I heard there is quite a bit of the word "retard" used in the movie. That word is frankly not much of a surprise to me...as I've mentioned earlier the word is almost as common as "Hello" now a days. But I read a more disturbing thing that they show in the movie centering around a photo of a child with Down Syndrome and a joke in very poor taste. Anyone who knows me knows that Mariko had Down Syndrome. So yes...it's very personal to me and my family. But the sad part of all of this is how desensitized we have become as a society...for people to accept the degradation of those who are unable to defend themselves. People say "come on...have a sense of humor"... It's a joke...a parody! But damn it I have a great sense of humor...but just not at the expense of the innocent who are unable to speak for themselves. There has got to be a line drawn...someone has to stand up and say "You have gone too far!". That it's just not funny. I refuse to dishonor the memory of my child by seeing this movie for a sick laugh. Would it be acceptable to go up to a disabled person and call them a "retard"...or you're "stupid" and laugh in their face. Then why is it OK on the big screen for millions of people to see & laugh at?I don't expect people to understand. But Mariko was not born whole...and she had to pay the price for it when people stared at her, or giggled, or called her Chucky Doll. She was aware enough to ask..."Mommy ...my face wrong?".So fuck all of those people out there who tell me to have a sense of humor. It's only a comedy...lighten up. Because they did not have a Mariko in their lives. Their children are healthy, perfect, they didn't have to struggle with hospitals, special schools, little yellow buses for the "retards", stares from strangers. They have NO fucking idea what it's like to be disabled or had to struggle with having a loved one with disabilities.So go enjoy the movie and have a good laugh...at Mariko!!!!to be continued.... (Sorry to all my caring friends...this controversy has touched a powerful nerve in me...and I am angry)!!
August 12, 2008 late eveningPlease don't let my personal views affect your decisions one way or the other. I was venting! I have no right to tell anyone how to live their lives. I have no right to judge anyone. I have made plenty of mistakes myself. I just get angry when people tell me how to feel. I know how I feel. The film in MY opinion is hurtful. But how I feel or what I believe right or wrong should not be forced on others... or I would be doing to you, what I hate having done to me. I will not watch this movie...but you 're not living my life or know Mariko as I did. And you may most definitely have your own opinions about what is funny. I'm almost certain that this movie will be hilarious...(until it gets to the parts that will stab at my heart when Mari's face flashes in my mind).Please keep in mind my pain is still real & fresh in my heart... and this pain is not yours!to be continued...
August 15,2008I was hoping that I would get a lot more comments concerning my rant against that movie. Maybe some outrageous indignation against the movie, maybe promises that you will not watch the movie either, maybe some moral support, or maybe someone telling me to just lighten up...it's only a comedy! Maybe a little bit of something.But looking back on what I wrote, I guess it would be hard to say anything. You're not emotionally invested as I am. I already know that this does not affect you personally as it does me. I have acquaintances...friends...but really you are just on the outside looking in. I'm the one who invited you to look into my life by opening up in my blog for Mariko. I understand that you really have no emotional investment, other than empathy for someone else's pain. (Which I do appreciate all of your kind words & thoughts about Mariko). But you all have your own lives, family, friends,... & beliefs. By openly writing about Mariko...it's almost like watching a sad movie, or whatever your feelings might be about what I write. You may shed a tear, laugh, sympathize, become bored, or you may not understand the plot.. So once you sign out (like exiting the movie theater), you move on with your lives. As it should be...as I myself would do. But I'm still living it. I never thought I would open up as I have. I guess it helps me deal somewhat. I still cry all the time. I still find it hard to believe everything that's happened. I still can't accept not seeing her again. When you watch a sad movie...the people go through a lot of sorrow & anger, but then towards the end there is always a little glimmer of hope or acceptance. I wonder what happens after the credits roll?? Because I really don't know that I will ever be better. People tell me all the time that it gets better. Or they look at me as if I never lost my baby...like I must be over it.
But do you not see how I've changed? I'm not the Keiko of before 01/08/08. Mariko has had a profound affect on me from her life & now after she's gone. Someone told me I have to stop going to see her everyday. That it's not good for me & it's not allowing me to heal. But how do I stop? If I don't see her then I feel worse. If I don't see her during my lunch hour...then I must see her after work. Who else will water her flowers and make sure everything is OK? I fear when I don't go. Tell me... if you lost your child could you stop? If yes...then tell me how? See...just like after the credit rolls in the sad movie we all wish for the best...but we really don't know if everything is going to be alright for the main characters. We play out all kinds of scenarios in our mind and sometimes pick the one we can live with.to be continued...
August 16, 2008I've been reading commentaries, articles online about Tropic Thunder...and I realize I am too close to the subject to give an objective opinion. Perhaps I am over-reacting. Perhaps I am taking it all the wrong way. I guess I will never know unless I see for myself. But if I cringe every time I hear someone in passing say 'retard', that's 'retarded', you're 'retarded'... then how can I sit through a whole movie that's constantly spewing that word & making fun of an actor wanting to portray a "retard" in order to get an academy award? I have spoken to a few people over the years, that were unknowingly using that word, and asked them to please not use it around me. They then realize that I have a daughter with a mental disability and quickly apologize and say they were not thinking. Like I said the word is used so often now a day that it's almost automatic for some...especially young people. But one thing that really, really got to me is how you know after a popular movie there's always t-shirts, cups, notebooks, ect...to promote the movie. Like with Star Wars or Harry Potter you can get a t-shirt, products of every character from that movie.. which Mariko loved. The problem with Tropic Thunder is that there is already a t-shirt out that say's "Full Retard"...that means the actor was told or believes in order to get the academy award for playing a person with a disability he would have to play the Full Retard! Now how many of you would have laughed at that? And if you laugh...would it make you feel uncomfortable after? Or would you just laugh & forget about it. For myself it would have hurt. So I guess Mariko was the Full Retard...right??? But I don't think it's funny at all because I lived through her struggles.August 21, 2009Some of you know that towards the end of last year when some friends of mine first made a 'my space' for me...I started looking up old friends from when I was young. Of course I couldn't find anyone. For one thing I'm 'Old'...and for another most of my old girlfriends probably got married and their last names have changed. But miracles of miracles I found one of my best friends from when I was 12 years old. She never married. At first when I looked at her pictures I couldn't recognize her. But then I studied her pictures and saw in her eyes the Olivia I knew in the 7th grade. Like me she was half Japanese. But a 'blond' Japanese. She also had a lot of freckles. But it was all in her eyes...the Japanese eyes. She's absolutely beautiful. Well the excitement was overwhelming and we shared all the memories we had when we were 12 in Okinawa. The things we did...the places...what was "in"...life as military brats, ect... It was so much fun looking back on my Wonder Years. I loved being 12...I loved living in Okinawa. I miss it. Being Military dependents is an exciting life. We moved from station to station...but Okinawa was the best time. But being Military brats...we never grew up with our best friends. Either my dad got a new assignment or my friends father got new orders. So even though we really did not spend a long time together...she made a major impact on my life. Reliving those memories with her felt almost like going back in time...when life was easy, fun, wonderful. If I remember correctly her family got transferred out of Okinawa first to California I think. My dad ended up retiring in Guam right after my 9th grade.Anyway it was so wonderful talking back & forth with Olivia.
But then things of course took a terrible turn and I lost Mariko. And to deal with my lose I have been dedicating a lot of my space to her. A lot of you have been there for me ..writing to me...responding to my blogs sharing your love, memories, thoughts about Mariko. I will forever be grateful to all of you. But the one person I didn't hear from was Olivia. She never said anything. I know that's she's been on....and finally 7 months later I finally brought it up to her in a message and she did offer her condolences. But I guess you can say I was disappointed & hurt.But then I realized something...we really only know the 12 year old us's...not who we are now. We really don't have much investment in each other's lives except for that short memory 38 years ago. So I sent the message below to her in a blog. It may seem a little harsh...but I like to think it was more a release of expectations or obligations. And hopefully a beginning!"It was great 'looking' back on those days...but it's sad because we can't go back.All the life experiences we've lived through, people that have come and gone through the years, places we have lived, & where we are RIGHT NOW in our lives...have made us completely different people than who we were when we were 12! Yes, 12 WAS my Wonder Years....But I'm 50 now!!! I'm no longer who I was back then. I love the Olivia from when we were 12...I don't know the Olivia of now...and she does not know me either. I like to think that maybe we have retained a little bit of who we were somewhere deep inside. But we have taken completely different paths in our lives, and it's scary to think that we can somehow be disillusioned by our expectation based on memories of being 12.So lets hold onto the memories as long as we can...and hopefully grow from there.I love you Olivia of 12... you were one of my best friends."to be continued...
August 26, 2006I'm so proud of Kari & Momi. I'm proud that they are still learning, working, growing on their love of music. I love their band "The Candy Bombardiers". Their just starting to get their band going...putting their music out there for people to listen too. I know it's not everyone's taste in music. But I love it. Their style is Punk/ Garage/ Ska style...but they also play beautiful music that sounds I guess a little like Indie, alternative. But they will not put that sound out there because they prefer the Punk sound. I being older would love them to put out the other style...but that's not them. They finally have 3 new songs on their My space Music site (http://www.myspace.com/candybombardiers) . But they have so many older songs that I love that they haven't recorded yet. Like one of my favorites is called "Pluto is a Planet you Bastards"...hahaha! It's a great song. And of course..."Keiko on the Beach"! umhm! But my song is islandy...and it's another song that they will not put out there. But it's on my IPOD!
Anyway what I wanted to talk about is something that makes me feel reassured in my role as a parent. Last week Tom & I were concerned...worried about Kari's future because she's a senior now. We wanted to see what she had planned for her future. We wanted to 'know' if she had a plan. If it's music...then fine. Get Serious. If it's going on to College fine. If it's Art...writing...film....ect... We just wanted her to have a plan and work hard for it. To start formulating it in her head. But whatever she decided then she needs to move towards that goal and we will support her no matter what it is. She is pulled in so many directions and she needed to take a step towards completing one thing.
This past weekend she got busy. Kari and her band played...recorded music all day Saturday until 1:00am Sunday morning finally placing their new songs on my space. It's actually real hard recording a song. You don't just play and then record it until you get it right. Each individual had to record their part and then it's re-mastered into one sound by the recorder. So the guitar is played alone & recorded until it's right. Then the bass is recorded. Then the vocal...ect.... It's actually more difficult then it sounds. You have to make sure the instruments are tuned There's a million buttons on the recorder that needs to be adjusted to get the right sound, tone, ect... They are doing this on their own...It's not professionally recorded obviously. But it sounds great. You should hear them live.
It's a start! And I'm extremely proud. (By the way ...this is done in my living room...hahaha. No fancy studio. There was a lot of shushing, quiet, recording called out that day). I'm proud of Kari (Guitar), Kayla (Bass), Ariel (singer), & Momi (drums)...you'll hear Momi in a future song that I unfortunately...accidentally unplugged the recorder & they lost the song, and they will have to start all over. It was almost midnight & I felt horrible because they were almost done. (They forgave me... hahaha). But they all take part in writing songs & music. It's quite a process and Tom & I are enjoying every minute.
But the most wonderful thing is she wrote the song "Can't look Back" after our talk. She actually listened to us. She used to always say "I don't want to grow up"..."I want to be a Kid"! The band actually played a more melodic version of the song and it was very beautiful. But you'll only hear the Punk version. But the softer version touched my heart. I have written down the words below in case you don't catch it at first in the punk version...because it has a lot of meaning & thought.
Time....I'm running out of time.....
Back....Can I take it all back? ....
Now... I'll give it all up now...
You... I'll give it all to you.......
But it's too late I can't look back no more.......
But it's too late I can't look back no more
I.... I need to find a life.......
No....no more of my low life.......
What....will happen when it's all done?.......
Can.... you tear that question from my head?....
Why....Why do I ask why?.......
By... Can I ask to get by?....
I'll get by so I won't ask why....... Oh no...........to be continue...
August 31, 2008Yesterday was the 70th birthday party of a former friend & coworker...and a reunion of sorts. Old friends & coworkers were gathered together to help celebrate his birthday. It was great seeing old friends that have left the company we once worked together at. I missed so many of them. Some I keep in contact with regularly, and others I hear from a few times a year. Which makes me contemplate "friendships", and the true meaning of what being a friend really means. I know that when we all worked together we were so close...or as close as co-workers are capable of. In this age and time it's really hard to classify co-workers as friends. We have a commonality in that we have to basically coexist at our Company...and therefore get to know as much as we are able to in an 8 hour period day in & day out. But once we leave that office or job for the day our focus changes to our 'real' life...our real friends & family.
So are co-workers really just glorified acquaintances? We spend the day sharing our feelings about the job, or how we feel about the Company, or how we feel about fellow co-workers & bosses. Some days are better than others. We tend to gravitate toward certain groups...mainly the one who we work closes with, your cultural likeness, your years at the Company, & finally your "position" within the Company. Sometimes there is a forced congeniality because we are "adults" & professional...but in our 'real' life we probably wouldn't even consider ourselves friends.
However, there are a few exceptions...for me there's one true friend in particular who never really let me down, or never made me feel less valued. Her name is Melissa. She left the Company a while back...but it's amazing how when I saw her again for the first time in such a long time.. it's as if we never were apart.
I've come to the conclusion that friendship that matter's is a two way street. You "get" what you "give"! Melissa knows more about me than people that I see on a daily basis. This is because she genuinely cares about me, and is interested in what happens to me, or what I have to say. And the feeling is mutual. She can read me like a book, and she always know just the right thing to say to me.
So what I'm trying to say is how much precious time are you willing to invest in your friendships? Especially now-a-days time is flying by so fast. We have so much on our plates...family, home, kids, bills, jobs, ect. Is one true friend enough for us...or do we have many? I think friends love each other no matter what...you forgive each other's annoyances & mistakes. You stand by them when they are not themselves. You stand by them when they let you down. You stand by them when they piss you off. You stand by them because you've invested time, care, & love on them and you're not willing to easily disregard them. Your share a history with them. You don't ever make them feel like they're invisible, or not valuable to your life. And trust me I've felt invisible a lot in my life...never more so then when Mariko died. Mainly because I don't think people know how to be around me...and I don't blame them really. But some people like Melissa...didn't allow me to become invisible to her. She comforted me and continues to do so everyday. She never forgot what Mariko meant to me, and even though Mari's gone she knows she's alive every day in my heart.
I know I have let people down. I know I have pissed people off. I know I can be off-putting, unapproachable, & quiet. I also want people to know & understand that it's because I have flashes of missing Mariko throughout my day. But can they still stick by me no matter what? I don't think all of them could. I just know the ones that can! There are (like I said exceptions), and I hope they know who they are. I'm just focusing on Melissa because I think she's grand, but there are many others as well that are worth my precious time...that I will fight for & not let go of. Friends who know me well enough to excuse my foolishness & idiosyncrasies...and still love me!September 1, 2008Today I was driving home from visiting Mariko with Tom. You know how when you are driving your mind wanders and jumps from thought to thought? It's amazing how we get from point A to point B sometimes, because our minds are racing along with the day. Suddenly I had a flash of finding Mariko on the bus that horrible day...I saw her clearly as if I were right back there in time...and my heart jumped so suddenly, and the pain was so intense that I burst into tears. I just had a waking Nightmare!to be continued...
A good friend of mine lost her relatives Sunday in a random act of violence. Again I think if they had left just 1 minute later, or 1 minute earlier...then they would not have been at that one place, at that one moment. It would have all turned out differently. This life good or bad would have gone on.
But we can't know the events that play into the course of our life. We just go on blindly through our day, with a bit of faith that we will lay our heads down softly at night in the safety and comfort of our homes...too start all over again the next day...& the next. I pray for the family and the pain they will have to somehow live through...but they will good or bad go on. Just like me. Just like all that love and miss Mariko dearly everyday!to be continued...
June 26, 2009Today was a day of mixed emotions. Tom, me, Kari, & Momi went to visit Mariko's class for the first time since she passed away. This was where she spent her last day. We brought pizza, soda's, and cake for the class. We were greeted so warmly by the teachers, staff, & the sweet, sweet kids. I of course fought to hold back tears the whole time. There were memories of Mariko all over the room. Her desk was as it was that last day. Her desk, her school work...her name tag.... There were pictures all around the room with Mariko and her classmates. There was a memorial poster of Mariko from her friends on the door.
I lost it a few times when I saw the painted flower pots the kids were making...one of them was painted with "I love Mari", on Roberts desk was all the nicknames he had for her so he wouldn't forget them...like Shortie, Short-stuff, ect... And the most heartbreaking thing was the target bag from their very last shopping trip (Mariko worked a couple of hours with the CTA and earned a paycheck that they would go shopping with). In the bag she had bought with her own money were brand new sets of headbands & chap-stick. She loved target...she loved headbands...she loved lipstick & chap-stick. It was so her! Tom lost it then.
The great part of the visit was having lunch with all the kids and the teachers. We shared all the wonderful memories of Mariko. They presented us with the most beautiful angel bird-bath made of stone for our garden. It has a heavy pedestal & a large bowl and a beautiful angel sitting on the edge of the bowl with her toes dangling in the water. The underside of the bowl was signed by all the staff and kids. This is their everlasting memorial to Mariko, given to us with Love. We will treasure it forever.
As we walked to the school bus to say goodbye to the kids...Mariko's bus driver came out and gave me a big hug. He was with me that horrible last moments & we helped each other. I know this loss...has forever had a profound effect on his life. He will always love & remember Mariko. He is a truly good man...and I believe he would have done anything to save her if he could.to be continued..
June 30, 2008Tomorrow is the funeral of my friends 3 relatives... I can only imagine how horrific the loss of 3 family members in one swift moment can impact their lives so deeply. I can't accept losing Mariko...let alone 2 others so suddenly. The shock ...the emptiness...the quiet.. must be so unbearable. This murderer...sociopath...pure evil... has so arbitrarily...so easily taken away the lives of 3 innocent people without a thought. They did nothing to him...they didn't know him... they by chance were there at the worst possible moment. The 2 younger members had their whole lives ahead of them. He crashed into the lives of this family and robbed them all of innocence, and a sense of security. He brought fear, hate, and unimaginable pain to this family. For What? It doesn't make sense. But nothing makes sense lately
I wish I could write about something grand & uplifting...but everywhere I turn has been so full of sorrow. Or maybe it's because I'm still in that sad place...that's all I can see because the haze hasn't be lifted yet. Could someone please tell me something amazing...joyous...Grand? Could someone explain to me why? I need to see the Good in this life we live! Yes I know I have love ...I have Tom, Momi & Kari. But I want to see beyond that!
We all need Hope. And for those of us with children...we want to know that we are leaving them a Life...a World of goodness...a World without so much fear! Is a blessed life to much to ask for?
I want to 'shake' the World and tell them to be better. To appreciate what we have Now. To be better, descent, loving, caring, joyous, faithful, selfless! But we are all so sad, selfish, insecure, angry...(including me)! Please God make me better now! to be continued..
July 12, 2008I've been on vacation since July 4th...and I've been very sick since the 4th as well. Now my vacation is almost over, and I'm supposed to get back to work on the 14th. It figures right...I've been looking forward to time off for so long. It's been a rough year and I really needed it, but instead of getting any rest, quality time with the family, and any sense of renewal...I've been fighting this chest cold or whatever it is from day 1 of my vacation and I haven't been able to shake it yet either. I went to the doctor on July 7th...I got a prescription for antibiotics, and an inhaler, vitamins....and oh yeah 'anti-depressants'. My doctor insists that I'm extremely depressed, and that is why I have been sick for most of the year so far. My immune system is shot. I already have auto-immune problems with my Rheumatoid Arthritis...but the depression is causing me to not be able to fight normal colds and illnesses well. This is having a toll on my wellness. I guess losing a child will do that. OF COURSE I'm depressed...I don't need a f**king doctor to tell me that. One catch though...I can't take the anti-depressant pills until I feel better....and I can't seem to feel better because I'm sick and depressed. Talk about 'Catch 22'!!Sh*t...Sh*t...Sh*t.....I hate being sick. I hate that my vacation is almost over. I hate that I didn't get to do half the things I wanted to do over vacation. I hate that I have to work. And most of all I hate that Life is absolutely sh*ty without Mariko.F**KKKKKKK!!!!!
July 25, 2008I know I haven't written anything for a while. I have been absolutely ill lately. I'm beginning to feel better after like 3 weeks. I had a CT Scan yesterday because my doctor couldn't read my chest x-ray very well. I'm assuming it's nothing...but who knows until I hear the results probably next week. The thing is I'm not afraid...even when the doctor told me there's some sort of mass in the chest x-ray. I guess I'm thinking if it's serious then how can death be so bad...because Mariko is with the Angels right and I told her I would see her soon?? And if everything is OK then I have Tom, Kari, and Momi for a while longer. So either way I'm cool with it.
I know you reading this will think I've totally lost my mind. But that's where I'm at right now so just bear with me. Like I've said before I'm so tired. The only problem is that this would be absolutely devastating to my family...but I want them to know that I am not afraid. I guess realistically I don't want them to go through more suffering...so I hope I'm OK for now. Anyway...on the lighter side of it if I were really sick I would be losing weight right? And as far as I can tell I'm putting on weight with absolutely no problems at all...hahahaha! Shit!
Tomorrow is my dear Kari's 17th birthday party. I think she will have a great time ...but I won't spoil the surprise yet just in case she sees this. But her friends in they own unique way has come up with amazing..."interesting"...funny plans for the day. I'll probably go into details later. But one thing they got her is so off the wall ...that it's way COOL.
One cool thing I want to share is that I LOVE my IPOD. I have so many songs that help me escape and helps calm me. But the coolest thing about my IPOD is that I have several songs by Kari's band The Candy Bombardiers that they recorded...including the song Tom wrote the lyrics for our anniversary, and Kari and the band wrote the music. Isn't that way cool? Of course the recordings are not that good because that's their first attempt at recording on the recorder we got for Kari a few years back. But all they need to do is tweak it a bit to get it just right. They sound is mainly punk rock...except my song is more Islandy. Today they played in front of Safeway for like an hour and made $20.00 bucks in change & bills by people going in and out. hahahaha...their first paycheck! I think they're so great.
My friend Melissa & I are writing a song for their band. As soon as we finish it I will share the lyrics. But I think it's so them. It's about how they are judged by how they look...and not by who they really are. People look at them and assume they do drugs. They don't. They assume that they're losers...but they are so talented, creative, artistic, smart, and cool. And most of all they are Kind. A couple of jocks even approached them and started a fight. But the kids stood their ground and wouldn't fight but told that that's so not cool. The jocks were drunk and even apologized the following week. They have had stuff thrown at them when their mining their own business, and yelled at for being different. So the song is about that. About being judged! I guess in a way we can all relate to that. If you see Kari and her band they are a little different. Kari currently has green hair with a nose ring. She's the guitarist. Ariel has purple hair and a lip ring (not on the sides or snakebites)...but in the very center of her lower lip. She's lead vocals and she plays the accordion, tambourine, and maracas. Kayla has red/orange hair and she is the lead bass. Greg is blond and plays rhythm guitar and vocals. And Ian plays the drums. Momi is in their other group The Kings of Rock & Roll and she sings and plays the electric bass. They live and breath music. They even love the oldies like The Clash, Bob Dylan, Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, Beach Boys, Crosby, Stills, Nash, ect...ect...
My hope for them is that they can someday make a living with music. They don't need to be rich and famous...but enough to have regular gigs. What they need is a manager. But right now they're young and enjoying their lives and that's all I can ask for. I don't want to ever discourage their dreams. I can't see Kari working in a cubicle like me for the rest of her life. I actually want her to love what she does and that way she will have a fulfilling life. Isn't that what all of us want for our kids ...to be happy and love their lives. You can have all the education in the World...but if you end up doing something that doesn't make you happy then what's the point? I realize that life IS short...so do what you love and love what you do...while you can! I know I can't say the same for myself...my job is just that...a job! I never grew up imagining ...ooohhhh I want to work everyday in a small cubicle pushing papers back and forth, day after day...bitching about this...bitching about that. And yet I wake up every day with that responsibility.
But it's not too late for the kids if that's really what they want...to be free and happy. It's not unheard of...for every person that hates their 'jobs'...there's someone out there that's living their dreams whatever it may be. to be continued...
August 1, 2008Today I was having my daily email conversation with one of my best friends Melissa. We never get to see each other any more...but we stay close with daily emails. Sometimes a quick hello and how's it going, to several exchanges back & forth depending on what's going on in our lives. Well today she sent me a couple of verses of Bob Marley’s song to make me happy, cause she always knows when I'm going through stuff or feeling like sh*t.. It's called Three Little Birds. One part of it goes "Don't worry bout a thing...cause every little things gonna be alright..." And of course I cried because it reminded me of a time with Mariko. But it was a 'sweet' cry.
One day Tom, me, & the kids were having a horrible day. We were all pissed off...I don't even remember why? That's not important. I remember we all got in the car and you knew it was going to be a tense drive home. Tom started the car and that song was playing on the radio. Back then for some reason Mariko always sat in the back of the van. Kari & Momi in the middle. She liked the very back of the van back then. Anyway ...when that song came on Tom looked in the rear view mirror and saw Mariko with her arms in the air ...pumping her little arms & swaying her body to the beat of the song with the biggest, brightest smile on her face...singing along "Don't worry bout a thing...every little thing's gonna be alright.". Of course we all turned around and laughed and in that instant with her... ALL of our moods changed and the tension was lifted. She made us all so very happy.
If we could all be a little bit like Mariko...maybe we could let go of stupid, insignificant stuff easier. Maybe we could not hold on to grudges, minor slights, indignation, jealousy & hate. Mariko never, ever stayed mad or upset with anyone. Sure she got mad...but it never stayed with her. She forgot in an instant almost the moment you felt bad & apologized to her, or were kind to her...she always forgave you! But most importantly it was as if nothing ever happened...as if she didn't remember being mad at you at all.
Melissa's a lot like Mariko I think...so sweet , kind , happy , forgiving , caring & very loving! She knows just the right thing to say or do to instantly change your mood for the better.
This is for all of you out there who could use a little bit of love & encouragement....a little bit of Mariko, Melissa, & Marley...
"Don't worry about a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright.Singing': "Don't worry about a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright!"Rise up this mornin',Smiled with the risin' sun,Three little birdsPitch by my doorstepSingin' sweet songsOf melodies pure and true,Saying', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")Singing': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright."Singing': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be alright!"to be continued...
August 8, 2008I still haven't gotten my voice back ...it's been like a month now. My doctor said I need to stop talking...which is impossible with a house full of teens, and having to talk (well strained whisper) at work. She gives me "the look" when I tell her I can't not talk...and say's that it's going to take longer to get my voice back then. Oh well. Of course Kari & Momi pull the standard ..."What...what did you say...I can't hear you", when I'm telling them to do or clean something. hahaha!!
A cool thing about work (wait...what? haha...), is that we started a "Virtual Walk". Which means a bunch of us are walking the distant to Santa Cruz, CA. (60 miles), during our break. We've started walking a mile everyday at around 1000am, or whenever you can fit the walk in during your morning or afternoon breaks. Probably it's like almost 50 people walking I think? Anyways it should take us like 3 months. We completed 6 straight work days (We started Aug 1st), and it's getting a lot easier already...considering I haven't really had regular exercise in a long time. We should all be able to walk a mile in 13 minutes soon! I know it's been only a week but I can feel the difference already. I've also cut back on carbs & sugar...so I really think it's working. I promised my doctor I'd lose 10-20 lbs in 3 months. Like I mentioned previously I've gained quite a bit of weight since Mariko passed away due to depression, and mentally I understand that...so I'm trying to start taking better care of myself.
You remember earlier I had sort of a medical scare and of course I thought the worse...but I didn't care. I just dreaded going through all the crap you go through with cancer or whatever...and dealing with handling it all & worrying about Tom & the girls. So just before I went to the doctors appointment where I was going to get the results of the CT Scan...I stopped at the cemetery to talk to Mariko. I asked her if it was time to go & if yes... then I couldn't wait to see her again...But if she felt that Tom & the girls still needed me... that I was going to be OK. And I left there with a great sense of peace. Because Mariko was listening to me. So when the doctor came in I was so calm. I do have stuff to take care of...but I'm generally in good health. No cancer...no mass that the x-ray saw...
One last thing I went to target tonight to get some school supplies for Momi & Kari...I was standing in the middle of Target crying...because this is the time of year that I always stock-up on notebooks that Mariko stenciled in every single day. She loved notebooks, pens, & markers...$6.00 for a whole case. I can't believe that just last August for back to school shopping, she was with me getting those notebooks that meant so much to her.to be continued...
August 11, 2008Today I spent the whole day with Momi doing back to school shopping...mainly for new clothes for her. School starts in about 3 weeks. We hit so many stores and Momi normally knows what she likes. She does NOT depend on me to tell her what to get or what looks good on her...basically she would not listen to me about what she does or doesn't like. She tries clothes on and even if I say it looks so cute...she will not go with my opinion or anyone else's for that matter. She likes what she likes. She actually looks great in anything. She never has problems finding clothes like me. I struggle with it constantly and appreciate all the help I can get. I think I miss being skinnier because I could wear anything and feel pretty much good about it.
But when you're overweight you get disgusted with yourself trying to find anything ...even a sack to feel better about yourself. lol! I know this has been the dilemma for many, many women & men too I reckon. So when a skinny person say's I need to lose weight or they can't find anything to wear...I just want to slap em' hahaha. Joke!!It was easy shopping for Momi and Kari is always easy because she basically likes it simple. (And she doesn't give a shit about vanity! hahaha!) She mainly wants jeans, band T-shirts, & cool flannels. So tomorrow is Kari's turn. It's too simple...last year I was buying all new clothes for Mariko as well. She was a little more difficult to shop for. It was always hard to fit her because she was very tiny...short...but wider then little kids. She got tired of shopping easily, and I always had to help her try on everything because it was difficult for her to dress herself...until we found clothes that were age appropriate (not kids styles ...after all she was 20 at the time). We tried so much clothes until we were both so tired & often frustrated because it was so hard to find anything. She would say "Let's go home now"...while I wanted to get this done on our short weekends as it was...and I'd beg her just please try on a few things more. Until we were both near tears. But I would give anything to take her back-to-school shopping again. If I would have only known at the time that this was the very last back to school shopping trip with her...I would have treasured that time...I'm sorry Mariko. I miss everything about you so much...even the hard stuff!to be continues...
August 12, 2008I'm sure a lot of you heard or will hear about the controversy surrounding the movie 'Tropic Thunder'. The new Ben Stiller, Jack Black comedy that just came out in theaters. There are a lot of people that are probably anxiously awaiting the weekend to go and see it. Personally I wanted to see the movie myself until I heard about the controversy. Yes, I heard there is quite a bit of the word "retard" used in the movie. That word is frankly not much of a surprise to me...as I've mentioned earlier the word is almost as common as "Hello" now a days. But I read a more disturbing thing that they show in the movie centering around a photo of a child with Down Syndrome and a joke in very poor taste. Anyone who knows me knows that Mariko had Down Syndrome. So yes...it's very personal to me and my family. But the sad part of all of this is how desensitized we have become as a society...for people to accept the degradation of those who are unable to defend themselves. People say "come on...have a sense of humor"... It's a joke...a parody! But damn it I have a great sense of humor...but just not at the expense of the innocent who are unable to speak for themselves. There has got to be a line drawn...someone has to stand up and say "You have gone too far!". That it's just not funny. I refuse to dishonor the memory of my child by seeing this movie for a sick laugh. Would it be acceptable to go up to a disabled person and call them a "retard"...or you're "stupid" and laugh in their face. Then why is it OK on the big screen for millions of people to see & laugh at?I don't expect people to understand. But Mariko was not born whole...and she had to pay the price for it when people stared at her, or giggled, or called her Chucky Doll. She was aware enough to ask..."Mommy ...my face wrong?".So fuck all of those people out there who tell me to have a sense of humor. It's only a comedy...lighten up. Because they did not have a Mariko in their lives. Their children are healthy, perfect, they didn't have to struggle with hospitals, special schools, little yellow buses for the "retards", stares from strangers. They have NO fucking idea what it's like to be disabled or had to struggle with having a loved one with disabilities.So go enjoy the movie and have a good laugh...at Mariko!!!!to be continued.... (Sorry to all my caring friends...this controversy has touched a powerful nerve in me...and I am angry)!!
August 12, 2008 late eveningPlease don't let my personal views affect your decisions one way or the other. I was venting! I have no right to tell anyone how to live their lives. I have no right to judge anyone. I have made plenty of mistakes myself. I just get angry when people tell me how to feel. I know how I feel. The film in MY opinion is hurtful. But how I feel or what I believe right or wrong should not be forced on others... or I would be doing to you, what I hate having done to me. I will not watch this movie...but you 're not living my life or know Mariko as I did. And you may most definitely have your own opinions about what is funny. I'm almost certain that this movie will be hilarious...(until it gets to the parts that will stab at my heart when Mari's face flashes in my mind).Please keep in mind my pain is still real & fresh in my heart... and this pain is not yours!to be continued...
August 15,2008I was hoping that I would get a lot more comments concerning my rant against that movie. Maybe some outrageous indignation against the movie, maybe promises that you will not watch the movie either, maybe some moral support, or maybe someone telling me to just lighten up...it's only a comedy! Maybe a little bit of something.But looking back on what I wrote, I guess it would be hard to say anything. You're not emotionally invested as I am. I already know that this does not affect you personally as it does me. I have acquaintances...friends...but really you are just on the outside looking in. I'm the one who invited you to look into my life by opening up in my blog for Mariko. I understand that you really have no emotional investment, other than empathy for someone else's pain. (Which I do appreciate all of your kind words & thoughts about Mariko). But you all have your own lives, family, friends,... & beliefs. By openly writing about Mariko...it's almost like watching a sad movie, or whatever your feelings might be about what I write. You may shed a tear, laugh, sympathize, become bored, or you may not understand the plot.. So once you sign out (like exiting the movie theater), you move on with your lives. As it should be...as I myself would do. But I'm still living it. I never thought I would open up as I have. I guess it helps me deal somewhat. I still cry all the time. I still find it hard to believe everything that's happened. I still can't accept not seeing her again. When you watch a sad movie...the people go through a lot of sorrow & anger, but then towards the end there is always a little glimmer of hope or acceptance. I wonder what happens after the credits roll?? Because I really don't know that I will ever be better. People tell me all the time that it gets better. Or they look at me as if I never lost my baby...like I must be over it.
But do you not see how I've changed? I'm not the Keiko of before 01/08/08. Mariko has had a profound affect on me from her life & now after she's gone. Someone told me I have to stop going to see her everyday. That it's not good for me & it's not allowing me to heal. But how do I stop? If I don't see her then I feel worse. If I don't see her during my lunch hour...then I must see her after work. Who else will water her flowers and make sure everything is OK? I fear when I don't go. Tell me... if you lost your child could you stop? If yes...then tell me how? See...just like after the credit rolls in the sad movie we all wish for the best...but we really don't know if everything is going to be alright for the main characters. We play out all kinds of scenarios in our mind and sometimes pick the one we can live with.to be continued...
August 16, 2008I've been reading commentaries, articles online about Tropic Thunder...and I realize I am too close to the subject to give an objective opinion. Perhaps I am over-reacting. Perhaps I am taking it all the wrong way. I guess I will never know unless I see for myself. But if I cringe every time I hear someone in passing say 'retard', that's 'retarded', you're 'retarded'... then how can I sit through a whole movie that's constantly spewing that word & making fun of an actor wanting to portray a "retard" in order to get an academy award? I have spoken to a few people over the years, that were unknowingly using that word, and asked them to please not use it around me. They then realize that I have a daughter with a mental disability and quickly apologize and say they were not thinking. Like I said the word is used so often now a day that it's almost automatic for some...especially young people. But one thing that really, really got to me is how you know after a popular movie there's always t-shirts, cups, notebooks, ect...to promote the movie. Like with Star Wars or Harry Potter you can get a t-shirt, products of every character from that movie.. which Mariko loved. The problem with Tropic Thunder is that there is already a t-shirt out that say's "Full Retard"...that means the actor was told or believes in order to get the academy award for playing a person with a disability he would have to play the Full Retard! Now how many of you would have laughed at that? And if you laugh...would it make you feel uncomfortable after? Or would you just laugh & forget about it. For myself it would have hurt. So I guess Mariko was the Full Retard...right??? But I don't think it's funny at all because I lived through her struggles.August 21, 2009Some of you know that towards the end of last year when some friends of mine first made a 'my space' for me...I started looking up old friends from when I was young. Of course I couldn't find anyone. For one thing I'm 'Old'...and for another most of my old girlfriends probably got married and their last names have changed. But miracles of miracles I found one of my best friends from when I was 12 years old. She never married. At first when I looked at her pictures I couldn't recognize her. But then I studied her pictures and saw in her eyes the Olivia I knew in the 7th grade. Like me she was half Japanese. But a 'blond' Japanese. She also had a lot of freckles. But it was all in her eyes...the Japanese eyes. She's absolutely beautiful. Well the excitement was overwhelming and we shared all the memories we had when we were 12 in Okinawa. The things we did...the places...what was "in"...life as military brats, ect... It was so much fun looking back on my Wonder Years. I loved being 12...I loved living in Okinawa. I miss it. Being Military dependents is an exciting life. We moved from station to station...but Okinawa was the best time. But being Military brats...we never grew up with our best friends. Either my dad got a new assignment or my friends father got new orders. So even though we really did not spend a long time together...she made a major impact on my life. Reliving those memories with her felt almost like going back in time...when life was easy, fun, wonderful. If I remember correctly her family got transferred out of Okinawa first to California I think. My dad ended up retiring in Guam right after my 9th grade.Anyway it was so wonderful talking back & forth with Olivia.
But then things of course took a terrible turn and I lost Mariko. And to deal with my lose I have been dedicating a lot of my space to her. A lot of you have been there for me ..writing to me...responding to my blogs sharing your love, memories, thoughts about Mariko. I will forever be grateful to all of you. But the one person I didn't hear from was Olivia. She never said anything. I know that's she's been on....and finally 7 months later I finally brought it up to her in a message and she did offer her condolences. But I guess you can say I was disappointed & hurt.But then I realized something...we really only know the 12 year old us's...not who we are now. We really don't have much investment in each other's lives except for that short memory 38 years ago. So I sent the message below to her in a blog. It may seem a little harsh...but I like to think it was more a release of expectations or obligations. And hopefully a beginning!"It was great 'looking' back on those days...but it's sad because we can't go back.All the life experiences we've lived through, people that have come and gone through the years, places we have lived, & where we are RIGHT NOW in our lives...have made us completely different people than who we were when we were 12! Yes, 12 WAS my Wonder Years....But I'm 50 now!!! I'm no longer who I was back then. I love the Olivia from when we were 12...I don't know the Olivia of now...and she does not know me either. I like to think that maybe we have retained a little bit of who we were somewhere deep inside. But we have taken completely different paths in our lives, and it's scary to think that we can somehow be disillusioned by our expectation based on memories of being 12.So lets hold onto the memories as long as we can...and hopefully grow from there.I love you Olivia of 12... you were one of my best friends."to be continued...
August 26, 2006I'm so proud of Kari & Momi. I'm proud that they are still learning, working, growing on their love of music. I love their band "The Candy Bombardiers". Their just starting to get their band going...putting their music out there for people to listen too. I know it's not everyone's taste in music. But I love it. Their style is Punk/ Garage/ Ska style...but they also play beautiful music that sounds I guess a little like Indie, alternative. But they will not put that sound out there because they prefer the Punk sound. I being older would love them to put out the other style...but that's not them. They finally have 3 new songs on their My space Music site (http://www.myspace.com/candybombardiers) . But they have so many older songs that I love that they haven't recorded yet. Like one of my favorites is called "Pluto is a Planet you Bastards"...hahaha! It's a great song. And of course..."Keiko on the Beach"! umhm! But my song is islandy...and it's another song that they will not put out there. But it's on my IPOD!
Anyway what I wanted to talk about is something that makes me feel reassured in my role as a parent. Last week Tom & I were concerned...worried about Kari's future because she's a senior now. We wanted to see what she had planned for her future. We wanted to 'know' if she had a plan. If it's music...then fine. Get Serious. If it's going on to College fine. If it's Art...writing...film....ect... We just wanted her to have a plan and work hard for it. To start formulating it in her head. But whatever she decided then she needs to move towards that goal and we will support her no matter what it is. She is pulled in so many directions and she needed to take a step towards completing one thing.
This past weekend she got busy. Kari and her band played...recorded music all day Saturday until 1:00am Sunday morning finally placing their new songs on my space. It's actually real hard recording a song. You don't just play and then record it until you get it right. Each individual had to record their part and then it's re-mastered into one sound by the recorder. So the guitar is played alone & recorded until it's right. Then the bass is recorded. Then the vocal...ect.... It's actually more difficult then it sounds. You have to make sure the instruments are tuned There's a million buttons on the recorder that needs to be adjusted to get the right sound, tone, ect... They are doing this on their own...It's not professionally recorded obviously. But it sounds great. You should hear them live.
It's a start! And I'm extremely proud. (By the way ...this is done in my living room...hahaha. No fancy studio. There was a lot of shushing, quiet, recording called out that day). I'm proud of Kari (Guitar), Kayla (Bass), Ariel (singer), & Momi (drums)...you'll hear Momi in a future song that I unfortunately...accidentally unplugged the recorder & they lost the song, and they will have to start all over. It was almost midnight & I felt horrible because they were almost done. (They forgave me... hahaha). But they all take part in writing songs & music. It's quite a process and Tom & I are enjoying every minute.
But the most wonderful thing is she wrote the song "Can't look Back" after our talk. She actually listened to us. She used to always say "I don't want to grow up"..."I want to be a Kid"! The band actually played a more melodic version of the song and it was very beautiful. But you'll only hear the Punk version. But the softer version touched my heart. I have written down the words below in case you don't catch it at first in the punk version...because it has a lot of meaning & thought.
Time....I'm running out of time.....
Back....Can I take it all back? ....
Now... I'll give it all up now...
You... I'll give it all to you.......
But it's too late I can't look back no more.......
But it's too late I can't look back no more
I.... I need to find a life.......
No....no more of my low life.......
What....will happen when it's all done?.......
Can.... you tear that question from my head?....
Why....Why do I ask why?.......
By... Can I ask to get by?....
I'll get by so I won't ask why....... Oh no...........to be continue...
August 31, 2008Yesterday was the 70th birthday party of a former friend & coworker...and a reunion of sorts. Old friends & coworkers were gathered together to help celebrate his birthday. It was great seeing old friends that have left the company we once worked together at. I missed so many of them. Some I keep in contact with regularly, and others I hear from a few times a year. Which makes me contemplate "friendships", and the true meaning of what being a friend really means. I know that when we all worked together we were so close...or as close as co-workers are capable of. In this age and time it's really hard to classify co-workers as friends. We have a commonality in that we have to basically coexist at our Company...and therefore get to know as much as we are able to in an 8 hour period day in & day out. But once we leave that office or job for the day our focus changes to our 'real' life...our real friends & family.
So are co-workers really just glorified acquaintances? We spend the day sharing our feelings about the job, or how we feel about the Company, or how we feel about fellow co-workers & bosses. Some days are better than others. We tend to gravitate toward certain groups...mainly the one who we work closes with, your cultural likeness, your years at the Company, & finally your "position" within the Company. Sometimes there is a forced congeniality because we are "adults" & professional...but in our 'real' life we probably wouldn't even consider ourselves friends.
However, there are a few exceptions...for me there's one true friend in particular who never really let me down, or never made me feel less valued. Her name is Melissa. She left the Company a while back...but it's amazing how when I saw her again for the first time in such a long time.. it's as if we never were apart.
I've come to the conclusion that friendship that matter's is a two way street. You "get" what you "give"! Melissa knows more about me than people that I see on a daily basis. This is because she genuinely cares about me, and is interested in what happens to me, or what I have to say. And the feeling is mutual. She can read me like a book, and she always know just the right thing to say to me.
So what I'm trying to say is how much precious time are you willing to invest in your friendships? Especially now-a-days time is flying by so fast. We have so much on our plates...family, home, kids, bills, jobs, ect. Is one true friend enough for us...or do we have many? I think friends love each other no matter what...you forgive each other's annoyances & mistakes. You stand by them when they are not themselves. You stand by them when they let you down. You stand by them when they piss you off. You stand by them because you've invested time, care, & love on them and you're not willing to easily disregard them. Your share a history with them. You don't ever make them feel like they're invisible, or not valuable to your life. And trust me I've felt invisible a lot in my life...never more so then when Mariko died. Mainly because I don't think people know how to be around me...and I don't blame them really. But some people like Melissa...didn't allow me to become invisible to her. She comforted me and continues to do so everyday. She never forgot what Mariko meant to me, and even though Mari's gone she knows she's alive every day in my heart.
I know I have let people down. I know I have pissed people off. I know I can be off-putting, unapproachable, & quiet. I also want people to know & understand that it's because I have flashes of missing Mariko throughout my day. But can they still stick by me no matter what? I don't think all of them could. I just know the ones that can! There are (like I said exceptions), and I hope they know who they are. I'm just focusing on Melissa because I think she's grand, but there are many others as well that are worth my precious time...that I will fight for & not let go of. Friends who know me well enough to excuse my foolishness & idiosyncrasies...and still love me!September 1, 2008Today I was driving home from visiting Mariko with Tom. You know how when you are driving your mind wanders and jumps from thought to thought? It's amazing how we get from point A to point B sometimes, because our minds are racing along with the day. Suddenly I had a flash of finding Mariko on the bus that horrible day...I saw her clearly as if I were right back there in time...and my heart jumped so suddenly, and the pain was so intense that I burst into tears. I just had a waking Nightmare!to be continued...
Part 4
April 16, 2008It's spring break for Kari and Momi. Yesterday Momi was with her friend Lily and Jacob. They were on their way to meet Thai and hang out at Linda Mar Beach.I was at work...I received a call from Momi on my cell phone. I was asking her why she was calling my cell when she was supposed to call my work phone. (Cell phones are not allowed at my job). She screamed in the most terrifying voice "MOM DON'T HANG UP!" My heart sank. She was screaming in terror and talking a million miles a minute. I could not grasp what she was saying. There was so much background noise. My first thought was that she was either being kidnapped, or badly hurt and she was calling for help. I started panicking and keep saying "I can't understand you...what...what's wrong?"
I finally heard through all her screams ".....HIT BY A CAR!" "I screamed what...who...where are you?" I wanted to run to my car but then she either hung up or got disconnected. I screamed Momi...Momi...Momi...as I tried to redial her as fast as I could. No Answer!! I was by then thinking she was hit by the car and she passed out... "Oh my God...Oh my God"...not another child...not my baby!!!!" By then there were people around me trying to help...they were asking me what's going on. I said someone got hit by a car...and they too thought it was Momi. I redialed again and again as I was grabbing my keys and purse... I got through and Momi was still panicking but she managed to scream "LILY got hit by a car". Lily is one of her best friends. I asked "where are you... and she said come to Linda Mar"...and we were disconnected again. I was outside and Louis & Kathy at work wouldn't let me drive. Louis was trying to calm me as I was hyperventilating by then. I kept repeating "Please God...Please God....Please God...don't let her die."By the time we were nearing Linda Mar...we passed an ambulance going the other direction. I was praying please let Momi be OK. First her sister dies and now her friend a couple of months later....Nooooo!!! As we approached Linda Mar Beach we saw all the Police officers...lights...people...Lily's shoe...and skateboard in the middle of the road. And then we saw Momi. She looked OK as we drove up. I jumped out of the car to hug her and shockingly she said ..."NO...don't..." as she held back tears..."I CAN:T!!!" I hugged her anyway. She was in shock...she was hurting...she didn't want to fall apart...and she was Angry!!! Angry that this happened...angry at God maybe...angry at the world...angry at me because I was the easiest target.We went to the emergency room at SF General (Trauma Hospital). Lily is alive...but seriously injured.to be continued...
April 19, 2008Lily is doing fine. Thank God! She was in ICU and had surgery. She had several injuries. But the prognosis is very good. She should be going home soon, but it will take her a couple of months at home to fully recover. She is a beautiful girl, and I'm so grateful that she will have a future to look forward too. And I thank God selfishly that it wasn't Momi.
I've been thinking a lot about that movie 'Sliding doors' with Gweneyth Paltrow. It's about how a moment could change your whole life. If she misses the train her life would go one way...and if she makes the train her life goes in a totally different direction. No one knows when they wake up what the day will hold for them. Sure we have vague plans and schedules...but no one really knows how it's really going to turn out. If Momi and Lily take just 1 more minute to leave Lily's house for instance, that driver would have already gone through that intersection. If Momi was walking in front of Lily...it could have just as easily been her. And if it was her would the results have been the same. I pray every day that God won't do this to me again. He couldn't. But there are families out there who have sadly lost more than one loved one. But again self preservation...hope...faith... doesn't allow me to believe it will ever happen again. Life is so precious and we can't take one day for granted. I can not shelter my kids from the World.. that's not life. I want them to be happy and embrace this short time on earth. I want them to love their life and not be a prisoner of it. But that fear in me also wants them to not leave the house...to be safe...to be protected. But I refuse to rob them of their happiness...so I let them go, and I have to have faith that God doesn't want them yet. Because no one knows the course of their life. No one knows from the day begun how it will unfold...but we go out and we face it every day, good or bad! We have to have faith that the lessons we taught them will help them make wise choices...and that from now on they are aware of their surroundings, and not only aware that they are doing the right thing, but are also watching out what others are doing too.to be continued....
Yesterday there was another sympathy card going around at work. I found out that a co-worker from another office just lost her younger brother. I have not met her personally, but because of business I feel I know her as a friend. She is the most pleasant, upbeat person I deal with on a regular basis. She is never flustered, never rude, never negative in our crazy business dealings. She is soooo nice, and I always find myself smiling whenever I talk to her. Surely she must have been raised in a loving, fun loving family. I was always so amazed at how positive & cool she was about everything. So that is why I cried for her pain yesterday when I heard. I again know what she must be going through. It's been a terrible year so far with so much pain and loss...that it's almost as if I'm almost not surprised. It's more like "What's next...what more can we bare?" And yet life goes on as if this is the norm...which is LIFE. "A time to be born, a time to die"... But never before has it been just a few degree's away from me. Sometimes I feel that I don't want to live this life anymore...I'm so tired! I want to see Mariko again so badly and hold her & kiss her cheeks. But then I will miss so much...Kari, Momi, and Tom still need me. So every day I wake up, and every night I go to sleep... and I try to find the meaning of this life.to be continued...
April 26, 2008I haven't written anything for a little while because I've been feeling lost....empty! I can't explain it very well. It's like I've shoved by feelings aside so that I can cope I guess. I'm almost numb because it makes it easier to go through the daily motions of living. I smile or laugh at the appropriate moments. I get frustrated, angry, and nod in agreement at the appropriate moments...but it all really doesn't mean anything. I find myself forgetting little things. I can't remember from day to day 'The stuff'...like if I paid a bill, what I wore to work the previous day, what day it is, & what I had for dinner on Tuesday, ect.. I guess I just don't care. I've been gaining weight because I 'know' I'm using food as comfort like I've done all my life. I just don't care. I hold it together to go to work...but I don't really care about it. I do my job, I pick up the kids, and then I sit and try to escape into the mind numbing TV. My house is a mess...I have no energy or care to really clean it. I do the bare essentials. I don't plan for the future...not the next day, next week, next month...I just try to get through day to day. My sister says I'm going through 'depression' and that it's understandable considering the circumstances. I see people and I think they already forgot that I had a little girl name Mariko who meant the World to me, and now she's gone. She's gone from their thoughts and memories...and I absolutely can't stand the thought that it will happen to me too. I guess I don't want to feel better, because then it will be like I'm forgetting her. So I go on balancing on this edge between feeling good or bad...this edge of emptiness.to be continued...
April 27, 2008It was an absolutely beautiful weekend. We visited with Mariko a little longer both days...just laid around listening to music that she would have loved.
Today we went to breakfast and the most amazing thing happened while we were waiting for our table. An absolutely beautiful Down Syndrome girl came in with her family. She was so sweet. She had long black hair (just like Mari had), she was 6 years old, and she was wearing this beautiful princess dress. She was with her parents and her older brother & sister. She was so full of joy. The amazing thing was that as soon as she walked into the restaurant she came right up to me and held my hands and she had the most wondrous smile on her face. (I felt like Mariko sent her to me...to remind me that she was happy like this little angel). I was so touched remembering Mariko when she was 6 years old too. The only difference was that she didn't have Mariko's rosy cheeks or purple little fingers. She was healthy. You could tell she was so loved by her parents. She ran right back to her dad and he held her lovingly...just like Tom would have done. Her mother smiled at me and I think it touched her heart that I treated her like any other little girl. She absolutely glowed. I just wanted to tell her parents that I too had a beautiful Down Syndrome girl...but I didn't want to tell her that she just died. I didn't want to let her know that most downs children don't have long life expectancies...at least not as long as "normal" people. But definitely longer than Mariko. So I just sat silently smiling at this joyous little girl. Before we were seated that sweet little girl came back up to me and said a quick greeting again. I told her she was beautiful and I loved her dress...she then pointed her little finger and touched me and said "you"...then to Momi...and Tom. Kari was not with us today but she would have got a kick out of seeing her. The amazing part was that I wasn't sadden by seeing her...instead I was uplifted. What are the odds that a Down Syndrome girl would come into my day, and come immediately up to me when there were so many people around. She came up to me when I needed it most...when I was empty and sad. She reminded me of the pure Joy that was Mariko.to be continued...
April 30, 2008I know I have been focusing on my thoughts and memories of Mariko. But this has actually taken a major toll on Tom. He out of all of us was the closest to Mariko. He is the father, husband...the man of the house, and he has really been trying to keep it...all of us together. But he seems so weary to me right now. The loss of Mariko has hit him so hard. He is the most loving, caring, hard-working, smart, kind, calm, clear-headed man I have ever met. Without him life would not be complete. And so I worry about him.
From the moment I met him I knew that he was the one...never any doubt. Even though my parents literally hated him without even knowing him... I knew he was the best guy out there for me. After our first, brief meeting he wrote his mom in the states, telling her he met the girl he was going to marry. She still has that letter. Even after we were married at Two Lover's Point on Guam, at sunset overlooking the Ocean... my parents still did not like him. They basically would not give him a chance...until they saw him stand by me while I was going through that excruciating labor giving birth to Mariko. He never left my side during that over 24 hour period. He held my hand, fed me ice chips, massaged my back, and spoke to me with love and encouragement. He was my strength. And then when Mariko was finally delivered and he decided to raise her by himself if I couldn't handle it...they too realized the goodness that I've seen all along in Tom. Now I think they love him more than me. hahaha.
You see my parents have lived with the Military for most of their adult life, and they witnessed the treatment of a lot of Caucasian men toward their Asian girlfriends or wives. They thought that Tom would be domineering, demanding, overpowering towards me. While in reality it's quite the opposite...we treat each other with respect, and so much love for the past 25 years.From the moment he held Mariko he loved her with all his heart. She was definitely a 'Daddy's Girl'. Everything he thought or did was always in consideration of Mariko. He smiled from the moment he laid eyes on her, and he couldn't wait to get home to see her & hold her in his arms. He played with her, had meaningful conversations with her as she grew older...he never got tired of giving her all the attention she needed. Because he too needed her attention in return. And more than anything or anyone he understood her, and saw more to her than anyone else could. He also worried about her and felt deeply everything she went through, or was going through. He was dad!May 8, 2008My whole family has been sick with some sort of 'alien' flu. It's severe and we have all had various degree's of pain, cough, exhaustion, ear infections, intestinal issues, vomiting, headache, fever (burning up but freezing at the same time), ect... For some reason in addition to all the loss that has been happening...this is the 3rd major time since just January that we have all fallen ill. Considering that I rarely if ever get sick this has been one hell of a year. I can't help but think of how hard this would have been on Mariko. I believe that had she not passed away from her heart attack...that her weak body would not have been able to handle these illnesses like the rest of us. It has been absolutely debilitating.
Someone told me that the Chinese have predicted that 2008 was going to be a very bad year on the Chinese calendar...from deaths, severe weather, tragedy, illness, ect... And obviously I'm beginning to believe it. It's scary because it's only May of 2008. There's 7 more months to go. I need to lay down.to be continued..
May 11, 2008It's just after midnight...it's Mother's Day. One thing I always knew since I was a little girl was that one day I would have children...that one day I was going to be a mom. That my children will be beautiful & loving kids. That they will grow up to have good lives. I didn't picture the challenges of having a child like Mariko...but those challenges became blessings. So that picture changed a little for the better. That Mariko would be with us during our retirement ages...and when Tom & I finally passed from this World...that her sisters will then take over in the care of her. Never did I believe that I would out-live a child. It's not supposed to happen that way. I knew it was always a possibility, but when I pictured my life...I always pictured Mariko with us. While Kari & Momi would come home for visits...they would also be visiting Mariko as well. So even though it's Mother's Day...it really can't be because a big part of that perfect picture is missing...and she's not coming back. People wish me a Happy Mother's Day and I cry because it's really not!! How much more of this can I bear. I'm not that mom I always pictured since I was a little girl. I'm just one of those mom's who sit by the grave of their baby and cry, and cry, and cry .....to be continued...
May 11, 2008 John, Thanks for you kind words in your blog comment. The one thing you said about how the pain is just under the surface is so true. It's 'right there'... I know it will always be with me....with Tom. Intellectually I know that your words and the words of all my friends, are given to me in an effort to help me heal...to see beyond the pain. And I appreciate that you and my friends care so much. But emotionally I can't be reasoned with...I can't see beyond the pain and sorrow. I selfishly cling to the pain because then I am actually 'feeling' something...it's not so empty. I'm not letting go of Mariko.to be continued...
May 16,2008It's Momi's Birthday weekend. She turns 13 on Monday...but of course it's not just a birth-DAY...it's a birth week....month according to Momi. hahaha. My God is she growing up way too fast. I remember when I was 13, I was not nearly as sophisticated, grown up, or social as Momi is. She has so many friends and she is always pulled in so many directions. She is still trying to find out the person she will one day become. All I know is that she's the most fascinating 13 year old that I know. I find it hard to fathom what or who she will be one day. I just know that she will 'not' grow up to be a boring anything. She loves her life...she wants to do and see so much. She dreams BIG.
I wonder if she will look back on 12 as a traumatic time in her life...will she forever be affected somehow with 12 being the year she lost her older sister...her innocence. Because now she knows that death is a reality, and not something you see on TV or movies. I never really had to go through such loss when I was as young as she was. She has gone through counseling...but do we ever really come to terms with this great a loss. I know how hard it's been for me and Tom...but maybe being so young she will be OK. I don't know maybe I'm projecting my own feelings onto her. Only time will tell how or if this will stay with her. It's only been a little over 4 months since Mariko passed away. Momi Loved her so....to be continued...
May 27, 2009I haven't been writing for a while... I'm not sure why but I've been feeling a lot of fear lately. Fear for Tomomi ...fear for Kari...and Tom. Not to mention my dad who has been very ill lately...and Joy in New York...and Trapper in San Diego. I'm so afraid right now of almost everything. I can't explain it. Maybe because I know with absolute certainty that I will not survive another loss. (One thing I don't fear is for myself, and what will happen to me. It's almost like I don't care what happens to me). But I've felt the utter fear of losing Momi already...twice since Mariko passed away I thought something horrible happened to Momi. I remember screaming and feeling hopeless again with the initial phone calls. Panic is so intense...so debilitating. Until I received reassurance that she is OK...I am in shear panic mode. It's absolutely horrible. To lose another child is unbearable...so I carry this fear with me.
With Kari the fear is a little different. I worry about her future and what will become of her. She is such a great kid...but I don't think she realizes how great she really is. How talented. She has always been the one to not want to be noticed or stick out in a crowd. She doesn't have the ambition to exceed the expectation of others or herself. She just wants to abide. So I fear that if something happens to Tom or me, she would be lost.
With Tom it's a little different...you see his grandfather died on Tom's 3rd birthday party at age 54. His father also died at age 54. And Tom has always felt that maybe this was a family curse and it could happen to him. He's 54. I just pray that his mind hasn't convinced his body that this is true for him as well. The mind is a powerful force. I also hope that my own fear is not playing into this.
My dad is suffering so many ailments and we believe it's from the Vietnam war. He was a Chemical / Gas specialist in the military...and his symptoms are so unusual that we believe it has to do with his many years of working with these chemicals & gases (ex. Agent Orange). All the doctors and specialist are unable to give a clear diagnosis. My dad has always been the macho, strong man when we were growing up...but with a loving heart. Now to see him almost reduced to being half of who is was is so heart-breaking. I fear that call from my Mom will come any day now. I worry about Joy living in New York...it just seems so big and scary (at least in the movies)...and I fear for Trapper who lives with a bunch of young adults and partying so much. Who knows the trouble they can run in to? I do know in my head that living with fear is not right. That I should live each day as it comes. But I still have not completely accepted that I won't see Mariko today...tomorrow or the next. How is it possible to accept that I will not see her again. Yes, in death I am told...I hope to see her again. But the everyday living of this life.. it's impossible to accept. I can't see her except in pictures or in my mind. I look around my house and see her pictures...but I can't accept that she's not in her room, at school, in this World. I still hear her voice when she say's "Mommy". But I turn around and she's not there.
I'm so pissed off at God that he took her from me...I'm not ready yet! And I'm pissed off at God that he won't let me see her dancing with Angels in my dreams. Instead I still have the nightmares and the pain. So how do I praise God for this fear I now live with? With this pain. What happened to my loving God. I feel no comfort. I'm supposed to accept that this is the plan for my life. Well I want a new plan...because I don't see how this plan is good or uplifting for anyone. Is this supposed to make me a better person? I don't feel like I'm a better person...I don't see myself as an example...I don't see anything but how angry I am. I thought that if I lived a decent life...that I was a good person...that I did not intentionally hurt others...that I would be blessed. But instead God put me in my place and took me down another notch. He made me question his plan...he made me doubt...he made ask why?to be continued...
June 1, 2008If you know me you know that my house is 'open' to my kids friends. So it isn't unusual that come Friday after school I have several (up to 20 teens) in my house. The kids are free to come & go, play music, hang out, eat, drink and be happy. I do this for my kids...but also because Tom & I enjoy the teens. I also think it's important that the teens have a safe place to go. Not to mention that I basically get to know my kids friends and that way I am reassured that they are with good kids and staying out of trouble.. I've had my favorites...but I try to treat everyone equally.
But I'm also human and from time to time they get on my nerves...especially after a hard week of work. But I also know that I am having difficulty having them around since Mariko is gone. Especially when it's more like a party. Yes...again it's the guilt and pain of having fun without her here. But I also need to keep some balance because Kari & Momi need their friends and their home should not turn into this "dark", sorrowful place. So I still want the teens around. I know that over the summer it's going to be an almost daily occurrence. We will have several teens here daily. Tom & I will be at work...but I try to come home for lunch and check on them plus I get off fairly early at 2:45pm. Also, my neighbor is a cop and she's home on disability and my sister is around the block. All I expect is for my house to not get too messy and out of control...and hopefully their not eating me out of house & home. Especially now that things are more expensive it's tough to afford to pay for groceries for your own family...let alone a ton of teenagers who eat, and eat , and eat!!!! Tom & I agreed a long time ago that we don't want to be the type of parents that won't let kids be kids and enjoy themselves, and if we eat we share. But honestly it's getting harder. I just wish that once in a while some of the teens will just bring over a bag of chips or soup or ramen, or sandwich fixings, or anything for all the other kids.
I have to admit I lost it with the kids this past weekend. They wanted a party at my house to celebrate one of their b-days. I really wasn't up to it...but reluctantly I agreed. Like I said it's hard to say no to the 2 kids I have left. So by agreeing we felt obligated to do the main food... (and it's our fault the teens also knew we would). So we bought the beef / chicken/ and veggies for shiskabobs, ect... Someone wanted shrimp as well but I told them it was too expensive. But in total we spent about $150.00 because they also wanted to make a special dish "jambalaya" and I made potato salad too. Everything was fine until my youngest Momi asked to have some dip that one of them had brought and they said 'NO' it's for the birthday person. I was shocked and already not in the mood as I already explained. And I approached that teen and said I was disappointed and that they are always here eating whatever we have, and they make themselves at home to anything. So if Momi wants dip then she should be able to have some. I of course over-reacted a bit...and felt bad. But then again they should take some responsibility as well. Some of these teens I love as my own kids...they have been in our lives for years. But they have become almost complacent (like my own kids). You know...almost too comfortable. The night before when we were discussing the party...I said they need to help clean before the party. And one of them said why it's only so & so party and we don't need too. I told them if they expected my home to be the hangout and the place for parties than 'YES' absolutely my house needs to be cleaned. (Not the whole house...just the areas of the party). Also, if they weren't always there I wouldn't be so tired, and my house would be cleaner. Also, I told them to feel free to have the party elsewhere. But they seem to like my house...probably because we have been too easy going & free. They got the point!! (I Think!)
I do know that my frustration is partly due to my depression from the loss of Mariko...But give me a FRICKIN' break. These teens are old enough to know better. They're not babies. PLEASE be considerate. I don't want to be a total bitch...I honestly don't want too. But with FUN comes responsibility. I did sit them down after and told them I don't want them to feel uncomfortable in my home. They are like my kids and they will be treated like my kids...but also reprimanded as I would reprimand my own kids...because I LOVE THEM TOO!to be continued...
June 6, 2008Have you ever been in a crowded room and still feel so alone. It's almost as if I'm looking down at myself.. like watching a movie. I'm in the moment and yet not really there. It's almost a surreal feeling like the crowded room is not real but I'm the only one that exist...and the only one that's conscience of what's really happening. I'm alone and everything that's happening is just a movie in my head.That's sort of what I'm feeling. No one knows what's really going on with me. I play out the part. We have conversations, we move about... but I see myself... outside myself. But the real me is invisible. Maybe everyone feels that way...looking down on your own lives. The stories have all been told before...but now you are the main character. Nothing is real but what you are seeing played out.
I can almost think that God is the director of this life. He wrote my life in advance that I would love, hate, cry here, laugh there...and live through the death of my child. He already wrote down what I will feel, how I would react, that I would scream in agony this day, & that the camera would pull back at a distance as I sit next to my child’s headstone and cry. This has all played before in someone else's life...someone else’s reality. But this one is mine!The pages are not all written yet? But there's now a fear of the unknown. I don't want to see how the story ends...I only want to know that the rest of my pages play out showing that the lives of my girls Kari & Momi as being blessed. That they never have pain, or sadness, or fear. Why Not? Some stories do have happy endings!to be continued...
6/16/2008Would you consider 5 months a long time in your life? Not really right?!? That's how long it's been since I last saw Mariko...since I spoke to her...since I held her. 5 months is not long ago...but too long for a Mommy to be without her baby. Father's day was so hard on Tom yesterday. I cried with him as we sat at Mariko's grave site remembering all the wonderful things about her, and trying to keep each other strong. And I told him from my heart.. that Mariko loved him the best. He was the best father to her. While I spent the time with Kari & Momi and their needs (my guilt of not giving enough to Mariko)...I was comforted in knowing that I could always count on Tom to be there for Mariko. He always gave Mariko his time, consideration, & love before anything else. While the other girls rushed ahead with me wherever we went as a family...Tom would always, always walk slowly and stay by Mariko's side. He always said..."I got her!" In other words he never, ever forgot about her. He was always by her side. Because of her health she always moved so slowly...and I was always rushing around with the other two girls. But Tom never left her side. They had this very special bond, and I will be the first to admit that I was in awe of their closeness.
Happy Father's Day Tom! You deserve to be happy even though your heart is broken. You more than anyone I know have earned the honor. I love you!to be continued...
June 19,2008Every night after work Tom goes walking along the pier close to our house. It calms him down & he feels this is his time with Mariko. Past the pier there's a long walking path and the Ocean view is beautiful. On a previous walk with Kari & Momi they had seen a coyote. Instead of feeling any fear they were in awe. It was still at a distance but it was a wonderful site. A few weeks ago he was walking by himself and he was feeling down. He walk by the place were they had seen the coyote and he looked up to the spot...and asked "Come on Mariko.. show me the coyote"... well it wasn't there. But as soon as he looked back down in front of him on the path...there was a cute little bunny rabbit. IT"S SO MARIKO!!! She loved bunny rabbits better!to be continued...
I finally heard through all her screams ".....HIT BY A CAR!" "I screamed what...who...where are you?" I wanted to run to my car but then she either hung up or got disconnected. I screamed Momi...Momi...Momi...as I tried to redial her as fast as I could. No Answer!! I was by then thinking she was hit by the car and she passed out... "Oh my God...Oh my God"...not another child...not my baby!!!!" By then there were people around me trying to help...they were asking me what's going on. I said someone got hit by a car...and they too thought it was Momi. I redialed again and again as I was grabbing my keys and purse... I got through and Momi was still panicking but she managed to scream "LILY got hit by a car". Lily is one of her best friends. I asked "where are you... and she said come to Linda Mar"...and we were disconnected again. I was outside and Louis & Kathy at work wouldn't let me drive. Louis was trying to calm me as I was hyperventilating by then. I kept repeating "Please God...Please God....Please God...don't let her die."By the time we were nearing Linda Mar...we passed an ambulance going the other direction. I was praying please let Momi be OK. First her sister dies and now her friend a couple of months later....Nooooo!!! As we approached Linda Mar Beach we saw all the Police officers...lights...people...Lily's shoe...and skateboard in the middle of the road. And then we saw Momi. She looked OK as we drove up. I jumped out of the car to hug her and shockingly she said ..."NO...don't..." as she held back tears..."I CAN:T!!!" I hugged her anyway. She was in shock...she was hurting...she didn't want to fall apart...and she was Angry!!! Angry that this happened...angry at God maybe...angry at the world...angry at me because I was the easiest target.We went to the emergency room at SF General (Trauma Hospital). Lily is alive...but seriously injured.to be continued...
April 19, 2008Lily is doing fine. Thank God! She was in ICU and had surgery. She had several injuries. But the prognosis is very good. She should be going home soon, but it will take her a couple of months at home to fully recover. She is a beautiful girl, and I'm so grateful that she will have a future to look forward too. And I thank God selfishly that it wasn't Momi.
I've been thinking a lot about that movie 'Sliding doors' with Gweneyth Paltrow. It's about how a moment could change your whole life. If she misses the train her life would go one way...and if she makes the train her life goes in a totally different direction. No one knows when they wake up what the day will hold for them. Sure we have vague plans and schedules...but no one really knows how it's really going to turn out. If Momi and Lily take just 1 more minute to leave Lily's house for instance, that driver would have already gone through that intersection. If Momi was walking in front of Lily...it could have just as easily been her. And if it was her would the results have been the same. I pray every day that God won't do this to me again. He couldn't. But there are families out there who have sadly lost more than one loved one. But again self preservation...hope...faith... doesn't allow me to believe it will ever happen again. Life is so precious and we can't take one day for granted. I can not shelter my kids from the World.. that's not life. I want them to be happy and embrace this short time on earth. I want them to love their life and not be a prisoner of it. But that fear in me also wants them to not leave the house...to be safe...to be protected. But I refuse to rob them of their happiness...so I let them go, and I have to have faith that God doesn't want them yet. Because no one knows the course of their life. No one knows from the day begun how it will unfold...but we go out and we face it every day, good or bad! We have to have faith that the lessons we taught them will help them make wise choices...and that from now on they are aware of their surroundings, and not only aware that they are doing the right thing, but are also watching out what others are doing too.to be continued....
Yesterday there was another sympathy card going around at work. I found out that a co-worker from another office just lost her younger brother. I have not met her personally, but because of business I feel I know her as a friend. She is the most pleasant, upbeat person I deal with on a regular basis. She is never flustered, never rude, never negative in our crazy business dealings. She is soooo nice, and I always find myself smiling whenever I talk to her. Surely she must have been raised in a loving, fun loving family. I was always so amazed at how positive & cool she was about everything. So that is why I cried for her pain yesterday when I heard. I again know what she must be going through. It's been a terrible year so far with so much pain and loss...that it's almost as if I'm almost not surprised. It's more like "What's next...what more can we bare?" And yet life goes on as if this is the norm...which is LIFE. "A time to be born, a time to die"... But never before has it been just a few degree's away from me. Sometimes I feel that I don't want to live this life anymore...I'm so tired! I want to see Mariko again so badly and hold her & kiss her cheeks. But then I will miss so much...Kari, Momi, and Tom still need me. So every day I wake up, and every night I go to sleep... and I try to find the meaning of this life.to be continued...
April 26, 2008I haven't written anything for a little while because I've been feeling lost....empty! I can't explain it very well. It's like I've shoved by feelings aside so that I can cope I guess. I'm almost numb because it makes it easier to go through the daily motions of living. I smile or laugh at the appropriate moments. I get frustrated, angry, and nod in agreement at the appropriate moments...but it all really doesn't mean anything. I find myself forgetting little things. I can't remember from day to day 'The stuff'...like if I paid a bill, what I wore to work the previous day, what day it is, & what I had for dinner on Tuesday, ect.. I guess I just don't care. I've been gaining weight because I 'know' I'm using food as comfort like I've done all my life. I just don't care. I hold it together to go to work...but I don't really care about it. I do my job, I pick up the kids, and then I sit and try to escape into the mind numbing TV. My house is a mess...I have no energy or care to really clean it. I do the bare essentials. I don't plan for the future...not the next day, next week, next month...I just try to get through day to day. My sister says I'm going through 'depression' and that it's understandable considering the circumstances. I see people and I think they already forgot that I had a little girl name Mariko who meant the World to me, and now she's gone. She's gone from their thoughts and memories...and I absolutely can't stand the thought that it will happen to me too. I guess I don't want to feel better, because then it will be like I'm forgetting her. So I go on balancing on this edge between feeling good or bad...this edge of emptiness.to be continued...
April 27, 2008It was an absolutely beautiful weekend. We visited with Mariko a little longer both days...just laid around listening to music that she would have loved.
Today we went to breakfast and the most amazing thing happened while we were waiting for our table. An absolutely beautiful Down Syndrome girl came in with her family. She was so sweet. She had long black hair (just like Mari had), she was 6 years old, and she was wearing this beautiful princess dress. She was with her parents and her older brother & sister. She was so full of joy. The amazing thing was that as soon as she walked into the restaurant she came right up to me and held my hands and she had the most wondrous smile on her face. (I felt like Mariko sent her to me...to remind me that she was happy like this little angel). I was so touched remembering Mariko when she was 6 years old too. The only difference was that she didn't have Mariko's rosy cheeks or purple little fingers. She was healthy. You could tell she was so loved by her parents. She ran right back to her dad and he held her lovingly...just like Tom would have done. Her mother smiled at me and I think it touched her heart that I treated her like any other little girl. She absolutely glowed. I just wanted to tell her parents that I too had a beautiful Down Syndrome girl...but I didn't want to tell her that she just died. I didn't want to let her know that most downs children don't have long life expectancies...at least not as long as "normal" people. But definitely longer than Mariko. So I just sat silently smiling at this joyous little girl. Before we were seated that sweet little girl came back up to me and said a quick greeting again. I told her she was beautiful and I loved her dress...she then pointed her little finger and touched me and said "you"...then to Momi...and Tom. Kari was not with us today but she would have got a kick out of seeing her. The amazing part was that I wasn't sadden by seeing her...instead I was uplifted. What are the odds that a Down Syndrome girl would come into my day, and come immediately up to me when there were so many people around. She came up to me when I needed it most...when I was empty and sad. She reminded me of the pure Joy that was Mariko.to be continued...
April 30, 2008I know I have been focusing on my thoughts and memories of Mariko. But this has actually taken a major toll on Tom. He out of all of us was the closest to Mariko. He is the father, husband...the man of the house, and he has really been trying to keep it...all of us together. But he seems so weary to me right now. The loss of Mariko has hit him so hard. He is the most loving, caring, hard-working, smart, kind, calm, clear-headed man I have ever met. Without him life would not be complete. And so I worry about him.
From the moment I met him I knew that he was the one...never any doubt. Even though my parents literally hated him without even knowing him... I knew he was the best guy out there for me. After our first, brief meeting he wrote his mom in the states, telling her he met the girl he was going to marry. She still has that letter. Even after we were married at Two Lover's Point on Guam, at sunset overlooking the Ocean... my parents still did not like him. They basically would not give him a chance...until they saw him stand by me while I was going through that excruciating labor giving birth to Mariko. He never left my side during that over 24 hour period. He held my hand, fed me ice chips, massaged my back, and spoke to me with love and encouragement. He was my strength. And then when Mariko was finally delivered and he decided to raise her by himself if I couldn't handle it...they too realized the goodness that I've seen all along in Tom. Now I think they love him more than me. hahaha.
You see my parents have lived with the Military for most of their adult life, and they witnessed the treatment of a lot of Caucasian men toward their Asian girlfriends or wives. They thought that Tom would be domineering, demanding, overpowering towards me. While in reality it's quite the opposite...we treat each other with respect, and so much love for the past 25 years.From the moment he held Mariko he loved her with all his heart. She was definitely a 'Daddy's Girl'. Everything he thought or did was always in consideration of Mariko. He smiled from the moment he laid eyes on her, and he couldn't wait to get home to see her & hold her in his arms. He played with her, had meaningful conversations with her as she grew older...he never got tired of giving her all the attention she needed. Because he too needed her attention in return. And more than anything or anyone he understood her, and saw more to her than anyone else could. He also worried about her and felt deeply everything she went through, or was going through. He was dad!May 8, 2008My whole family has been sick with some sort of 'alien' flu. It's severe and we have all had various degree's of pain, cough, exhaustion, ear infections, intestinal issues, vomiting, headache, fever (burning up but freezing at the same time), ect... For some reason in addition to all the loss that has been happening...this is the 3rd major time since just January that we have all fallen ill. Considering that I rarely if ever get sick this has been one hell of a year. I can't help but think of how hard this would have been on Mariko. I believe that had she not passed away from her heart attack...that her weak body would not have been able to handle these illnesses like the rest of us. It has been absolutely debilitating.
Someone told me that the Chinese have predicted that 2008 was going to be a very bad year on the Chinese calendar...from deaths, severe weather, tragedy, illness, ect... And obviously I'm beginning to believe it. It's scary because it's only May of 2008. There's 7 more months to go. I need to lay down.to be continued..
May 11, 2008It's just after midnight...it's Mother's Day. One thing I always knew since I was a little girl was that one day I would have children...that one day I was going to be a mom. That my children will be beautiful & loving kids. That they will grow up to have good lives. I didn't picture the challenges of having a child like Mariko...but those challenges became blessings. So that picture changed a little for the better. That Mariko would be with us during our retirement ages...and when Tom & I finally passed from this World...that her sisters will then take over in the care of her. Never did I believe that I would out-live a child. It's not supposed to happen that way. I knew it was always a possibility, but when I pictured my life...I always pictured Mariko with us. While Kari & Momi would come home for visits...they would also be visiting Mariko as well. So even though it's Mother's Day...it really can't be because a big part of that perfect picture is missing...and she's not coming back. People wish me a Happy Mother's Day and I cry because it's really not!! How much more of this can I bear. I'm not that mom I always pictured since I was a little girl. I'm just one of those mom's who sit by the grave of their baby and cry, and cry, and cry .....to be continued...
May 11, 2008 John, Thanks for you kind words in your blog comment. The one thing you said about how the pain is just under the surface is so true. It's 'right there'... I know it will always be with me....with Tom. Intellectually I know that your words and the words of all my friends, are given to me in an effort to help me heal...to see beyond the pain. And I appreciate that you and my friends care so much. But emotionally I can't be reasoned with...I can't see beyond the pain and sorrow. I selfishly cling to the pain because then I am actually 'feeling' something...it's not so empty. I'm not letting go of Mariko.to be continued...
May 16,2008It's Momi's Birthday weekend. She turns 13 on Monday...but of course it's not just a birth-DAY...it's a birth week....month according to Momi. hahaha. My God is she growing up way too fast. I remember when I was 13, I was not nearly as sophisticated, grown up, or social as Momi is. She has so many friends and she is always pulled in so many directions. She is still trying to find out the person she will one day become. All I know is that she's the most fascinating 13 year old that I know. I find it hard to fathom what or who she will be one day. I just know that she will 'not' grow up to be a boring anything. She loves her life...she wants to do and see so much. She dreams BIG.
I wonder if she will look back on 12 as a traumatic time in her life...will she forever be affected somehow with 12 being the year she lost her older sister...her innocence. Because now she knows that death is a reality, and not something you see on TV or movies. I never really had to go through such loss when I was as young as she was. She has gone through counseling...but do we ever really come to terms with this great a loss. I know how hard it's been for me and Tom...but maybe being so young she will be OK. I don't know maybe I'm projecting my own feelings onto her. Only time will tell how or if this will stay with her. It's only been a little over 4 months since Mariko passed away. Momi Loved her so....to be continued...
May 27, 2009I haven't been writing for a while... I'm not sure why but I've been feeling a lot of fear lately. Fear for Tomomi ...fear for Kari...and Tom. Not to mention my dad who has been very ill lately...and Joy in New York...and Trapper in San Diego. I'm so afraid right now of almost everything. I can't explain it. Maybe because I know with absolute certainty that I will not survive another loss. (One thing I don't fear is for myself, and what will happen to me. It's almost like I don't care what happens to me). But I've felt the utter fear of losing Momi already...twice since Mariko passed away I thought something horrible happened to Momi. I remember screaming and feeling hopeless again with the initial phone calls. Panic is so intense...so debilitating. Until I received reassurance that she is OK...I am in shear panic mode. It's absolutely horrible. To lose another child is unbearable...so I carry this fear with me.
With Kari the fear is a little different. I worry about her future and what will become of her. She is such a great kid...but I don't think she realizes how great she really is. How talented. She has always been the one to not want to be noticed or stick out in a crowd. She doesn't have the ambition to exceed the expectation of others or herself. She just wants to abide. So I fear that if something happens to Tom or me, she would be lost.
With Tom it's a little different...you see his grandfather died on Tom's 3rd birthday party at age 54. His father also died at age 54. And Tom has always felt that maybe this was a family curse and it could happen to him. He's 54. I just pray that his mind hasn't convinced his body that this is true for him as well. The mind is a powerful force. I also hope that my own fear is not playing into this.
My dad is suffering so many ailments and we believe it's from the Vietnam war. He was a Chemical / Gas specialist in the military...and his symptoms are so unusual that we believe it has to do with his many years of working with these chemicals & gases (ex. Agent Orange). All the doctors and specialist are unable to give a clear diagnosis. My dad has always been the macho, strong man when we were growing up...but with a loving heart. Now to see him almost reduced to being half of who is was is so heart-breaking. I fear that call from my Mom will come any day now. I worry about Joy living in New York...it just seems so big and scary (at least in the movies)...and I fear for Trapper who lives with a bunch of young adults and partying so much. Who knows the trouble they can run in to? I do know in my head that living with fear is not right. That I should live each day as it comes. But I still have not completely accepted that I won't see Mariko today...tomorrow or the next. How is it possible to accept that I will not see her again. Yes, in death I am told...I hope to see her again. But the everyday living of this life.. it's impossible to accept. I can't see her except in pictures or in my mind. I look around my house and see her pictures...but I can't accept that she's not in her room, at school, in this World. I still hear her voice when she say's "Mommy". But I turn around and she's not there.
I'm so pissed off at God that he took her from me...I'm not ready yet! And I'm pissed off at God that he won't let me see her dancing with Angels in my dreams. Instead I still have the nightmares and the pain. So how do I praise God for this fear I now live with? With this pain. What happened to my loving God. I feel no comfort. I'm supposed to accept that this is the plan for my life. Well I want a new plan...because I don't see how this plan is good or uplifting for anyone. Is this supposed to make me a better person? I don't feel like I'm a better person...I don't see myself as an example...I don't see anything but how angry I am. I thought that if I lived a decent life...that I was a good person...that I did not intentionally hurt others...that I would be blessed. But instead God put me in my place and took me down another notch. He made me question his plan...he made me doubt...he made ask why?to be continued...
June 1, 2008If you know me you know that my house is 'open' to my kids friends. So it isn't unusual that come Friday after school I have several (up to 20 teens) in my house. The kids are free to come & go, play music, hang out, eat, drink and be happy. I do this for my kids...but also because Tom & I enjoy the teens. I also think it's important that the teens have a safe place to go. Not to mention that I basically get to know my kids friends and that way I am reassured that they are with good kids and staying out of trouble.. I've had my favorites...but I try to treat everyone equally.
But I'm also human and from time to time they get on my nerves...especially after a hard week of work. But I also know that I am having difficulty having them around since Mariko is gone. Especially when it's more like a party. Yes...again it's the guilt and pain of having fun without her here. But I also need to keep some balance because Kari & Momi need their friends and their home should not turn into this "dark", sorrowful place. So I still want the teens around. I know that over the summer it's going to be an almost daily occurrence. We will have several teens here daily. Tom & I will be at work...but I try to come home for lunch and check on them plus I get off fairly early at 2:45pm. Also, my neighbor is a cop and she's home on disability and my sister is around the block. All I expect is for my house to not get too messy and out of control...and hopefully their not eating me out of house & home. Especially now that things are more expensive it's tough to afford to pay for groceries for your own family...let alone a ton of teenagers who eat, and eat , and eat!!!! Tom & I agreed a long time ago that we don't want to be the type of parents that won't let kids be kids and enjoy themselves, and if we eat we share. But honestly it's getting harder. I just wish that once in a while some of the teens will just bring over a bag of chips or soup or ramen, or sandwich fixings, or anything for all the other kids.
I have to admit I lost it with the kids this past weekend. They wanted a party at my house to celebrate one of their b-days. I really wasn't up to it...but reluctantly I agreed. Like I said it's hard to say no to the 2 kids I have left. So by agreeing we felt obligated to do the main food... (and it's our fault the teens also knew we would). So we bought the beef / chicken/ and veggies for shiskabobs, ect... Someone wanted shrimp as well but I told them it was too expensive. But in total we spent about $150.00 because they also wanted to make a special dish "jambalaya" and I made potato salad too. Everything was fine until my youngest Momi asked to have some dip that one of them had brought and they said 'NO' it's for the birthday person. I was shocked and already not in the mood as I already explained. And I approached that teen and said I was disappointed and that they are always here eating whatever we have, and they make themselves at home to anything. So if Momi wants dip then she should be able to have some. I of course over-reacted a bit...and felt bad. But then again they should take some responsibility as well. Some of these teens I love as my own kids...they have been in our lives for years. But they have become almost complacent (like my own kids). You know...almost too comfortable. The night before when we were discussing the party...I said they need to help clean before the party. And one of them said why it's only so & so party and we don't need too. I told them if they expected my home to be the hangout and the place for parties than 'YES' absolutely my house needs to be cleaned. (Not the whole house...just the areas of the party). Also, if they weren't always there I wouldn't be so tired, and my house would be cleaner. Also, I told them to feel free to have the party elsewhere. But they seem to like my house...probably because we have been too easy going & free. They got the point!! (I Think!)
I do know that my frustration is partly due to my depression from the loss of Mariko...But give me a FRICKIN' break. These teens are old enough to know better. They're not babies. PLEASE be considerate. I don't want to be a total bitch...I honestly don't want too. But with FUN comes responsibility. I did sit them down after and told them I don't want them to feel uncomfortable in my home. They are like my kids and they will be treated like my kids...but also reprimanded as I would reprimand my own kids...because I LOVE THEM TOO!to be continued...
June 6, 2008Have you ever been in a crowded room and still feel so alone. It's almost as if I'm looking down at myself.. like watching a movie. I'm in the moment and yet not really there. It's almost a surreal feeling like the crowded room is not real but I'm the only one that exist...and the only one that's conscience of what's really happening. I'm alone and everything that's happening is just a movie in my head.That's sort of what I'm feeling. No one knows what's really going on with me. I play out the part. We have conversations, we move about... but I see myself... outside myself. But the real me is invisible. Maybe everyone feels that way...looking down on your own lives. The stories have all been told before...but now you are the main character. Nothing is real but what you are seeing played out.
I can almost think that God is the director of this life. He wrote my life in advance that I would love, hate, cry here, laugh there...and live through the death of my child. He already wrote down what I will feel, how I would react, that I would scream in agony this day, & that the camera would pull back at a distance as I sit next to my child’s headstone and cry. This has all played before in someone else's life...someone else’s reality. But this one is mine!The pages are not all written yet? But there's now a fear of the unknown. I don't want to see how the story ends...I only want to know that the rest of my pages play out showing that the lives of my girls Kari & Momi as being blessed. That they never have pain, or sadness, or fear. Why Not? Some stories do have happy endings!to be continued...
6/16/2008Would you consider 5 months a long time in your life? Not really right?!? That's how long it's been since I last saw Mariko...since I spoke to her...since I held her. 5 months is not long ago...but too long for a Mommy to be without her baby. Father's day was so hard on Tom yesterday. I cried with him as we sat at Mariko's grave site remembering all the wonderful things about her, and trying to keep each other strong. And I told him from my heart.. that Mariko loved him the best. He was the best father to her. While I spent the time with Kari & Momi and their needs (my guilt of not giving enough to Mariko)...I was comforted in knowing that I could always count on Tom to be there for Mariko. He always gave Mariko his time, consideration, & love before anything else. While the other girls rushed ahead with me wherever we went as a family...Tom would always, always walk slowly and stay by Mariko's side. He always said..."I got her!" In other words he never, ever forgot about her. He was always by her side. Because of her health she always moved so slowly...and I was always rushing around with the other two girls. But Tom never left her side. They had this very special bond, and I will be the first to admit that I was in awe of their closeness.
Happy Father's Day Tom! You deserve to be happy even though your heart is broken. You more than anyone I know have earned the honor. I love you!to be continued...
June 19,2008Every night after work Tom goes walking along the pier close to our house. It calms him down & he feels this is his time with Mariko. Past the pier there's a long walking path and the Ocean view is beautiful. On a previous walk with Kari & Momi they had seen a coyote. Instead of feeling any fear they were in awe. It was still at a distance but it was a wonderful site. A few weeks ago he was walking by himself and he was feeling down. He walk by the place were they had seen the coyote and he looked up to the spot...and asked "Come on Mariko.. show me the coyote"... well it wasn't there. But as soon as he looked back down in front of him on the path...there was a cute little bunny rabbit. IT"S SO MARIKO!!! She loved bunny rabbits better!to be continued...
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